Intentional Parents

When my children were young, I noticed that we would mention an extended family member in a conversation but the children wouldn’t know who we were talking about. Since they saw those family members only occasionally, they didn’t remember them.

A Prayer Photo Album really helped in that situation. I collected a photo of each member of our extended family and compiled those photos in a photo album, one family or individual per page. We also included some friends who lived near or far away, as well as missionaries that our family or church supported.

Each day we would pray for one or two of those friends and family. We would open the album, look at the next photo in the book, and tell that person’s name. If it was a family’s group photo, we reminded the children of everybody’s names. Then we prayed for that person or family.

This practice was a great reminder of absentee relatives or friends. The next time we mentioned one of those people, the children had a face to go with the name. But it also helped to establish the habit of praying for others.

We soon discovered that the Prayer Photo Album could get a bit monotonous if we didn’t know what was happening in those people’s lives. We would have to pray a “generic” prayer for each one, and that got old after several days in a row. So the album was also a great motivation to keep in touch with family members and friends.

These days, with all the social networking Internet sites or even just e-mail, staying in touch can be pretty easy—if you make it a priority. You could make it a point to contact, say, the next five people in the book to find out what is going on in their lives. You wouldn’t necessarily have to ask, “How can we pray for you?” Once you know what is happening in their world, you will have a pretty good idea of how to pray. But feel free to let them know that you are praying for them regularly, if you think it would encourage them.

A Prayer Photo Album—a simple and effective way to value friends and family, plus instill the habit of praying for others.

Recently a friend told me that she was noticing a trend in the church nursery. On her weeks to work in the nursery, she saw older children come to help but without any idea of how to play with the toddlers or take care of the babies. She had to direct each older child and explain how to play or how to hold the little ones.

Among the home skills that our children need to prepare them for adulthood, caring for children should have a prominent place. So many tough decisions come with being a parent, our children would benefit from a good foundation in the basics of caring for their future children. If they already have experience with the fundamentals of caring for a child’s physical needs, they will have a great headstart as new parents.

Attitude to Foster

First and foremost, the right attitude is paramount. A caregiver might fulfill her obligations, but if she carries out her duties with a begrudging, condescending attitude, the children under her care will not thrive.

In child-care, as in so many other aspects of life, our oft-repeated motto applies yet again: “Respect the elder; protect the younger.” As a caregiver, an attitude of respect for the parent’s desires and protection for the child will carry you through many potentially puzzling situations.

This attitude will make all the difference in whether the caregiver spends the majority of his time texting his friends on his phone or interacting thoughtfully with the child in his charge. It will help solve the question of whether to allow the child to try to walk along the top of the picket fence. The motto of “Respect the elder; protect the younger” is a faithful guideline.

Skills to Develop

The best of intentions, however, can’t take the place of practical training in basic child-care skills. Here is a short list of basic skills that will help prepare your children to care for those younger than they are.

1. Meeting needs — The physical needs of babies and young children basically boil down to “food in and food out” needs. Our children need to know that you don’t give a four-month-old a piece of steak and that babies seem to spit out as much as they take in. Also, as is prudent and possible, they need to learn the basics of changing a diaper and helping a toddler use the bathroom. (Please use discretion in mixing genders for the “food out” needs.)
2. Reading books aloud — Work with your children to practice reading simple books aloud with a pleasant, interesting voice. Help them gain experience in using a picture book to teach names of objects patiently and clearly.
3. Playing — This skill will vary depending on the age of the child being cared for. Playing with a three-month-old is vastly different from playing with a three-year-old. Try to make sure your children have experience playing with a variety of ages.
4. Keeping safe — If they are following the “Protect the younger” motto, the children will most likely keep safety as a high priority. It might also be wise to make sure they have a grasp on some basic first-aid “just in case.” (The American Red Cross has a First Aid and Safety handbook that might be helpful.)

Opportunities to Learn

“That’s all well and good,” you might say. “But how can my children gain all this first-hand experience with younger children?” Glad you asked. Here are a few ideas to get things started. You’ll probably find many more opportunities around you.

1. Younger siblings — Babies and young children in the house are prime opportunities for the older children to learn child-care skills firsthand. We just need to make sure older siblings are not so busy that they never spend time caring for the younger or playing with the younger.
2. Adopt a younger family — Part of God’s plan for discipleship is that the older mothers mentor the younger mothers. So look around your church for a younger mom who has younger children and invite her to meet you at a park or to come spend some time at your house. Discipling is best done in everyday situations. Your time together doesn’t have to be spent studying a book or following a program. Form a friendship; encourage the younger mother; give counsel when requested. And coach your older children in caring for that mom’s younger children while you are together. Help them see it as part of your family’s ministry to brothers and sisters in the church.
3. Baby-sit — It works well to transition into a solo baby-sitting job by starting first in your home. Have your older child offer to care for a younger child or baby at your house, rather than at the child’s house. Your older child will be responsible and do the care-giving, but you will be on hand to watch and coach as needed. Once your older child is comfortable and competent baby-sitting at your house, he or she can more confidently transition to giving care alone at the younger child’s house.
4. Nanny position — We were blessed this past year with the opportunity for our oldest daughter, who has graduated from our home school, to nanny during the week. Under the supervision of two godly women, she gained valuable experience with child-caregiving and tutoring, while at the same time ministering to the moms and their families.

Children are a blessing. Let’s do all we can to prepare our children to be parents who welcome and know how to care for their little ones.

I remember a conversation I had with several other moms who were from different regions of the country. We were discussing “common courtesy,” and many of us had different ideas of what constituted courteous actions.

Some insisted on their children’s using “ma’am” and “sir”; others didn’t care about that wording. Some felt insulted when a child left the table before all the other family members were done eating; others had never thought about that practice.

In many ways we were diverse in our definitions of courtesy, but on one thing we all agreed: we could tell very easily when someone was being discourteous or disrespectful. Specific actions might vary, but the underlying attitude could be clearly seen.

Courtesy

Over the years I have seen some parents work hard at teaching their children etiquette, but those same children do not exhibit courtesy. What’s the difference? Etiquette is a way of acting; true courtesy is a heart attitude.

Courtesy is being concerned with the other person’s comfort. It may take different forms in different situations, but the underlying attitude remains.

I’m a firm believer in the principle that common courtesy begins at home. There is no better place to help your children develop the habit of being courteous. Make up your mind now to be consistent: if you wouldn’t allow your child to treat a guest that way, don’t allow him to treat a sibling that way. Concern for the other person’s comfort is the key.

Here, again, the motto of “Respect the older; protect the younger” applies.

Some Personal Specifics

Do you want some specific suggestions? Okay. Here are some of the practices that I have tried to instill in my children as habits of courtesy. Please don’t limit yourself to these, but this list might at least give you a starting place.

• Please and thank you

  From the time they were babies, I have required that my children say “please” and “thank you.” When they were too young to say the words, I taught them the two sign-language signs to communicate those courteous thoughts. And I reinforced the habit by natural consequences. If they didn’t say “please,” I looked at them expectantly and waited until they remembered. When I handed them what they had asked for, I didn’t let go until they said “thank you.” And, of course, I tried to model courtesy by using “please” when I told them to do something: “Please go tell Daddy that it’s time for supper.”

• Returning a greeting

  Even shy children can be encouraged to smile and say “hello” in response to a greeting (before darting behind Mom’s leg). Especially when an older person greets a child, common courtesy dictates that the child respond in kind. We’ve worked hard on this skill with my youngest daughter who has autism. It takes some reminding and some practicing, but it can be done.

• Looking in the eyes

  Try to encourage your children to look the other person in the eye when engaged in a conversation. Looking down or letting your eyes wander around the room can be perceived as rude. One thing that can help with this practice is to make sure you look your child in the eyes when you are communicating with him. And please try to remember to make him look you in the eye when you are praising him, just as much as making him look you in the eye when you are correcting him. It’s easy to do the “Look at me when I’m talking to you” reminder for criticism but not for praise. But eye contact during praise can pave the way for confident eye contact in other conversations too.

• Thank You notes

  We all know how nice it is to receive a thank you note from someone. So let’s teach our children the fine art of encouraging one another by writing thank you notes. Start when they are young and provide personally-preferred notecards as they grow older to help make this practice a habit.

• Telephone manners

  Take some time to help your children practice good telephone courtesy. Role play how you want them to answer the phone, how to lay it down carefully and come get you (rather than drop the receiver and yell across the house), and how to deliver a message accurately. When they get older, work with them to practice writing down a message, getting all the necessary information, and placing the note somewhere prominent to make sure you see it.

Your Specifics

I’m sure you can think of other good manners that you want to instill in your children. Maybe your list would include such courtesies as

• Boys holding the door open for ladies
• Giving up your seat for an older person
• Dinner table etiquette
• Saying “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir”

Specific manners may vary from home to home, but the guiding principles of kindness and respect remain constant. Teach your children those character traits—starting with family members—and common (or perhaps, rare) courtesy will follow more easily.

Tricia Simmons graciously sent me a copy of her new book, Intentional Parenting. It was refreshing to be encouraged and challenged once again in this great responsibility we have as parents.

I especially like her word picture of training our children to cling to Jesus as a vine is trained to cling to a stake or pillar as it grows. Great illustration in the chapter “Train up a Child”! It’s so helpful to think in terms of binding our children to Jesus and trimming away anything that may hinder their growth in the right direction.

Other chapters remind us of our job to teach them diligently the things of the Lord, to be careful that we hold ourselves to the same standard of holiness that we hold up to our children, and to be cautious of allowing the enemy’s lies to gain any foothold in our own thinking or our little ones’.

Tricia reminds us of the important place that Scripture should have in our homes and in our teaching. And she emphasizes the roles that mothers and fathers have been given to fulfill, including a chapter on discipline.

Each chapter ends with helpful, practical tips for living out the principles in everyday life, plus a heartfelt prayer.

Tricia has packed a lot of truth and wisdom into about 100 pages. If you’re looking to recharge your parenting batteries, grab a copy of Intentional Parenting: His Word, Our Actions, Eternal Rewards by Tricia Simmons.

On my bookshelf are some three-prong pocket folders that hold many memories. They are trip journals that my daughters created during a family vacation years ago. It took me about fifteen minutes to put them together and they cost about fifty cents each, but what they became is priceless.

Trip journals are a great way to incorporate “school work” into everyday life. The journals that we created combined geography, handwriting, composition, nature study, art, and math. Here’s how.

Grab a three-prong pocket folder for each child. Make some section title pages as outlined below and assemble the trip journals. Gather some colored pencils and you’re ready to go.

• The Route We Took

  In this section of the journal put a highway map of each state or province you will be traveling through. The kids can trace your route as you make your way down the roads.

• Neighbors We Saw

  Put a full country map in this section so the kids can locate and color in the states or provinces as they see those “neighbors’ ” license plates on the highways.

• My Trip Journal

  This section simply houses a lot of notebook paper and maybe some plain copy paper too. As you go through the day, encourage your child to write down what he observes and does along the trip. You may want to give him time to write as you make various stops along the way, or you might just want him to enter a day’s summary each evening. The plain paper can be used for sketching. Your child might sketch flowers or trees he discovers, or he might want to draw a landmark or building that interests him. Try to make sure he puts the date and location on each entry or sketch to help prompt his memory later. You can also use the pockets in the folders to hold ticket stubs, brochures, postcards, and other memorabilia.

• My Trip Budget

  Older children can have a section in their trip journals that helps them track their spending. Just insert a few simple ledger sheets on which your child can keep track of his starting balance, purchases along the way, and a running balance. If your child isn’t old enough to track his spending, just leave this section out.

• The Trip in Pictures

  Put plain copy paper in this section and be sure to take along a digital camera. Take a lot of photos on the trip, then when you get home, let the child select which ones he wants to include in his trip journal. He can add captions or short descriptions under the photos as he adds them to this section.

We gave each of the older children a trip journal and allowed them to create their own covers. If your child doesn’t put it on the cover, you might want to insert a title page at the front of the journal that tells who is going on the trip, the destination, and the dates.

Our youngest at the time was still in the scribble stage, so her trip journal was full of just plain copy paper. She could scribble all she wanted. We also gave her a package of those inexpensive star stickers (the kind that are shiny foil and come about 1,000 to a package). She could make designs with those stickers all over the pages of her journal during the trip, and we could still add photos in the back, just like all the other children, after we arrived home.

Trip journals can be as elaborate or as simple as you want them to be. You can use fancy paper and your computer printer to create the section title pages, or you can use copy paper and a felt-tip marker; it’s up to you. You can use the sections as outlined above or you can make up some of your own; it’s your call. However you make them, trip journals can be great fun and a great way to encourage practical “school” skills. Give them a try on your next trip.

If you would like to save a few minutes, you can download ready-made title and section pages for your trip journal on our sister site, Simply Charlotte Mason.

I’m sure my hair stylist wondered what was going on when, seventeen years ago, I hauled a high chair into the salon and set it up beside her styling chair. Her eyebrows probably rose when I grabbed a roll of masking tape out of my purse, taped the corners of a sheet of paper to the tray of the high chair, and completed the scene with three crayons of various colors.

That done, I deposited my toddler into the high chair, fastened the safety strap, and told her to have fun drawing. Then I hopped into the stylist’s chair and settled back for a haircut.

Drawing is a wonderful pastime for all ages. You don’t have to be the next Beatrix Potter to enjoy drawing. Give your children (and yourself) the gift of encouragement and plenty of time to draw — both from their own imaginations and duplicating what they see.

Drawing from Your Own Imagination

Even toddlers can draw from their imaginations. Mine quickly learned that throwing a crayon off the high chair tray meant that they wouldn’t get the crayon back. End of discussion. Natural consequence. That’s just the way it was. After that little matter was established, they could entertain themselves quite nicely while I made supper.

One of the secrets to cultivating an imagination in drawing is to give your child more blank sheets of paper than coloring books. Coloring books have their place, but plain paper has much more “scope for the imagination.”

As your children grow, try to provide plenty of paper (It doesn’t have to be new; give them the backs of printed sheets.), pencils, crayons, markers, and colored pencils. Above all, give them large chunks of time to get acquainted with their imaginations and to dabble in different drawing techniques on their own.

Along those lines, here are three random tips for managing children’s art.

1. When your child shows you his drawing, try not to ask, “What is it, honey?” Such words can squelch some children’s enthusiasm (since you obviously couldn’t tell what it was in the first place). Instead, say something like, “I like your drawing. Tell me about it.”
2. Trying to save all the drawings that Junior and Judy create will require a mini-storage unit at some point. Rather than trying to save all their creations, take photos of their drawings and projects. Photos, especially digital ones, take up much less room and can be enjoyed over and over.
3. When it comes time to dispose of a drawing, be cautious of just throwing it in the trash can. An unsuspecting young child may see it there. Try folding the paper with the drawing on the inside, then twisting the paper like a dishrag and placing it in the bottom of the trash. You’re not trying to be sneaky. The child needs to know that you can’t save all his drawings (though you will save a photo of each), but he doesn’t need to witness what happens to his creation after he’s gone to bed.

Drawing What You See

This option seems to be the most intimidating, especially for older children and adults. We can all get frustrated when our drawings don’t look exactly like the model we’re trying to duplicate.

Well, the best way to improve is to keep trying. I don’t think the people who lived in Beatrix Potter’s day had more artistic genes, I think they just took more time to draw. Yes, some of them were naturally gifted, but time and practice can work wonders.

And there is something both peaceful and invigorating about looking closely at a piece of God’s creation and carefully trying to reproduce it on paper.

So when it comes to drawing what you see, embrace the process and just do it! Try to look carefully at the object or scene. Force yourself to slow down and draw only what you see, not what you think it should look like. You may surprise yourself.

Here are a couple of random tips for this kind of drawing too.

1. Sometimes it helps to turn the model object upside down (as long as it’s not a person!) and draw it that way. The unexpected perspective will force you to look more carefully and your mind won’t be able to make as many assumptions as it normally does.
2. Want some encouraging, informal, yet effective lessons? Get Mona Brookes’ book, Drawing with Children: A Creative Method for Adult Beginners, Too. This latest edition contains some extra chapters that aren’t in my older copy, but the core lessons remain. You’ll find step-by-step instructions written in a conversational style with lots of before and after samples by people of various ages.

Try to set aside some time to draw each week — whether out in nature or around the house. Encourage your children’s creative attempts, and give your own drawings grace, as well. From high chairs to sketchbooks, drawing can be an enjoyable pastime for all ages.