Intentional Parents

This afternoon a dear friend came visiting. When he was about to leave, he walked by Hannah and she asked him where he was going now. He answered, “I’m going to [a nearby town] to worship practice. I hope you have a good evening.”

The next thing I heard was Hannah’s sweet voice, with just the right inflection, replying, “I hope you have a good practice, too.” Then she happily skipped upstairs and started singing O Christmas Tree.

Our friend summed up the moment well when he came into the kitchen and said, “That made me happy.”

Last week I noticed more focused attention and resulting progress from Hannah in both her school work and her interactions with family members. My first thought was, “Oh, great, she’s getting sick.”

You see, we have noticed a pattern over the years of increased attention and interaction for two or three days, then we’ll see the runny nose. (We’ve often wondered if there is some kind of physical connection that we could discover and capitalize on, but so far haven’t been able to figure out the mystery.)

But this increase in focus has continued for a couple of weeks now, with no cold symptoms.

Another possibility has popped into my mind. We are being more careful to eliminate casein (dairy) from Hannah’s diet. In the past, we have depended more on her enzymes to counteract the effect of the casein. But then I noticed that, when given the choice, she would prefer pizza with no cheese and macaroni without the cheese sauce. So I’ve started making no-dairy versions of any meals we’ve had with cheese, and Hannah has been voluntarily eating those instead.

I wonder if the casein was affecting her more than we thought, so much so that the enzymes were not powerful enough to deal with it.

Now, it would be really easy at this point to start berating myself and send away for another Bad Mommy trophy. However, I’m trying to think of this as another step on the right track of discovering how Hannah’s body works (which is a trick when she won’t tell you how she’s feeling). And if this more complete elimination of casein helps her process her surroundings better, let’s keep going!

Hannah just read the first story in First Steps all by herself. I’m so proud of her and so thankful to our Heavenly Father for graciously allowing her to keep learning. It’s been a long journey to get to this point, and I know we’re not anywhere near the finish line. But I’m celebrating this milestone because I distinctly remember about a year ago thinking, “She’s never going to be able to read that story. We’re too far from that level.” Now, just a few months before her twelfth birthday, she did it!

It’s been a long time since I’ve read a book as Biblical, helpful, and encouraging as Laura Hendrickson’s Finding Your Child’s Way on the Autism Spectrum. Laura speaks out of an experience with her autistic son from preschool diagnosis through high school valedictorian.

Laura does an excellent job of weaving her personal experiences, Biblical principles, and practical suggestions together into short, readable chapters. She does not back away from the tougher subjects, such as “How do I discipline my autistic child?” and “What about stims?” or “How should I handle a meltdown?” In fact, the Biblical principles she presents for those subjects–always seasoned with grace–have helped to clarify my thoughts and encourage me to persevere with our autistic daughter.

I am especially thankful for her examples of discipling our special needs children, nudging them closer to Christ even when we don’t know whether they are comprehending spiritual truths.

I was convicted by chapter 8, in which Laura graciously shared what the Lord taught her through watching her son be rejected and ridiculed by others.

Recent statistics cite that 1 out of every 100 children are on the autism spectrum. To those of you who are seeking to be an intentional parent for your autistic child, or for those of you who know a parent of an autistic child, I highly recommend Finding Your Child’s Way on the Autism Spectrum by Dr. Laura Hendrickson, published by Moody Publishers.

I’m so excited! I just tried something new with Hannah, and it seems to have worked well.

First, some background information. Last year I started requiring narrations from Hannah at times. (Narrating is listening carefully then telling back in your own words.) Hannah would usually give me a one-sentence narration, worded as a question. I was quite happy with that attempt since she was just starting out.

Today I decided to encourage her to take a step further in her narrating. We got out Aesop’s Fables. She had heard a few last year, but this time we were going to use them more fully. I wanted her to narrate the fable and I would write down her narration. Then we could use that narration for copywork. I figured that we could also work on wording her sentences as statements rather than questions too.

So before we read I wrote down two key words: fox, grapes. I told her that this story was about a fox and some grapes, and I wanted her to listen closely then tell me what happened to the fox and the grapes and I would write it down.

I read the story aloud, then asked, “What happened to the fox and the grapes?” She gave me the first part of the story, worded as a question, but still the first part of the story: “Did the fox try to reach the grapes?” I tried to prompt a statement by writing “The fox tried . . . ” and she finished the sentence for me “to reach the grapes.”

That in and of itself was pretty much expected. What I didn’t expect was the rest of her narration. It seems that while I was taking time to write down each of her statements, she was taking time to formulate each of her statements. So using this method of my writing her words, she was able to put together this narration:

Did the fox try to reach the grapes?
Were they out of reach?
Did the fox walk away?
Were the grapes sour?

We reworded each sentence as a statement, but I was thrilled with the comprehensive nature of her narration. I’m thinking this idea of key words given first and time to process between each narration sentence is going to produce some great results!

When my children were young, I noticed that we would mention an extended family member in a conversation but the children wouldn’t know who we were talking about. Since they saw those family members only occasionally, they didn’t remember them.

A Prayer Photo Album really helped in that situation. I collected a photo of each member of our extended family and compiled those photos in a photo album, one family or individual per page. We also included some friends who lived near or far away, as well as missionaries that our family or church supported.

Each day we would pray for one or two of those friends and family. We would open the album, look at the next photo in the book, and tell that person’s name. If it was a family’s group photo, we reminded the children of everybody’s names. Then we prayed for that person or family.

This practice was a great reminder of absentee relatives or friends. The next time we mentioned one of those people, the children had a face to go with the name. But it also helped to establish the habit of praying for others.

We soon discovered that the Prayer Photo Album could get a bit monotonous if we didn’t know what was happening in those people’s lives. We would have to pray a “generic” prayer for each one, and that got old after several days in a row. So the album was also a great motivation to keep in touch with family members and friends.

These days, with all the social networking Internet sites or even just e-mail, staying in touch can be pretty easy—if you make it a priority. You could make it a point to contact, say, the next five people in the book to find out what is going on in their lives. You wouldn’t necessarily have to ask, “How can we pray for you?” Once you know what is happening in their world, you will have a pretty good idea of how to pray. But feel free to let them know that you are praying for them regularly, if you think it would encourage them.

A Prayer Photo Album—a simple and effective way to value friends and family, plus instill the habit of praying for others.

On Mother’s Day, 2002, we began an unknown journey with our youngest daughter, Hannah. She was four years old and we had finally determined that she has autism. Not the grandest way to spend Mother’s Day, believe me.

I wrestled with many things over the next few years. And if you were to ask me, What are the top three words of advice you would share out of those struggles?”, here is what I would tell you: Be intentional; Do your research; Rest in God’s plan.

In the paragraphs below, I talk about living with a special needs child. You may be dealing with a parent or a spouse with special needs during this season in your life. No matter what special needs you may face, these principles would be my counsel to you.

Be Intentional

When your child is diagnosed with a special need, it’s easy to adopt a victim mentality. You feel like something that isn’t supposed to happen has happened to you, and you can’t do anything about it.

But a victim mentality is not what is best for your family or your children. So in this, as well as in other circumstances, think things through and do what will be best. Just as in other areas of parenting, we must make sure we are not operating out of a default mentality (following the crowd and mindlessly doing what everyone else is doing) or a survival mentality (recklessly doing whatever it takes to survive until the hard times suddenly go away).

You can still be an intentional parent to a special needs child. In fact, our special children need intentional parents all the more.

Do Your Research

The second piece of advice I would share is to do your research. If you don’t know about something, go read, think, and learn. Educate yourself. Dedicate yourself to learning about all the facets of your child’s situation and exploring the pros and cons to all the options you discover.

Listen to others, yes, but don’t assume they know best. Think about what they say, learn all you can, seek God’s guidance, and then do what will be most beneficial for your child.

Not everyone will understand. Not everyone will agree. But if you have done your research and prayed for wisdom, you can move forward with confidence.

Rest in God’s Plan

The third piece of advice I would share is to encourage you to rest in God’s plan for your family. During that first year after Hannah’s diagnosis, we had to severely limit our activities. We couldn’t go on field trips anymore, because Hannah couldn’t handle it. We couldn’t have company over anymore, because we were focused on Hannah’s daily therapy. There are still limits that we deal with today because of those special needs.

As moms tend to do, I began to be concerned about my other children. I began to view the special needs as a problem that was hindering them and could possibly ruin their lives. But God graciously showed me that our situation was not a mistake for any person in our family. He was still very much in control, and He had plans for the other children just as much as He had plans for me on this journey.

Over the years I’ve seen the other children grow in many beautiful ways and develop specific character traits that are a direct result of living with a special-needs sister.

So don’t fret about what the special needs or limitations are doing to the other children. God is big enough to include them in His plan. He has it all worked out. Trust Him and watch what He will do.

Encouragement for Parents

One of the hardest parts about that first year after Hannah’s diagnosis was dealing with the spiritual struggles. I could find books that recommended different therapies, and I saw several books that told other families’ stories, but I couldn’t find the encouragement that I needed to address the spiritual abyss I felt like I was in.

During that year God had orchestrated circumstances so that I was already reading through the Bible. And as I continued that schedule, He was faithful to speak to my various needs and questions through His Word. I recorded that spiritual encouragement in a journal and have made it available for other parents who may be on a similar journey: This Anguishing Blessed Journey.

Also, I’ve pulled several key points from that book and combined them into an article called “Lessons from the Valley.” You can read it free on our Web site.

Dealing with special needs is never an easy path. Yet we can rest on God’s promise that this, too, is for our good. As we walk down that path, holding tightly to His hand, we will also begin to see how it is for His glory.

Recently a friend told me that she was noticing a trend in the church nursery. On her weeks to work in the nursery, she saw older children come to help but without any idea of how to play with the toddlers or take care of the babies. She had to direct each older child and explain how to play or how to hold the little ones.

Among the home skills that our children need to prepare them for adulthood, caring for children should have a prominent place. So many tough decisions come with being a parent, our children would benefit from a good foundation in the basics of caring for their future children. If they already have experience with the fundamentals of caring for a child’s physical needs, they will have a great headstart as new parents.

Attitude to Foster

First and foremost, the right attitude is paramount. A caregiver might fulfill her obligations, but if she carries out her duties with a begrudging, condescending attitude, the children under her care will not thrive.

In child-care, as in so many other aspects of life, our oft-repeated motto applies yet again: “Respect the elder; protect the younger.” As a caregiver, an attitude of respect for the parent’s desires and protection for the child will carry you through many potentially puzzling situations.

This attitude will make all the difference in whether the caregiver spends the majority of his time texting his friends on his phone or interacting thoughtfully with the child in his charge. It will help solve the question of whether to allow the child to try to walk along the top of the picket fence. The motto of “Respect the elder; protect the younger” is a faithful guideline.

Skills to Develop

The best of intentions, however, can’t take the place of practical training in basic child-care skills. Here is a short list of basic skills that will help prepare your children to care for those younger than they are.

1. Meeting needs — The physical needs of babies and young children basically boil down to “food in and food out” needs. Our children need to know that you don’t give a four-month-old a piece of steak and that babies seem to spit out as much as they take in. Also, as is prudent and possible, they need to learn the basics of changing a diaper and helping a toddler use the bathroom. (Please use discretion in mixing genders for the “food out” needs.)
2. Reading books aloud — Work with your children to practice reading simple books aloud with a pleasant, interesting voice. Help them gain experience in using a picture book to teach names of objects patiently and clearly.
3. Playing — This skill will vary depending on the age of the child being cared for. Playing with a three-month-old is vastly different from playing with a three-year-old. Try to make sure your children have experience playing with a variety of ages.
4. Keeping safe — If they are following the “Protect the younger” motto, the children will most likely keep safety as a high priority. It might also be wise to make sure they have a grasp on some basic first-aid “just in case.” (The American Red Cross has a First Aid and Safety handbook that might be helpful.)

Opportunities to Learn

“That’s all well and good,” you might say. “But how can my children gain all this first-hand experience with younger children?” Glad you asked. Here are a few ideas to get things started. You’ll probably find many more opportunities around you.

1. Younger siblings — Babies and young children in the house are prime opportunities for the older children to learn child-care skills firsthand. We just need to make sure older siblings are not so busy that they never spend time caring for the younger or playing with the younger.
2. Adopt a younger family — Part of God’s plan for discipleship is that the older mothers mentor the younger mothers. So look around your church for a younger mom who has younger children and invite her to meet you at a park or to come spend some time at your house. Discipling is best done in everyday situations. Your time together doesn’t have to be spent studying a book or following a program. Form a friendship; encourage the younger mother; give counsel when requested. And coach your older children in caring for that mom’s younger children while you are together. Help them see it as part of your family’s ministry to brothers and sisters in the church.
3. Baby-sit — It works well to transition into a solo baby-sitting job by starting first in your home. Have your older child offer to care for a younger child or baby at your house, rather than at the child’s house. Your older child will be responsible and do the care-giving, but you will be on hand to watch and coach as needed. Once your older child is comfortable and competent baby-sitting at your house, he or she can more confidently transition to giving care alone at the younger child’s house.
4. Nanny position — We were blessed this past year with the opportunity for our oldest daughter, who has graduated from our home school, to nanny during the week. Under the supervision of two godly women, she gained valuable experience with child-caregiving and tutoring, while at the same time ministering to the moms and their families.

Children are a blessing. Let’s do all we can to prepare our children to be parents who welcome and know how to care for their little ones.

I remember a conversation I had with several other moms who were from different regions of the country. We were discussing “common courtesy,” and many of us had different ideas of what constituted courteous actions.

Some insisted on their children’s using “ma’am” and “sir”; others didn’t care about that wording. Some felt insulted when a child left the table before all the other family members were done eating; others had never thought about that practice.

In many ways we were diverse in our definitions of courtesy, but on one thing we all agreed: we could tell very easily when someone was being discourteous or disrespectful. Specific actions might vary, but the underlying attitude could be clearly seen.

Courtesy

Over the years I have seen some parents work hard at teaching their children etiquette, but those same children do not exhibit courtesy. What’s the difference? Etiquette is a way of acting; true courtesy is a heart attitude.

Courtesy is being concerned with the other person’s comfort. It may take different forms in different situations, but the underlying attitude remains.

I’m a firm believer in the principle that common courtesy begins at home. There is no better place to help your children develop the habit of being courteous. Make up your mind now to be consistent: if you wouldn’t allow your child to treat a guest that way, don’t allow him to treat a sibling that way. Concern for the other person’s comfort is the key.

Here, again, the motto of “Respect the older; protect the younger” applies.

Some Personal Specifics

Do you want some specific suggestions? Okay. Here are some of the practices that I have tried to instill in my children as habits of courtesy. Please don’t limit yourself to these, but this list might at least give you a starting place.

• Please and thank you

  From the time they were babies, I have required that my children say “please” and “thank you.” When they were too young to say the words, I taught them the two sign-language signs to communicate those courteous thoughts. And I reinforced the habit by natural consequences. If they didn’t say “please,” I looked at them expectantly and waited until they remembered. When I handed them what they had asked for, I didn’t let go until they said “thank you.” And, of course, I tried to model courtesy by using “please” when I told them to do something: “Please go tell Daddy that it’s time for supper.”

• Returning a greeting

  Even shy children can be encouraged to smile and say “hello” in response to a greeting (before darting behind Mom’s leg). Especially when an older person greets a child, common courtesy dictates that the child respond in kind. We’ve worked hard on this skill with my youngest daughter who has autism. It takes some reminding and some practicing, but it can be done.

• Looking in the eyes

  Try to encourage your children to look the other person in the eye when engaged in a conversation. Looking down or letting your eyes wander around the room can be perceived as rude. One thing that can help with this practice is to make sure you look your child in the eyes when you are communicating with him. And please try to remember to make him look you in the eye when you are praising him, just as much as making him look you in the eye when you are correcting him. It’s easy to do the “Look at me when I’m talking to you” reminder for criticism but not for praise. But eye contact during praise can pave the way for confident eye contact in other conversations too.

• Thank You notes

  We all know how nice it is to receive a thank you note from someone. So let’s teach our children the fine art of encouraging one another by writing thank you notes. Start when they are young and provide personally-preferred notecards as they grow older to help make this practice a habit.

• Telephone manners

  Take some time to help your children practice good telephone courtesy. Role play how you want them to answer the phone, how to lay it down carefully and come get you (rather than drop the receiver and yell across the house), and how to deliver a message accurately. When they get older, work with them to practice writing down a message, getting all the necessary information, and placing the note somewhere prominent to make sure you see it.

Your Specifics

I’m sure you can think of other good manners that you want to instill in your children. Maybe your list would include such courtesies as

• Boys holding the door open for ladies
• Giving up your seat for an older person
• Dinner table etiquette
• Saying “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir”

Specific manners may vary from home to home, but the guiding principles of kindness and respect remain constant. Teach your children those character traits—starting with family members—and common (or perhaps, rare) courtesy will follow more easily.

We celebrated Hannah’s eleventh birthday by going to the zoo yesterday. She rarely asks for things. I don’t know whether that’s because she doesn’t think about wanting anything or just doesn’t think about expressing that wish. But when she told me a month or so ago that she would like to go to the zoo sometime, I made a mental note to try to make that wish come true. Her birthday seemed like a good time to make it happen.

Since we were going the day before her actual birthday, things were not going to follow their usual birthday routine this year. In the first place, we were going on a birthday trip and choosing one birthday present at the zoo gift shop on Friday. Then Saturday we were going to a bookstore to select more presents before the usual family supper and cake. She handled the changes quite well. She even asked whether she could decorate this afternoon for the family supper, so of course I went to the store to get streamers! And when she got a phone call that some of our family were going to have to come over on Sunday instead of Saturday night, she said, “Okay” and that was that.

We’ve been reintroducing some Brain Gym exercises this past year, trying to help her organize her thoughts. At the beginning of the year, last April, she had a very hard time with the cross-hand-marching exercise. (Imagine marching in place, touching the opposite hand to the opposite knee as it comes up — right hand to left knee, left hand to right knee, etc.) That was a very hard exercise for Hannah and required a lot of concentration. Even then, she would usually lapse into same-hand-to-same-knee motion. Last week it suddenly dawned on me that she was talking to me about something at the same time she was doing the exercise and doing it correctly.

We’ve also been working on teaching her more life skills around the house so she can contribute to the family and enjoy a sense of worthwhile accomplishment. She’s learning to load the dishwasher, wipe the counters, and sweep the floor after a meal. She’s also starting to mop. We’re still working on the details, but it’s good to see her pitching in.

One area of pitching in, in which I had a blind spot, was lunch time. Hannah has always gone to sit at her place at the table and passively wait for a plate of food to be set in front of her. Well, one of her sisters raised the expectations one day when I was gone and walked her through deciding what she wanted to eat, getting it out of the refrigerator and onto the plate, and cleaning up after herself. Later this sister kindly mentioned to me that Hannah could do those things. Of course! How silly of me!

On the academics front, Hannah is progressing from short-A three-letter words to short-I three-letter words. She is starting to understand the concept of rhyming. She can add equations with sums up to five and loves to tell time with analog clocks. She’s improving with her ability to narrate and lately has narrated to me Boy of the Pyramids, A Cricket in Times Square, and God’s World and Johnny. We’re still working on her writing skills, but the birthday messages that she copied recently were legible!

This year I plan to continue working on

• referencing faces and regulating behavior based on that referencing;
• reinforcing the idea that people may have different perspectives — both visually and mentally;
• progress in life skills and academics.

But my main desire this year is that Hannah would grow spiritually. I want to be very careful not to push or coerce her in any way, but I feel the need to increase my prayers for her in this area. Lately I have been praying Ephesians 3:14-21, and I invite you to join me in kneeling before the Father, Who is a good Father and the perfect Parent, and asking that

• He would strengthen Hannah’s inner man by His Spirit;
• Christ would dwell in her heart by faith;
• Hannah would be rooted and grounded in love;
• Hannah would be able to comprehend the love of Christ.

We look to “him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”