Intentional Parents

Tricia Simmons graciously sent me a copy of her new book, Intentional Parenting. It was refreshing to be encouraged and challenged once again in this great responsibility we have as parents.

I especially like her word picture of training our children to cling to Jesus as a vine is trained to cling to a stake or pillar as it grows. Great illustration in the chapter “Train up a Child”! It’s so helpful to think in terms of binding our children to Jesus and trimming away anything that may hinder their growth in the right direction.

Other chapters remind us of our job to teach them diligently the things of the Lord, to be careful that we hold ourselves to the same standard of holiness that we hold up to our children, and to be cautious of allowing the enemy’s lies to gain any foothold in our own thinking or our little ones’.

Tricia reminds us of the important place that Scripture should have in our homes and in our teaching. And she emphasizes the roles that mothers and fathers have been given to fulfill, including a chapter on discipline.

Each chapter ends with helpful, practical tips for living out the principles in everyday life, plus a heartfelt prayer.

Tricia has packed a lot of truth and wisdom into about 100 pages. If you’re looking to recharge your parenting batteries, grab a copy of Intentional Parenting: His Word, Our Actions, Eternal Rewards by Tricia Simmons.

The past few days I’ve been reading a book that has been hard to put down. Let me give you the background first.

Some of the most practical, common-sense parenting books I read when we had young children were written by John Rosemond. In those books he promoted a traditional style of parenting in simple terms. Even though he was a psychologist, he didn’t sound like one; he made sense. He could make a seemingly complicated situation crystal clear and produce confidence in the midst of chaos. (And his sense of humor was a lot of fun too.)

Many of the principles that he presented seemed to be in line with Scripture, but he never claimed to be a believer or referred to the Bible in his books.

Fast forward about 15 years. This past summer I was browsing in a Christian bookstore, and what should I find but a new book by John Rosemond: Parenting by the Book. The introduction is his testimony of how he came to trust Christ and how he has been excited to see parenting principles that he has believed in all these years reflected in Scripture.

The rest of the book is equally engaging as he debunks the popular parenting psychology that has saturated our society and influenced our thinking. He then urges us to return to the traditional, Biblically-based parenting that was common back in “Grandma’s day.” And, as always, he gives lots of practical scenarios and solutions along the way.

Do I agree with everything he says 100%? No. But I heartily agree with about 97%, and I think this book would help a lot of parents who are questioning current trends and wanting to return to “old-fashioned” values.

Here is a smattering of some of the key points the author addresses:

• The difference between self-esteem and Biblical self-respect, and how you use completely different approaches to build each one.
• Why it doesn’t work to try to reason with a belligerent child. (This was an “ah-ha” moment for me: you can’t reason with the sin nature.)
• The 3 R’s of building good character — respect, responsibility, and resourcefulness — and how to cultivate them.
• The importance of parents being leaders in the home, rather than slaves and buddies.
• The necessity of keeping the right goal in mind — raising the child to be a godly adult –and how many parents’ priorities in time, energy, and money undermine that goal.
• How the parent/child relationship progresses through various seasons as the child grows. The author outlines those seasons in simple, eye-opening terms and shows how a failure to transition to the next season can be the cause of many problems.
• The principle that parental leadership is first and foremost an attitude.
• The importance of setting boundaries around your marriage to protect your relationship with your spouse from becoming a “till children do us part” marriage.

Now, I’ll tell you right up front that not everyone will like this book. It’s emphasis is more on the behavior of the child, believing that bad behavior reveals a flaw in the child’s character. While it is true that we need to focus on the hearts of our children, we also cannot ignore their behavior. Both aspects — shepherding the heart and correcting the behavior — are necessary for the intentional parent.

So if you’re ready for some straight-forward, sensible, simple child-rearing advice, read Parenting by the Book. I bet you’ll find it hard to put down too.

PS: If you want to know on which points I disagree with the author, check my comment on this blog post.

I’m sure my hair stylist wondered what was going on when, seventeen years ago, I hauled a high chair into the salon and set it up beside her styling chair. Her eyebrows probably rose when I grabbed a roll of masking tape out of my purse, taped the corners of a sheet of paper to the tray of the high chair, and completed the scene with three crayons of various colors.

That done, I deposited my toddler into the high chair, fastened the safety strap, and told her to have fun drawing. Then I hopped into the stylist’s chair and settled back for a haircut.

Drawing is a wonderful pastime for all ages. You don’t have to be the next Beatrix Potter to enjoy drawing. Give your children (and yourself) the gift of encouragement and plenty of time to draw — both from their own imaginations and duplicating what they see.

Drawing from Your Own Imagination

Even toddlers can draw from their imaginations. Mine quickly learned that throwing a crayon off the high chair tray meant that they wouldn’t get the crayon back. End of discussion. Natural consequence. That’s just the way it was. After that little matter was established, they could entertain themselves quite nicely while I made supper.

One of the secrets to cultivating an imagination in drawing is to give your child more blank sheets of paper than coloring books. Coloring books have their place, but plain paper has much more “scope for the imagination.”

As your children grow, try to provide plenty of paper (It doesn’t have to be new; give them the backs of printed sheets.), pencils, crayons, markers, and colored pencils. Above all, give them large chunks of time to get acquainted with their imaginations and to dabble in different drawing techniques on their own.

Along those lines, here are three random tips for managing children’s art.

1. When your child shows you his drawing, try not to ask, “What is it, honey?” Such words can squelch some children’s enthusiasm (since you obviously couldn’t tell what it was in the first place). Instead, say something like, “I like your drawing. Tell me about it.”
2. Trying to save all the drawings that Junior and Judy create will require a mini-storage unit at some point. Rather than trying to save all their creations, take photos of their drawings and projects. Photos, especially digital ones, take up much less room and can be enjoyed over and over.
3. When it comes time to dispose of a drawing, be cautious of just throwing it in the trash can. An unsuspecting young child may see it there. Try folding the paper with the drawing on the inside, then twisting the paper like a dishrag and placing it in the bottom of the trash. You’re not trying to be sneaky. The child needs to know that you can’t save all his drawings (though you will save a photo of each), but he doesn’t need to witness what happens to his creation after he’s gone to bed.

Drawing What You See

This option seems to be the most intimidating, especially for older children and adults. We can all get frustrated when our drawings don’t look exactly like the model we’re trying to duplicate.

Well, the best way to improve is to keep trying. I don’t think the people who lived in Beatrix Potter’s day had more artistic genes, I think they just took more time to draw. Yes, some of them were naturally gifted, but time and practice can work wonders.

And there is something both peaceful and invigorating about looking closely at a piece of God’s creation and carefully trying to reproduce it on paper.

So when it comes to drawing what you see, embrace the process and just do it! Try to look carefully at the object or scene. Force yourself to slow down and draw only what you see, not what you think it should look like. You may surprise yourself.

Here are a couple of random tips for this kind of drawing too.

1. Sometimes it helps to turn the model object upside down (as long as it’s not a person!) and draw it that way. The unexpected perspective will force you to look more carefully and your mind won’t be able to make as many assumptions as it normally does.
2. Want some encouraging, informal, yet effective lessons? Get Mona Brookes’ book, Drawing with Children: A Creative Method for Adult Beginners, Too. This latest edition contains some extra chapters that aren’t in my older copy, but the core lessons remain. You’ll find step-by-step instructions written in a conversational style with lots of before and after samples by people of various ages.

Try to set aside some time to draw each week — whether out in nature or around the house. Encourage your children’s creative attempts, and give your own drawings grace, as well. From high chairs to sketchbooks, drawing can be an enjoyable pastime for all ages.

Tommy came home from the neighbor’s house where he had been playing. “Mom, is Grandma an angel now?”

“Why do you ask that, Tom?” his mother replied.

“Well, Daniel said that his mom is an angel now.” Daniel’s mother had died in a car accident last year.

“Oh, I see.” Tom’s mother selected her words carefully. “Grandma is in Heaven with the Lord and His angels, but she did not turn into an angel, dear.” Whispering a prayer for wisdom, she continued explaining.

We’ve all faced moments like that—maybe with different questions, but similar moments. If your child is too young to ask such questions now, be assured that those opportunities will come.

And those teachable moments are prime opportunities, but let’s not depend solely on teachable moments to impart truth to our children. As we’ve discussed before, our children need a deep reserve of Bible knowledge in their hearts and minds as well as day-to-day discipleship in “real time” as situations occur. If you haven’t already read that article, you can find it on our Web site.

Today let’s talk about some ideas for intentionally building that reserve of Bible knowledge—Bible doctrine. Don’t panic. “Doctrine” simply means “teaching.” We want our children to have a clear understanding of what the Bible teaches. Here are some tested and tried ideas for endowing our children with that knowledge of Bible doctrine.

Memorize a Catechism

Many families in past generations taught their children a catechism. A catechism is a summary of Bible doctrine written in question-and-answer form. Many catechisms have been written, with just as many variations in wording and teaching. The trick is to find one that represents your beliefs accurately. You might ask your pastor for his recommendation.

Once you have found a catechism you like, you can memorize it just as you would go about memorizing a Scripture verse. Ask the question and help your child memorize the answer. After you have memorized it, continue to review it as you add the next one. Lots of families use this Scripture Memory System to review the questions and answers (along with other Scripture memory passages) throughout the month.

Another activity that can help a child become familiar with a catechism is to have the child copy the questions and answers in his best handwriting. Please don’t make this activity a punishment. Simply set the timer for five minutes and have the child give his best effort for those few minutes. When the timer goes off, put the paper and pencil away for the day. Then do it again either daily or three times a week or whatever. Just remember that the goal is not to see how quickly the child can copy it; the goal is to help the child slow down to pay attention to the words (and to develop within him a habit of giving his best effort in his assignments). You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much progress those consistent concentrated efforts will produce.

Create a Doctrine Notebook

While memorizing someone else’s summary of Bible doctrine may be a good start, ultimately, we want to train our children to recognize and remember doctrine themselves as they read or hear the Bible. A great way to encourage that habit is to compile a doctrine notebook. You can easily create one as a family. Or you might want to have each of your older children make his or her own notebook. Here’s how it works.

Some scholars in days gone by have categorized Bible doctrine into ten main areas. These ten categories can be helpful as we teach our children:

1. the Bible,
2. God,
3. Jesus Christ,
4. the Holy Spirit,
5. man,
6. sin,
7. salvation,
8. angels (including fallen angels and Satan),
9. the church,
10. future events.

Grab a three-ring binder and insert lots of paper and ten dividers. Label the dividers with the ten doctrines listed above. Then just start reading the Bible. As you find a verse that teaches something about one of those ten doctrines, flip to that section of your notebook and record that truth (along with its reference).

For example, if you began reading in Genesis 1 you would discover a doctrine teaching in verse 1 about God. You could record “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth (Genesis 1:1)” as the first entry in your notebook in the doctrine of God section.

As you continued reading, you would discover a teaching about the Holy Spirit in verse 2 to record in the doctrine of the Holy Spirit section.

From verses 3-25 you could record all the specific things that God created, or you could simply summarize that first chapter of Genesis by recording “God is the creator of everything (Genesis 1:1-25)” in the doctrine of God section. It’s your notebook; you decide what to write.

Verse 27 could be recorded in the doctrine of Man section since it teaches us that mankind is made in the image of God.

You can record doctrine discoveries from personal devotional reading, sermons, family devotions—whenever and wherever Scripture is read or heard.

As a bonus, once you or your child has read through the entire Bible, looking for and recording doctrine discoveries, go back and read through all the truths in one section of your notebook and try to summarize them on a separate sheet(s) of paper. If you write summaries for all ten doctrines, you will have composed your personal doctrinal statement.

As you have probably noticed, the doctrine notebook is not a quick project. It can be a multiple-year, if not lifelong, pursuit. But what a great habit to instill in our children: keeping an eye out for and systematically recording Biblical truths as they read and hear Scripture!

It’s easy to make your own doctrine notebook, but if you would prefer a ready-made one, two versions are available at our sister site, Simply Charlotte Mason.

The e-book version will give you professional-looking pages that you can print from your computer and put in a binder. You can print as many copies as you need for yourself and/or your children.

The printed version is ready to go, with a professionally designed cover and sturdy spiral binding (so it will lay flat for easy writing).

However you decide to do it, take advantage of one or both of these simple ways to intentionally teach your children Bible doctrine: the catechism and the doctrine notebook.

Saturday was Graduation Day for our oldest. Looking back on these past twelve years of homeschooling and eighteen years of parenting, it can seem overwhelming to think of all that was involved. The years have been filled with meals, laundry, lessons, discipline, prayer, reading, listening, dishes, decisions, driver education, . . . and on and on the list goes.

What’s even more daunting is to think that we’re not done yet. That list must continue into the future because we have three more children to go.

So how did we do it? And how can we continue to do it in the future? And how can you do it? Here’s a key concept: one at a time. Not everything at once. One at a time.

New Ideas

The ideas posted at Intentional Parents were collected and created one at a time over many years. We discovered a new idea, mulled it over, and gave it a try. If it worked well, we hung onto it and told others about it. Then in a little while we discovered another idea and added it to the mix. We didn’t do everything at once right from the beginning.

Maybe you like the idea of the Scripture Memory System, and the idea of the three levels of Bible study, plus the idea of encouraging creativity, oh! and the ideas of looking at great pictures and listening to great music and making music together as a family. And don’t forget the hobby notebooks and . . . .

If you try to start all of that tomorrow, you and your children will become overwhelmed very quickly. Take a lesson from the plate-spinner.

Have you ever seen a plate-spinner? He gets one plate spinning smoothly before he turns his attention to the next plate. Then he just keeps an eye on the plates already spinning while he adds another one to the mix.

When you discover new ideas, take them one at a time. Don’t try to implement them all at once. Get one in place, smoothly operating, then turn your attention to the next one.

New Habits

The same principle applies to forming new habits — whether in yourself or in your children. Sometimes it can seem overwhelming to think about all the good habits we as parents don’t have established yet in our own lives. How can we ever instill them in our children’s lives?

One at a time.

Pray and ask the Lord which habit He wants to cultivate in your life right now. Focus on that one habit until it is firmly in place (probably about six to eight weeks) then move to the next one.

Do the same for your children. Don’t pepper them with five new habits that you want them to start doing right now. Choose one to begin with and give it your full attention for six to eight weeks. Once it is in place, keep an eye on it, but move on to the next habit.

Each Day

Many times over the past eighteen years I remember thinking, “How am I ever going to be able to . . . ?” Fill in the blank. Most times I was worrying about something that was weeks away, or even years away. I was borrowing trouble from the future.

Borrowing trouble from the future leads only to stress and fatigue today. God has promised to give us strength for each day. He doesn’t want us to try to carry the demands and burdens of the next ten years (or even ten days) today.

Take each day one at a time.

Yes, think about the future and make prayerful, wise plans. But don’t allow yourself to get caught in the trap of worrying over the future. God’s grace will meet you at just the time you need it. Rest in that fact.

And remember that life has seasons. Some of you are in the season of life that is filled with diapers, interrupted nights, mounds of laundry, and constant messes. That is a season; take it one day at a time.

Some of you are in the season of life that contains potty training, perpetual motion, and constant conflict resolution. That, too, is a season; take it one day at a time. Things will change.

Some of you are in a season of doctor appointments, limitations, and uncertainty.

Some are in a season of prosperity, joy, and health.

Whatever season you are in now, take the days one at a time. Seasons change. God remains. Don’t borrow trouble from the future.

What do you need to take one at a time: new ideas, new habits, each day? Leave a comment and let us encourage one another — one at a time.

“Hey, Mom, what’s for supper?” Have you ever stopped to consider all that is involved in your reply to that question? If you have supper already planned (and some days that’s asking a lot!), you have most likely incorporated these meal-planning skills:

• balancing the food groups,
• encouraging good nutrition,
• adjusting for any activities that may affect upcoming meals or meal times,
• determining how much to buy and make for the number of people eating,
• deciding which food items to keep on hand as staples,
• keeping track of which food items you need to create all the dishes on the menu,
• remembering where to find those food items, and
• whether they will fit within your budget.

Those are all home skills that we need to pass along to our children. And a lot of them are best taught by example and working together. Let your children help you plan, shop for, and prepare meals. Talk them through what you are thinking as you make those plans and that grocery list.

The Five-Step Approach

Remember, talking through the process one time with your children is not enough to make it an engrafted home skill. Use the five-step process we discussed way back at the beginning:

1. Watch - The child watches you do the skill.
2. Help - The child helps you do the skill.
3. Work side-by-side - The child works with you as you do the skill together.
4. Do - The child does the skill while you watch.
5. Inspect - The child does the skill alone, then you inspect the work.

Practical Ideas

Here are some practical ideas about meal planning that I’ve picked up over the years.

1. Meal planning, preparation, and eating times are all ripe (no pun intended) for talking about food groups and nutrition. Of course, it doesn’t have to be the main topic of every meal, but do try to include it when appropriate.
2. One mom I know assigns her older children one meal per week to plan and cook. The children get to decide what they want to serve at the meal and are responsible to give her a list of all the food items they need. She is available to coach, but they are responsible for the meal. Keep in mind that this arrangement is possible only because she took the time to teach them these skills along the way.
3. Here’s a list that I posted on the refrigerator recently to help guide in selecting nutritious, balanced meals.
   A Meal = Protein + Complex carb + Simple carb
   Protein: Milk, yogurt, cheese, eggs, fish, crab, shrimp, turkey, chicken, beef, pork, beans, peanut butter
   Complex Carbs: Millet, bread, cereal, crackers, rice cakes, oats, pasta, rice, tortillas, corn, peas, potatoes, turnips, squash
   Simple Carbs: Fruit, fruit juice, asparagus, beets, broccoli, brussel sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, green beans, mushrooms, onions, snow peas, summer squash, tomatoes, zucchini
4. Another mom I know plans enough meals for two weeks then reuses that same plan over and over. So every other Tuesday her family knows that they are eating spaghetti for supper. And every other Friday they can expect tacos. (Hmmmm, might cut down on that “What’s for supper?” question!)
5. Another way to plan meals is to use an index card box. Label three dividers: Main Dish, Side Dish, Dessert, writing each title in a different color. (I suppose you could label them Protein, Complex Card, Simple Carb if you want to follow the terms in 3. above.) Cut some index cards into thirds and color code them to correspond to your three dividers. Now go through your favorite cookbooks or cooking Web sites and start listing one dish per color-matching mini-card. You might also want to note where that recipe is. (I suppose you could use a whole index card per dish instead of a third of a card, but usually a dish’s title isn’t long enough to warrant a whole card.) When it’s time to plan meals, just start matching up one main dish card with one or two side dish cards and set them aside for a meal’s menu. Throw in an occasional dessert card and you’ll have the planning done in no time. The beauty of this system is that you can mix and match for different combinations, plus you can continue to add new cards to the sections as you discover new recipes. (There is probably software that does this for you, but this is the low-tech version.)

Preparing to Minister

Planning and preparing good, nutritious meals is just one way that we can equip our children for ministry to others. Think about how often the opportunity arises to serve with a meal — family members, unsaved neighbors or relatives, Christian brothers and sisters, new mothers in the church family, grieving families, and more. If we can teach and train our children to plan ahead for those opportunities, which might occur at short notice, they will be well equipped for service.

How do you do meal planning? Got any ideas for involving the children in the process? Leave a comment; let’s share ideas.