Intentional Parents

The chairs and table that Hannah built in 3-D.

When our neighbors moved, they gave us a set of interlocking foam mats. Each mat is about 12 inches square, and the girls like to fit them together into various shapes. In the past Hannah has always made a flat creation. She has fastened the mats together to form one large mat. Now, she has pretended that large mat was a lake or a beach, so that’s good. But today was different.

Today she built two 3-D chairs and a table from the mats! Three separate objects at the same time, all in 3-D. She even tried to sit in a chair, which collapsed under her weight. So I got her little plastic chair and tucked it under the 3-D foam one. It fit perfectly, and she sat at her little foam table for a long time.

Pretend play and creativity kicked up a notch! Yes!

It’s been a while since our last Hannah update. I guess in a way that is good, since it means we just continue plugging along. But in another way, it means I haven’t noticed any significant events in several months.

Hannah turned nine years old today. It’s been five years since we diagnosed her autism and started this journey. In some ways the time has flown by; in other ways it’s been a long haul.

But through it all the Lord has faithfully led us each step of the way and given us the strength to persevere.

God is good . . . all the time.

Anyone who has watched “The Sound of Music” might feel a bit intimidated when we start talking about families and music. The topic can conjure up scenes of lining up to sing before a group of dinner guests or performing beautiful multi-part harmony in a singing contest. Relax. Our children can’t sing in three- and four-part harmony yet either. However, we have enjoyed both making and listening to music over the years. Here’s how.

Making Music

1. Teach what you know.

   If you know how to play an instrument, show your children how to play it as well. Start slowly and keep things relaxed. We’re not advocating forcing a child to practice long hours on your favorite instrument! Simply give the child a taste of how the instrument works, and let him try it a few times. If he continues to show interest, provide more opportunities.

   The same principle applies for singing. If you enjoy singing, sing! And invite your children to sing along. Don’t underestimate the power of your attitude toward singing or playing. If you enjoy singing or playing an instrument, your child will soak up that atmosphere. A positive attitude goes a long way toward enjoying music.

2. Learn what you want to know.

   Is there an instrument you would like to learn to play? That desire can provide a great opportunity! Years ago my husband wanted to learn to play a bass. So he did research on the Internet and at local guitar shops, bought a used bass and a how-to video, and started in. Our children learned a lot by watching him gather the resources in order to teach himself a skill. They saw him (heard him, really) sit down with that bass every night after work to practice and play and try new things. It wasn’t a chore or something he had to do; it was simply something he really wanted to learn.

   Over the years, they saw that same routine repeated with a drum set, a guitar, a stand-up bass, a banjo, a mandolin, and djembe drums. As the children grew older, he started inviting them to play also; he would show them what he was trying to learn and let them try it too. After they reached a certain point of skill on one of the instruments, he would bring out one of the other instruments and they would play duets.

   Our children are getting wonderful exposure to many different instruments. But they’re also learning a valuable lesson in education: you can teach yourself just about anything you want to learn with the right resources and some diligence.

3. Listen to good examples.

   It’s hard to learn how to sing in harmony if you never hear people singing in harmony. Watch for opportunities to hear live harmony singing — the more informal, the better to begin with. A capella recordings can also be a good resource.

   Don’t overlook people as some of those good “resources.” Form relationships with people in your extended family, church, or neighborhood who are skilled at playing a musical instrument. Invite them to play with you. Let your children watch or participate as they want to. We love getting together with others from our church family and having a “jam session.” Sometimes our children watch from the doorway; sometimes one child joins in playing on an instrument for a song or two. Sometimes our friends’ children join in.

4. Use what you have.

   Once your musical ability has reached an acceptable level, you might want to watch for opportunities to use it outside your home. Maybe you and your children can participate in music ministry at your church’s gatherings. If you feel a bit nervous about displaying your musical abilities outside your home, work up to it gradually. First, sing or play in front of your family members at home; then invite some extended family members or close friends to come listen to a small recital.

   But keep in mind that the location or the size of the audience doesn’t matter. Using your musical ability to encourage other people and bring glory to God is the key.

Listening to Music

We talked in a previous post about listening to and appreciating good music. Here’s a quick review. The easiest way to introduce the great composers to your children is to listen to their works, focusing on one composer at a time. You can find CDs that feature the music of one composer at a reasonable price. Then just choose one composer and play that person’s CD occasionally for about six weeks as background music during a meal or while running errands. By the end of the six weeks, your children (and you) will have a pretty good “feel” for that composer’s style and several of his works. (Oh, and here’s a tip: Start playing the CD at various tracks during those six weeks, otherwise you’ll know the first song on the CD very well but not the last one.)

If you’d like to add some fun activities to those listening times, you could choose one song to play and invite your children to draw what that song makes them think of or to move in a way that the song makes them want to move. (Another tip: If you are familiar with the songs on the CD, you can use this movement activity in your favor. For example, play a rousing piece if you want the children to use up some energy, or play a quiet piece if you want them to calm down. Don’t ask how I learned this tip. Suffice it to say that Rossini’s “William Tell Overture” is not a good bedtime piece.)

Now, not every family will consider music to be a “natural” part of their lives. That’s okay. A wise woman once told me, “Teach who you are.” But if you have a desire to grow in your musical abilities and experiences, don’t be afraid to take your children along with you. Charlotte Mason once reflected, “It would be hard to say how much that passes for inherited musical taste and ability is the result of the constant hearing and producing of musical sounds, the habit of music, that the child of musical people grows up with.”

It’s never too late to become a musical person or a musical family.

Q & A

Q: At what age should my child start music lessons?

A: That answer depends on the child and the instrument. Normally, I recommend that a child start formal music lessons at about eight years old. Especially with piano, a small child’s fingers may not be strong enough or his hand large enough to play correctly, and he may learn bad habits of form.

Be careful about hurrying a child into formal lessons; childhood should contain lots of free time and fun exploration. Informal lessons are great for this age group. Remember that a commitment to formal music lessons should teach the child about faithfulness, diligence, perseverance, and stewardship. Such a commitment is a huge responsibility for a small child to bear without growing weary.

However, some children are ready to start lessons earlier than age eight. May I make one suggestion? If your young child is taking formal music lessons, see if you can arrange for two shorter (fifteen minutes) lesson times per week instead of the traditional one half-hour lesson per week. Two shorter lesson times accomplish a couple of good things: (1) Shorter lessons encourage the habit of paying full attention; the longer a lesson goes, the more opportunity for the child to develop a bad habit of dawdling or daydreaming; (2) Usually the first songs a child learns in formal lessons are quite short and simple. Practicing those same songs for a whole week can easily lead to boredom and, again, a habit of dawdling. Whereas, preparing that song for a lesson in just two or three days can cultivate the habit of full attention to the task at hand; plus, the child will progress more quickly through the book and keep encouraged at that progress.

Making the decision to homeschool can be a lot like unraveling a sweater. Once you begin to question the established status quo in schooling and education, you almost feel like you’re pulling on a loose strand of yarn. You begin to notice more and more aspects of society around you that, up until now, you had accepted as “givens.” Before you know it, you begin to filter everything through an is-this-really-best-for-my-family-and-closest-to-God’s-original-plan mindset, regardless of how long any tradition has been around or how popular it is.

I have received several e-mails from parents who are going through that “unraveling” process with the traditional church. They have become convinced that teaching and learning take place best in a multi-generational, one-on-one setting as you walk through daily life together. They have embraced the concept that the father is the spiritual leader and shepherd of the family members. But soon they notice discrepancies between those beliefs and the way many churches today are set up: where the family is divided and each age group is isolated to do its own thing, where the father is not recognized as responsible for and capable of teaching his family the Word of God, or where man-made academic standards are regarded as more important than heart attitude or relationship with God.

So, many parents are making tough decisions about which traditional church activities they will participate in. They are trying to determine which activities will equip them and encourage them as parents to fulfill their God-given responsibility and privilege of discipling their children. Several years ago, we made two such decisions about church activities: (1) We will worship and listen to our pastor’s teaching together as a family; (2) We will not send our children to Sunday School or Youth Group.

Are we saying that every family should copy our convictions? Absolutely not. But we thought you might like to hear how we came to the decision not to send our children to Sunday School, just in case you’re wrestling with this issue yourself.

Maybe the Sunday School at your church is different, but we haven’t found one that meets these criteria:

• Does it emphasize one-on-one discipleship in everyday life instead of using a traditional classroom approach?

  We believe that learning one-on-one with us during everyday life is the best way for our children to learn; that’s why we chose to homeschool. We don’t want our children treated as just one of the crowd and expected to know all the same information and progress at the same pace as all of the other children in the class. Therefore, if we don’t think that a traditional classroom set-up is the best atmosphere for teaching school subjects, why would we use it for teaching the most important subject of all: Bible?

• Does it encourage socializing and learning from all ages rather than fostering a sense of isolation and an attitude of superiority toward just those your own age?

  Inter-generational worship is so important! And being able to get along with and learn from people of all ages is true socialization. For more on inter-generational living, see this post.

• Does it instill a high respect for God’s Word, or does it cheapen the value of God’s Word by emphasizing treats and trinkets as a reward for memorizing Scripture?

  Memorizing Scripture should be a lifelong privilege, not a trick done for trinkets. Here is the easy system we use for memorizing and reviewing hundreds of Bible verses as a family in just five minutes a day: Scripture Memory System.

• Does it promote unity and encouraging one another instead of fostering competitiveness?

  I see nowhere in Scripture that we should pit the children against each other as to who can memorize the most verses or find a Scripture passage fastest. Community, helping each other, and unity are the heartbeat of Jesus’ and Paul’s desires for the church.

• Do we know quite well and trust the people who will be teaching our children, as well as all material they will be teaching?

  I hear too many “cute” stories about children misunderstanding what they were “taught” in Sunday School. And I have first-hand experience with having to correct Biblical errors that my children picked up in Sunday School before we made the decision to pull them out. These errors were not the fault of the material being used, they were the fault of an uninformed teacher. In addition, last-minute substitute teachers or guest speakers can really wreak havoc, and chances are you’ll never hear about it at the time. It would be bad enough if a school teacher were teaching the wrong history or math facts, but we’re talking about teaching God’s Word here! How important to make sure our children learn it accurately.

• Will the material the children are expected to learn at Sunday School support and complement our plan for learning the Bible at home or fight against it?

  I guess it comes down to “What is the purpose of Sunday School?” If the purpose is to teach the Bible, we have a plan for teaching our children the Bible five days a week, plus listening to the pastor teach it on Sundays. And we can discuss what was taught because we are all experiencing it together. It’s so nice to be able to make sure the children are learning the Bible accounts in order as a part of real history, and that we can customize the “lessons” to fit our children’s knowledge of the Bible!

And therein lies the key: If you are not going to send your children to Sunday School, you must make the commitment to disciple them and teach them the Bible every day of the week at home. Please don’t remove the one without replacing it with something better! Yes, it will take work on your part. But isn’t God’s plan wonderful? As you accept the Lord’s design to teach and disciple your children, you will be encouraged and challenged to continue growing and learning yourself!

Please hear our hearts: We love our pastor! We love our brothers and sisters in Christ who make up this local congregation. And we’re thankful for the freedom in Christ that allows us to walk down the path to which the Lord has called us for His glory. Don’t be afraid of unraveling the sweater if God calls you to, but do it prayerfully and lovingly as the Lord leads you one step at a time down the path He has planned for your family to walk.

Q & A

Q: Have you found any church activities that will equip and encourage you as you disciple your children?

A: Absolutely! We love activities that we can participate in together as a family. For example, if there is an adult Sunday School class that focuses on a topic that interests us and that we would like a little help in teaching (for example, creation vs. evolution), we will attend it as a family. We have also integrated a sermon series on a specific Bible book by reading and studying the same Bible book at home during the week as a family. At another time, the girls and I attended a four-week women’s Bible study on the tongue. And we love the idea of age-integrated small groups where the children can listen to adults sharing what God is doing in their lives, share out of their own lives, and pray together with believers of all ages. These small groups are also great places for the children to make new friends of all ages.

Q: How did children learn the Bible before Sunday School?

A: Parents were responsible to teach them. You see this truth throughout Scripture and throughout history. Then in the late 1700s, Robert Raikes organized a school for poor children. These children’s parents had dropped the ball; they were not teaching their children academics or the fear of God because they themselves were strangers to those concepts. Therefore, Raikes established schools for these children to attend on Sundays (their one day off from working in factories), where hired teachers taught the children to read, took them to church, and instructed them in the catechism. However, these schools were for the poor, illiterate children with unbelieving parents. Most literate Christian parents still taught their children Bible at home through daily time in the Word. Unfortunately, as the compulsory public school attendance movement gained ground in the mid-1800s, even Christian parents eventually came to believe the lie that they were unqualified to teach their children or began to embrace the convenient idea of handing over their God-given responsibility to someone else. Now society commonly views the Sunday School as the primary agent for teaching all children the Bible, regardless whether they are from a Christian or non-Christian home.

Daughter’s First Entry, June 4: “Dear Mom, I love you. Will you give me a hug?”

Mom’s Reply: “Dear [Daughter], I’m proud of the way you are growing up. I hope you never lose your desire to do what is right. You are a good big sister and a wonderful daughter.”

Mom’s Entry, January 1: “Dear [Daughter], Thanks so much for the lovely New Year’s Day party. It was a very thoughtful thing to do. I hope you had fun planning it! I’m glad that you didn’t get mad about the fan. You showed me how much you are growing up inside by keeping a good attitude and coming up with a new idea for your decorations. (I especially liked the confetti!) Have a wonderful year!”

Daughter’s Reply: “Dear Mom, I had fun making New Year’s Day special. It was fun to have more than one snack, was it not?”

And so the journal goes. Nothing earth shattering or profound. Just a few entries over the next months. But those entries represent a special pipeline to my daughter’s heart in the midst of all the activity and divided attention that comes with having several children — four girls, in our family.

Oh, how we need to keep our children’s hearts! Here are just a couple of practical ideas that I have implemented over the years to try to strengthen that mother-daughter bond.

Mother-Daughter Journals

As each girl turns seven, I give her a pretty little journal and explain that this is a mother-daughter journal. Any time she wants to tell me something or has a question she wants to ask me, she can write it in this journal and leave it on my pillow or on my desk for me to see. I will write a reply and put it back on her pillow or some other place where she will find it.

These journals give the girls and me a private means of communication that isn’t always available in a household of many. The journals aren’t on any set schedule. We use them when we think of it. But we always know they are there if we need them.

In looking back over one of the journals (the one quoted above), I noticed that often I initiated the entry as a means of encouraging the daughter in some attitude or character trait; she didn’t always start the conversation. And I also noticed that some of her questions didn’t have written responses. Those are the questions that required some discussion in person, not a quick answer in ink.

The final entry in the journal is an explanation that we were about to begin having Girls’ Nights. Once we started that tradition, we didn’t seem to need the journal anymore.

Girls’ Nights

We start Girls’ Nights as each daughter reaches ten years old. One night a week we meet together, just Mom and daughter. It is a time to be alone and give undivided attention. Sometimes we read a book of my own choosing, sometimes one that she wants to read. Sometimes we go out for ice cream or watch a video. Sometimes we work on a special project together.

When we’re crunched for time, we spend thirty minutes together; other evenings we might spend two hours. The activity isn’t as important as the time together. Questions can be asked in private, and specific encouragement doled out. Physical and emotional changes can be discussed candidly, and future hopes and dreams can be shared.

I’m sure there are other great ideas that families have used, but these two have worked well for our schedules and lifestyle. One-on-one time. Don’t rely on a half-hour a week to keep your heart knit together with your daughter’s. Obviously, we need to be cultivating that relationship throughout every day. But there’s no substitute for one-on-one time to give a sense of having a special place in Mom’s heart.

Q & A

Q: How can I adapt your “Just Between Us Girls” ideas for my sons?

A: You could encourage your husband to have boys’ nights or camping trips or other times for just father and son to be together. And please do all you can to make that event easy for your husband to keep. Don’t pester him, but do try to smooth the way by eliminating as many potential obstacles as possible.

You might do a mother-son breakfast once a month and cook a great big breakfast of his favorite foods or take him to his favorite restaurant and sit in an out-of-the-way booth that will encourage talking.

Sally Clarkson talks about taking time to sit with her son in his room before bedtime and listen. One son just seemed to open up at that time of day.

I hope these possibilities help generate some great ideas that will work well for your family and your situation.

Q: How long do you continue the girls’ nights?

A: As long as the child wants to. As of the writing of this e-letter, my oldest is sixteen. We aren’t keeping to a rigid weekly schedule during this season, but we still enjoy spending frequent Girls’ Nights together. My ten-year-old just started entering into the tradition, so we’re careful to keep our weekly appointments as we get our one-on-one times established.

Be flexible. The goal is to get to know your child, and part of that relationship is learning what she likes and doesn’t like as she grows and develops. Preferences change through the years, so be ready to respect those changes. The main point is to keep your child’s heart by whatever means works best for you two.

When I got married I knew how to make two hot dishes: canned chunky soup over rice and macaroni and cheese from a box. And one time I forgot to drain the macaroni.

What a blessing to have a patient husband! I well remember the first time I tried to make egg salad and I misread the recipe. I put one tablespoon of pepper in, instead of one teaspoon. Have you ever seen gray egg salad? Bless his heart, he actually took two bites while I quit after one bite.

That first year of marriage is hard enough without having the added stress of floundering in the kitchen every day! And if your child does not get married, he has even more of a reason to know how to cook for himself! Cooking can also be a wonderful act of ministry within the Body of believers, as well as a great service to family members. In short, we will be doing our children a favor if we make it a priority to give them the Home Skill of cooking.

How, you ask? Simply invite your child into the kitchen as you cook and bake. What do you do once they get there? Let’s review the five steps of learning any Home Skill.

1. Watch - The child watches you do the skill.
2. Help - The child helps you do the skill.
3. Work side-by-side - The child works with you as you do the skill together.
4. Do - The child does the skill while you watch.
5. Inspect - The child does the skill alone, then you inspect the work.

“But what dishes should we make?” you may be wondering. Relax. You don’t need all of those fancy children’s cookbooks or purchased curriculum on Home Economics. As with any Home Skill, just let the child help you and use common sense as you progress from easy to more difficult and dangerous. Common sense is crucial because most cooking involves heat (sometimes with open flames) or sharp knives. Safety must be our first concern.

So here is a little list of suggestions to help you think through how you might progress from easiest and safest to more difficult and responsible. When you think about it, you can actually do a lot in the kitchen before you introduce knives.

Stage One: The Countertop Stage

Introduce easy countertop activities first that use a spoon, a whisk, or a table knife. Possibilities in this stage can include making peanut butter and jelly or peanut butter and honey sandwiches; adding liquid and stirring things like frozen concentrated juice, jello, or instant pudding; measuring; arranging food on a serving plate; spreading frosting or other spreadables; spooning; sprinkling. You get the idea — safe and easy activities that involve no fire or sharp instruments.

Many children love to start helping in the kitchen when they are only two or three years old. For those young ones, it’s a good idea to have a sturdy stool that makes the child tall enough to reach into a large bowl on the countertop. Make sure the stool has feet that grip the floor, so it won’t slip out from under the child, and slip-proof steps. Also, keep in mind that children at this age have a varying attention span. Some days they might stay and help you cook for an hour; other days they may be done after five minutes. That’s OK. If Michele wants to stir the cookie dough only once and then leave, let her. The important thing is to keep a positive attitude and make cooking fun.

Stage Two: The Simple Stovetop Stage

Once your child is tall enough to reach the stovetop comfortably and can easily lift a saucepan of water, you can move on to Stage Two activities. These activities are done on the stovetop but require minimal interaction. In this stage you can teach your child to make pasta and rice. You can also have him make soup (with ingredients that you have already chopped, as needed).

Stage Three: The Progressing Stovetop Stage

Once the child is comfortable with simple stovetop activities, you can introduce some that require more constant attention, activities like browning meat, making gravy, and mixing and cooking pancakes.

Stage Four: The “Stick It In and Forget It” Oven Stage

Introduce oven activities once the child is tall enough to reach into the oven over the open door without getting burned and strong enough to lift a heavy dish in that position. It might be easiest to start with foods that require a long baking time, so the child accesses the oven only a couple of times while making that dish. These long-baking-time foods can include casseroles (again, with already-chopped ingredients), baked potatoes, a roast, quick breads, cakes, and pies. This stage would also be a great time to start learning how to make yeast breads.

Stage Five: The “Pay Attention” Oven Stage

Now your child can advance to foods that require paying more attention and checking more often to make sure they don’t burn. Foods that use a shorter baking time can include biscuits, pizza dough, and cookies. With cookies, the child will be reaching into a hot oven several times, so don’t introduce this activity too soon.

Stage Six: Finally, Knives!

Did you ever think that you could teach your child how to make all of those dishes listed above without ever giving her a sharp knife? I hadn’t realized it until I made this list! By the time your child has advanced through Stage Five activities, he should be old enough and responsible enough to learn how to handle a sharp knife safely. At that point you can introduce peeling and chunking potatoes for mashed potatoes, and chopping and slicing his own ingredients for soups and casseroles.

It’s such a blessing and a relief to have two other chefs in the house at this season of our life! Yes, it took time. No, it wasn’t always easy. (I remember when my oldest daughter went through an experimental stage that included adding food coloring to make green scrambled eggs.) But it was well worth it! I encourage you to intentionally give your child the Home Skill of cooking. You’ll be glad you did.

Q & A

Q: How can I teach my child to cook if I don’t know how?

A: That was pretty much my situation too. (Remember the macaroni I forgot to drain?) But I determined that it was a skill I needed to learn in order to minister to my family. I didn’t have any ambitions to be a gourmet chef, but I did want to feel comfortable in the kitchen and know how to prepare a number of dishes. So I opened the step-by-step cookbook I had gotten as a wedding present and started following the instructions. Little by little I learned.

As with any Home Skill that you don’t know yourself, you can find ways to teach yourself with the resources around you. Check your local library or search the Internet for easy step-by-step recipes and try one or two a week. Of course, you can also look around for an experienced cook who would take some time to teach you (and your children). This idea is lots of fun even after you know how to do basic cooking. For example, we’ve enjoyed learning how to make German dishes when a friend’s mother comes to visit each year. And another friend gives us great recipes and samples of Jewish foods.

Q: At what age should a child be able to follow a recipe?

A: As soon as a child can read and follow instructions, she can learn to follow a recipe. Have the child read the instructions on the box of pudding or from the cookbook or on the recipe card and help her follow them. It may be easier for you just to throw together a dish, paying little heed to any written recipe, but it will help the child if she grows up familiar with recipes and how to use them.

Now, for all of you who like to do the “a little of this and maybe some of that” style of cooking, I’m not saying that you have to go strictly by the letter for every dish, but please make sure you have an ample helping of recipe-following in your shared cooking times.

I opened the door to Hannah’s bedroom this morning to see her sitting on the floor with several books lined up beside her. And my heart skipped a beat. An image from four years ago instantly flashed across my mind — the image of Hannah lining up all her books and toys instead of playing with them or looking at them like neurologically-typical children do. I immediately began to fish around for possible causes of her regression. Had our recent trip to Florida been too much for her? We returned on Thursday and on Saturday an aunt had arrived for a stay. Had the combination been too much for her and pushed her back into her old “secure” ways?

All of these thoughts flitted across my brain in just a second or two as I stood in the doorway. Then Hannah looked up at me and, with a little smile, started to explain how this was a library, and how one of the toy dogs sitting beside her had picked out this book and the other dog had picked out that book, pointing to the appropriate books in the line-up on the floor, and how she was “reading” the books to the dogs.

She wasn’t regressing; she was pretending! And more than that, she was pretending after a huge change in her surroundings and schedule! Vacations have always been a challenge, especially the first few days back after her secure routine has been in a continual state of upheaval in a different location. But this year she did better than ever on our trip, and I was so thankful to see those books lined up on the floor this morning!

Just thought you’d like to share in the moment!

“I want to play with it!” “No, I want it!” “I had it first!” “No, I had it first!” “MOM!”

How well I remember those words and the feelings they would stir up inside me as I heard them. Those were the opportunities for me to shine! In my imagination I could see Super Mommy whisking on the scene and, with brilliant discernment, ascertaining exactly what needed to be done to restore peace and smiling harmony to her kingdom!

Not for long.

My imagination soon met with harsh reality, and those feelings inside became closer to dread and uncertainty as I willed my leaden feet up the stairs one more time to play referee. Summoning my courage, I would ask the standard first question: “What happened?”

“She hit me!” “She took my toy away!”

“Well, if you can’t play with the toy nicely, neither of you will play with it. I will take it, thank you. Now, you girls tell each other you’re sorry, and . . . ummm, . . . hug each other . . . or something,” I would finish with a flourish.

Conflict. We all encounter it in our homes because we all have human beings living in our homes — sinful human beings. And we all have a pretty good mental picture of what conflict is and what peace should look like, but we flounder a lot in trying to coach our children from the conflict to the peace in everyday situations. It’s frustrating! We know where we want to take them, but we don’t know exactly how to get there.

Well, I’m grateful that many years ago the Lord led me to attend a workshop that gave me some practical, realistic tools to coach my children from conflict to peace. The concepts and principles are right from Scripture, and they’re presented in a way that makes it easy to understand — for children and adults. The main illustration is that of a slippery slope.

Conflict is like a slippery slope. If we can stay on top of the slope, we can resolve conflict in a Biblical and satisfactory way. But if we slide down one side or the other, we get into trouble. Imagine this slippery slope is shaped like an upside-down U. On one side are the Attack responses, like hitting the other person or yelling at him. On the other side are the Escape responses, like pretending there’s no problem, blaming someone else, or running away from the scene. Neither of those responses — attack or escape — is Biblical.

But on the top of the slippery slope are the responses of choosing to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11), discussing the problem (Matthew 18:15), and getting help in resolving the issue (Matthew 18:16, 17). These responses are what pleases God and helps us resolve conflict in a Biblical manner.

At this workshop I also learned about the five A’s of confession: Admit what you did wrong and how it affected the other person; Apologize, expressing sorrow for how you hurt the other person; Ask for forgiveness; Accept any consequences for your actions; and Alter your behavior in the future. Walking the children through these steps was so much more meaningful than just, “Say you’re sorry.”

The four promises of forgiveness helped us as well. They were easy to remember because they make a little poem:

1. Good thought (I promise to think good thoughts about you.)
2. Hurt you not (I promise not to hurt you.)
3. Gossip never (I promise not to bring up this issue again.)
4. Friends forever (I promise to be your friend again.)

All of these concepts, and many more, were tools that I could teach my children and use as I trained them in Biblical conflict resolution. And the good news is that you can learn the same things I learned in that workshop! You too can have the tools to restore Biblical peace in your home!

All of these Biblical principles and the slippery slope illustration and corresponding Scripture verses are available through Peacemaker Ministries. No, I don’t work for that ministry; it has worked for me. And I’m praying that it will equip you, as it did me, to teach and train your children how to resolve conflict Biblically.

Q & A

Q: What should I do about tattling?

A: If the child is old enough to tell you about her sibling’s offense, she’s old enough to be taught the Matthew 18 principle: First, talk to your brother or sister in a kind voice and remind him or her of what’s right. Only if that approach doesn’t work do you come ask Mommy for help.

Do you see the heart attitude you are seeking to reinforce with this approach? Tattling is usually an issue of pride: “I caught someone else doing something wrong and I want him to get in trouble for it.” The Matthew 18 principle emphasizes an attitude of love and wanting what is best for the other person: “I will kindly remind you of what is right because that is best for you and I don’t want you to get in trouble or get hurt.”

So when a child comes running to you and begins to tattle or tell you what a brother is doing wrong, the first question you ask is, “Did you remind him of what is right, using a kind voice?” If not, you have a wonderful teaching opportunity! Take the child by the hand, go to the offending brother, and walk through the steps of what to say and what tone of voice to use — both in the reminder and in the response. If the child answers your question by saying that she has already reminded her brother in a kind voice, then you have another wonderful teaching opportunity! Take her by the hand and go to the offending brother. First, confirm that she did indeed remind him of what is right, using a kind voice. Then deal with the offense in a sorrowful way. Your sorrowful manner will serve to reinforce the proper attitude of love toward the erring brother, not pride and rejoicing over someone’s sin and its consequences.

A line from a video we recently watched grabbed my attention, and I had to think about it for a while. But the more I thought about it, the more it lined up with true learning and the importance of life experiences. The line went something like this: “So much of what I see in life reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

Think about that. Too often we settle for second-hand information, passively soaking up what another person has learned through personal experience but never experiencing for ourselves. Books are wonderful resources and provide almost limitless streams of information, but nothing can replace real life experiences. The learning that we experience first-hand sticks with us and gives us a foundation on which book learning can build. Now, obviously, some things are better not experienced first-hand, but in realms of common sense and the laws of the world God has made, real life experience is invaluable. Let’s look at just two examples: nature study and living math.

Nature Study

It’s easy today to spend the majority of our lives inside man-made boxes called houses or buildings. And it’s easy to keep the children inside too. We all too infrequently get outside to observe and interact with God’s creation up close and personal. Spending large amounts of time outdoors, observing and interacting with nature, lays the foundation on which future science lessons can be constructed. A child who has carefully watched a colony of ants gathering and storing food is naturally curious to learn more about them and can readily relate to Proverbs 6:6-8, which exhorts lazy people to learn from the ants’ ways. A child who has spent hours playing with and experimenting with the water in a nearby creek has a definite advantage when studying the scientific laws that pertain to water. They just make sense, because he has experienced them first-hand.

A pleasant way to encourage nature study is to take at least one afternoon per week to go outside. You can vary the locations if you’d like, but get outside for a while. If desired, go on a nature walk. A nature walk isn’t a structured lesson time; rather, it is a pleasant stroll through God’s creation with an eye toward interesting natural “finds” along the way. As the child discovers something new or curious to him, have a little field guide handy so you can look up the name of his new “find” together.

As the child grows, give him a sketchbook in which he can draw illustrations of his “finds” and label them. Training a child to draw what he sees (not what he thinks something should look like) is a great way to develop the habits of careful observation and full attention. We keep our sketchbooks, colored pencils, regular pencils, and four small field guides in a zippered tote bag that we take on our outings. The four field guides help us identify trees, birds, flowers, and insects.

I love Charlotte Mason’s sentiment: “Never be within doors when you can rightly be without.” Let’s take our children outdoors and experience often how God’s creation displays His power and deity!

Living Math

“When am I ever going to use this?” Did you ever say that when you were studying fractions or algebra? It is a natural desire in all of us to experience learning in real life situations. Math is another subject that makes the transition easily from real life to books.

Encourage your child to use math in everyday situations like shopping, cooking, sewing, gardening, or carpentry and construction. You can start with something as simple as “You may have two cookies” and count them together, and gradually advance to something more complicated like doubling the measurements in a recipe, figuring sales tax or discounts, or calculating how much wood is necessary to build a shed in the backyard. We use math every day; make sure your children realize it and regard it as a natural part of adult life.

Remember the three-pronged approach to academics: real books, real people, and real life experiences. Keep your eyes open for all three kinds of opportunities and you will be giving your children a wonderful education!

Q & A

Q: How can I do nature study in inclement weather?

A: Good question! Inclement weather is a great way to experience the changes in the seasons first-hand. Obviously, you’ll want to make sensible adjustments to your clothing, but don’t let less-than-perfect weather keep you indoors.

That being said, I grew up with Midwest blizzards and I realize that in some regions it’s very difficult to spend time outside all year round. But you can still do some nature study if you have a filled bird feeder outside a main window and a pair of binoculars. Check with a local wildlife store or pet store to find out which kinds of seed attract which kinds of birds in your area, then provide the buffet and prepare to enjoy the feathered guests that appear. It’s such fun to hear your children progress from calling each guest a “bird” to recognizing a “tufted titmouse” or a “house finch” on sight!

Q: I’m not that great at math; how can I make it a natural part of everyday life?

A: I think two of the most frequently used math components in everyday life are counting and measuring. If you focus on those two relatively easy concepts, you’ll have a good start on living math. In many families, the dad is better at math. What a great opportunity for him to get involved in the children’s education and share one of his strengths with them! And don’t forget the value of learning together. If you’re not sure of the how-to’s of measuring, for example, find a book at the library or search the Internet for the basics and learn them right along with your children.

Our children enjoy making movies. They spend hours writing scripts, making costumes and props, filming, and editing. But the movie isn’t finished until they find just the right music to add to the various scenes. It’s so much fun to listen to them excitedly describe how a particular piece by Wagner fits so perfectly with a scene’s action!

“How do they know about Wagner?” you ask. (And how do they know that his name is pronounced VAHG-NER instead of WAYG-NER?) Through a simple habit we’ve established in our house. Here’s how it works:

Choose one composer and listen to his music for six weeks. Play it in the background when you’re eating a meal. Listen to it in the car while you’re running errands. Let the children listen to it at bedtime as they fall asleep, if they want to. When you play the music during those six weeks, casually mention the composer’s name: “Let’s listen to some Bach.”

That’s it. That’s the profoundly difficult habit we’ve established to teach our children about music composers.

“It can’t be that easy,” you say.

I’m sorry. It is. But since you might want a longer post than that this month, here are a few tips and optional activities to consider.

• To get started, collect recordings that feature the work of one composer. Get a CD that has music by only Bach, for instance. Or find a tape of only Beethoven. Check your local library, bookstore bargain sections, dollar stores, discount stores, and online bookstores.
• One thing we finally figured out was to start the tape or CD in various places throughout those six weeks. If you always start at the first song, you’ll know that song quite well but none of the others!
• If you want to, sometime during those six weeks read a brief and interesting biography about the composer. Notice those two key words: “brief” and “interesting.” See the Resources section below for some specific recommendations.
• Be on the lookout for local concerts that present your featured (or a previously studied) composer’s works.
• Some families like to create a music notebook. They include a page or two about each composer with which they have become familiar, including a picture, a list of songs, ticket stubs for concerts they’ve attended that featured his music, and whatever else they want to put into it.
• Sometimes let the children draw what they think the music is picturing or move like the music makes them want to move. (My teenagers still have one particular Strauss polka that gets them up and running around the kitchen!)
• Keep the tapes and CDs available. Once you finish the six weeks of listening to a single composer, add that CD to your family collection and allow the children to listen to it whenever they want to. Soon that composer will become an “old friend” to them.
• By all means, make this habit casual and a natural part of your family life. The goal is not to analyze each composer and his works; the goal is to enjoy and appreciate good music together. Becoming familiar with a composer’s style and works is a natural benefit of spending six weeks with him. Don’t force it.

Q & A

Q: Which composer should I start with?

A: There’s really no right or wrong answer to that question. Simply choose a composer and dive in, following the simple method outlined above. To help you get started, here is a list of some of our favorites. The list is in alphabetical order, not necessarily the order in which we think you should study these composers. Start with any one of them — and enjoy.

• Johann Sebastian Bach
• Ludwig von Beethoven
• Johannes Brahms
• Frederic Chopin
• Claude Debussy
• Antonin Dvorak
• Edvard Grieg
• George Frideric Handel
• Joseph Haydn
• Franz Liszt
• Felix Mendelssohn
• Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
• Franz Schubert
• Robert Schumann
• John Phillips Sousa
• Johann Strauss II
• Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
• Giuseppe Verdi
• Antonio Vivaldi
• Richard Wagner

Q: Should I focus on only classical composers?

A: You don’t have to. Classical music is a great place to start, but it’s not the ultimate standard. While many classical works are wonderful, I cannot give a blanket recommendation for all of classical music. The Bible must be our standard. When choosing music to listen to, consider these Biblical principles:

• God is not the author of confusion. Music that is constantly chaotic, dissonant, and confusing does not help us glorify God.
• Be aware of how the music makes you feel. Some pieces inspire our hearts to greatness and noble thoughts, while others stir up rebellious and selfish emotions.
• Avoid music that urges you to move in an immodest manner.
• Listen critically to lyrics. Make sure they don’t contradict Scripture and promote ungodly living.