Intentional Parents

What great timing! When I was tucking my third daughter into bed last night, she asked, “Mom, when will I be able to learn some different chores?” Little did she know that I was writing this e-letter about chores. She was ready to take on more responsibility, and, in the process, learn more about running her own household someday. In fact, she told me (as if she had to convince me), “I think it would be good for me to learn how to do some other chores so I’ll know what to do when I have my own house.”

Of course, I went right to the computer and started making changes to the chore chart. I also discussed with the older girls that they needed to be ready over the next few weeks to teach the ins and outs of their assigned chores and that responsibilities would be shifting.

Probably most of you had chores to do when you were growing up. You certainly have chores and responsibilities around the house now! Unfortunately, the word “chores” often brings about groans and feelings of being “dumped on.” But chores can and should be a wonderful opportunity for you to teach and train your children in character and home skills.

Consider the following three benefits of teaching your children to do chores around the house.

1. Chores are a great way to develop character traits such as diligence, responsibility, and initiative. The child learns that the family is counting on him to accomplish his chore whether he feels like doing it or not. If he neglects his responsibility or does it sloppily, the whole household reaps the consequences.
2. Chores train your children to serve the family members in practical ways. A child who has been assigned to clear the table after meals can easily see how she is helping her parents and siblings. And a child who habitually clears the table after a meal, will find it easy to do the same at a church gathering. Service will become a way of life.
3. Chores are the training and practice grounds for home skills. Our goal is to intentionally teach the child the proper way to do a home skill, then see that he practices it until it becomes a habit. Yes, that takes a lot of time and effort; that’s why household chores should start when children are young. As they master the skills and grow older, they can add new ones that may be more difficult. By the time they are ready to establish their own homes, they should have acquired the needed skills to make a smooth transition.

“But what chores should I require?” many parents ask. Below is an incomplete list of possibilities, just to get you started thinking. Look around your house. Make a list of what you do each week to keep your household running smoothly. Make a list of what you wish you could do more often but don’t seem to have time to keep your household running smoothly. Use those lists as your goals, then back up and break those goals into incremental steps that your children can accomplish as they mature.

Obviously, you will need to invest time training the children in these skills, but keep a long-term mentality. You will gain back that time and much more as the children are able to take on more and more responsibility.

• Starters: Sort laundry; fold washcloths and hand towels; feed pets; set the table; strip beds; scrub floors; make beds; scrub walls, doors, and baseboards
• Intermediates: Vacuum; dust; clear the table; unload the dishwasher; put clean sheets on beds; fold bath towels; fold laundry; empty wastebaskets; sweep floors; wipe table; clean computer and TV monitors; dry dishes
• Accomplished: Load the dishwasher; clean bathrooms; do the laundry; take out the trash; wash windows; clean out and vacuum the vehicles; clean out and wash the refrigerator; mop floors; wash dishes
• Advanced: Fix meals; wash the vehicles; remove, wash, and replace light fixtures; spot-clean carpets; machine-clean carpets and upholstery; change furnace filters; clean out closets and cupboards

I recently overheard my husband explaining to a friend how he appreciated the time we had put into teaching and training our children to do chores as a habit. When circumstances took Mom out of the picture for a day or two, the household ran smoothly because the children continued to do their chores and do them well.

Chores are a win-win opportunity for the intentional parent. The children gain valuable training and experience; the parents gain valuable time; and both gain the comfort of a smooth-running, comfortable, clean household.

Q & A

Q: How do I know at what age to introduce which chores?

A: Good question. Probably the best way to figure out chore assignments is to look at skills. Ask yourself, What skills are needed to accomplish this chore? Then look at the child’s skill level. If a child has the necessary skills, teach him the chore IF it can be done safely. If the chore involves the use of sharp objects, heat, or chemicals, take the child’s maturity level into consideration as well as his skills. Also take a look at physical requirements. For example, you might want to think twice before assigning a short child, who cannot easily reach the kitchen faucet, to rinse the dishes. Can she do it? Probably, yes. But safety and frustration would both come into play with that match up.

Many of our young children can do a lot more than we think they can. Try to think in terms of “How young can I teach my child to do this chore?” rather than “How old should I wait for him to be before teaching him this chore?”

Q: Do you have a practical way to keep chores organized with several children?

A: I’ve always used charts posted on the refrigerator. The charts have changed over the years as skill levels change, chore assignments change, and younger children are added to the mix. When we first started with assigned chores, I made one chart for each child with her duties listed down the left side and the days of the week along the top. As she did her chores each day, we added a sticker to each appropriate box.

The next version of the chart came when the two oldest girls could do enough chores to divide the workload between them. I set up a document on my computer with two lists of chores. I put one girl’s name at the top of each column, along with the date for that week. A little farther down on the paper I put the next week’s date and copied the lists, but then I switched the girls’ names at the top of those columns so they would alternate chores each week. Of course, some chores applied to both girls and remained on both lists both weeks.

(Just as a side note, I noticed that on this chart the words “come” and “go” are typed beside each name, alternating weeks. This practice started when they were arguing over who got to sit in a certain seat whenever we drove anywhere. With the designation written on the chore chart, I didn’t have to remember who had gotten the privilege last time; I just told them to check the chart.)

The third version of the chart is similar to the second, but I added a short list of extra chores that I would pay money to have done every two weeks. These were chores that didn’t need to be done each day or even each week, and beside each is the amount of money I would pay upon approval. They are listed once on each sheet that holds two weeks’ worth of chore lists. Once a money chore was completed during those two weeks, the child initialed it and it was no longer available until the next sheet was posted.

The fourth version of the chart added another child into the mix, so it has three columns and three lists of alternating chores, two weeks’ worth on a sheet, along with the money chores at the bottom. At this point I finally figured out that if I worked up six weeks’ worth of charts (three sheets), the three children would cycle all the way through the alternating chores and I wouldn’t have to keep cutting, pasting, and rearranging the chores to create a new chart. So now all I have to do is once every six weeks change the dates at the top, print the three sheets, and post them.

Dave and Jan are facing a challenge: their kitchen needs some major overhauling. The lights don’t turn on when they flip the switch, the water pipes under the sink leak, and the cupboards are pulling away from the wall. The flooring has holes in it, and the stove doesn’t work. Yes, Jan and Dave have a big job ahead of them. They’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to do the job with their trusty toolbox by their side.

Just one problem: the only tool in their toolbox is a hammer.

Dave and Jan are going to experience a lot of frustration and limited success because they have only one tool in their toolbox. Many parents have only one tool in their discipline toolbox. They too are going to experience a lot of frustration and limited success in the challenge they face: building character and self-discipline in their children.

The problem is that too many parents view discipline as equal to correction. They think that correction is the only tool in their discipline toolbox. They make statements like, “I caught my son hitting his sister and had to discipline him.” But discipline includes much more than just correcting. Think of your discipline toolbox as containing three effective tools: teaching, training, and correcting.

“Discipline” comes from the root word “disciple,” which means “follower.” The goal of discipline is to make your child a follower — of God, of you his parents, of what is right. Discipline is the action of making a disciple. Jesus did not make disciples by only correcting them. He taught them and trained them as well. Intentional parents would do well to use all three tools with their children.

The first tool is teaching. Teaching is telling the child what you expect from her. Teaching can be done directly and indirectly. “Use only your hands on the piano keys,” is one example of direct teaching. The directive is stated simply and positively. Notice that the parent didn’t say, “Don’t hit the piano keys with a wooden block!” Those kinds of statements can get you into trouble because, chances are, your child will think of more possibilities than you ever could. What about hitting the keys with a pencil? With a drumstick? With a sister’s head? Get in the habit of stating what you will accept rather than trying to list all the actions that are forbidden. Of course, memorizing and discussing Bible verses is another form of direct teaching.

You can also teach indirectly through stories and personal example. People’s minds are naturally drawn to stories and conversations. Good stories that teach good behavior can be quite useful. Make sure that the books, software, and TV shows that enter your child’s mind reflect the good behavior you’re trying to teach. And make sure you are demonstrating the good behavior yourself. Your example is crucial to the formation of good habits in your children.

The second tool is training. Training is setting up a controlled situation in which the child can practice meeting your expectations. You want obedience to become a habit. In the initial stages of training, make it as easy as possible for the child to obey. Remove as many obstacles to obedience that you can. In other words, don’t lead your child into temptation. As the training progresses, try to regulate the number of potential obstacles so the child is not overwhelmed. Each victory will increase your child’s habit of obedience and strengthen her ability to resist temptation or distraction.

Train a child to say “Thank you” by handing him what he requested but not letting go of it until he says, “Thank you.” Soon a thankful response will become his habit. Train a child to clean her room by doing it together, then doing most of it together but leaving a small part for her to do alone before you inspect it, then leaving a bigger part for her to do before inspection, and finally, expecting her to complete the task alone. Be sure to inspect the results and give feedback. In the initial stages of training, you will get what you inspect.

Another example of training is “do overs.” If a child slams a door, have him come back and close it correctly. If a child demands more food instead of asking politely, have her do it over, asking politely this time.

Training involves short, incremental steps. Some children will take longer at certain stages of the training process. That’s OK. Don’t expect overnight perfection, but do expect constant progress toward the goal as you lead the way and smooth the path.

The third tool is correcting. Correcting is pointing out to the child how he didn’t meet your expectations, and lovingly and faithfully administering consequences to motivate the child to obey the next time. Notice the key words “lovingly” and “faithfully.” Consequences administered without love can easily turn into abuse. Consequences administered sporadically will never develop the habit of obedience in your children. Remember the two foundational truths from Discipline 101: (1) Who’s going to change and shape your child if you don’t? and (2) Don’t expect your child to be more disciplined than you are.

Certainly, correction has an important place in discipline. But it’s not the only tool you have. Correction is a reaction, or a response, based on what the child has already done. Use teaching and training to guide what the child does ahead of time. Form positive habits in her and your times of correction will diminish. Teaching and training will require more intentional forethought on your part, but the rewards will be well worth it.

Teaching, training, and correcting. Make sure your discipline toolbox contains all three tools.

Q & A

Q: I’ve never heard of training my child; can you give me an example of how it works?

A: Sure. Let’s say you want your toddler to be able to play quietly when you go to someone’s house. Start with teaching. Lay a blanket on the floor and put some quiet toys on it. Place the child on the blanket and teach her what you expect by saying, “Stay on the blanket.” Keep your instructions short, specific, and positive. You would not, for example, say, “Don’t you get off this blanket or Mommy will have to spank you!” State your command in words that convey that you have every expectation that the child will obey you.

Now train her to stay on the blanket by sitting with her for a few minutes and playing with the toys. You might repeat that process for a few minutes each day or for a couple of times a day for two or three days. In the beginning stages of training, you want to make it as easy as possible for the child to obey. On the fourth day, intensify the training a little by removing yourself from the blanket briefly to go fetch or do something in the same room. Remind the child of your teaching before you go by saying in a pleasant voice, “Mommy needs to get something. Stay on the blanket, please,” or just, “Stay on the blanket.” You should be gone for only a minute and remain in sight. If the child stays on the blanket, convey your pleasure at her obedience when you return. Tell her, “Good job staying on the blanket! I’m glad you obeyed Mommy!”

(May I insert a side note here? Please make sure that you’re not training your child to look in your eyes only when he’s done something wrong. Many parents use the phrase “Look at me” only when they are going to correct a misbehavior. Encourage your child to look you in the eyes to receive praise. You want to train him to meet your gaze eagerly, not reluctantly. Enough said.)

If she crawls off the blanket, you will see her immediately because you are still within sight. This is the point where correction comes into play. Drop what you were doing and walk quickly toward her with a sad face, stating calmly and firmly, “No. Mommy said, ‘Stay on the blanket.’” Pick her up, administer a sorrowful spank on the back of her thigh, and put her back on the blanket. Continue the teaching and training by telling her, “Stay on the blanket,” walking a shorter distance away, and coming back sooner. You want to catch her doing it right. As she progresses successfully in her training, you should incrementally increase the time and distance that you are away from the blanket.

Once she is used to playing in a confined place without your attention, you can gradually transition from the blanket on the floor to a loveseat or a large chair then to a smaller chair (assuming the child is old enough to be up off the floor safely). You might even drape the blanket over the loveseat or chair for the first few transitions since she is used to staying within that boundary. When you go to someone’s house to visit, simply take along the blanket and some quiet toys, or take just the quiet toys if she has progressed to sitting in a chair and playing quietly.

Q: How can I use all three parts of discipline with my older children?

A: In general terms, you would (1) teach by telling them what you expect and what God’s Word says about the subject; (2) train by setting up incremental steps that will move them eventually to the goal; and (3) correct by taking away privileges.

Here’s a specific situation for an example: you want your older children to quit yelling at each other and arguing all the time.

(1) Teach

Choose a neutral time to tell them your observations and that God has laid it on your heart to help them break this bad habit. Briefly tell them what you expect in positive terms, using a kind voice. Your expectations could be as simple as, “I expect you to use kind words and kind voices.”

Every morning at breakfast read together verses from God’s Word about the power of the tongue and what kind of speech pleases and displeases God. Proverbs for Parenting would be a great resource for this study. You could also go over how to resolve conflict Biblically, using material from Peacemakers Ministries.

(2) Train

You might take steps like setting up an encouragement time at supper each night. During supper, each child must say something kind about and/or to a sibling. You might increase the requirements to three kind statements over time. Next, you might set up a temporary rule that the children must remain within your earshot during the day so you can help them form this new habit of using kind words. Listen for potential conflict situations and promptly step in to guide the children positively. Give possible suggestions if the child doesn’t know how to state his concern in a kind way. Verbally encourage any effort the children put forth to break their bad habit and start forming the new one. You might even set up a corporate goal and reward for all to work toward, such as a trip to a favorite ice cream shop once the whole family has gone for one week with no unkind words. As each child progresses in developing this new habit, allow him or her increasing time outside of your earshot.

(3) Correct

Whenever an unkind word or tone of voice is used, have that child “do it over” the correct way. If she refuses to cooperate or needs more incentive to remember to speak kindly, take away a privilege that has to do with speaking, such as talking on the telephone or even talking in general. Another built-in correction will be the penalty of having to stay within your earshot longer than those who develop the new habit readily.

Ashley went with her mother to see a Van Gogh exhibit at the local art museum. On the way out of the museum, they stopped at the gift shop, and Ashley found a display full of books about Van Gogh.

She opened the first one and read: “Vincent van Gogh was a Western painter who lived at the end of the 19th century. His work as an artist continues to inspire today because it is fresh and unique. The paintings van Gogh created are full of movement and life, although the subjects are often simple. This is because the artist tried to paint the energy behind what he was seeing.”

Unimpressed, Ashley’s eyes scanned the rest of the book covers as she set the first one back in its place. One book caught her attention; it was called “The Yellow House.” She opened it and read: “One day in the spring of 1888 Vincent van Gogh put on his straw hat, gathered his art supplies, and went out to paint. Peach trees, irises, and buttercups bloomed in the orchards and meadows. But Vincent’s favorite was the sunflowers.”

Intrigued, Ashley turned the page. “At the end of the day, when Vincent finished painting, he returned to his Yellow House. . .” On and on Ashley read. When her mother was ready to leave, she found Ashley completely absorbed.

Ashley had discovered a real book.

I’m sure you noticed a difference between the two books Ashley found. And you noticed that difference by reading just four sentences from each book. But sometimes it’s hard to describe that difference. Just what makes a real book a real book?

Real books (also called living books because they make the information come alive) are usually written by one author who has a passion for the subject, as opposed to a committee of scholars who are simply transmitting facts. Real books are usually written in narrative (story-line or conversational) style, as opposed to static factual sentences or lists like those you find in encyclopedia articles and most textbooks. Real books pull you into the story and involve your emotions and imagination, which makes a deeper impression on your mind and helps you remember the information better.

I find it interesting how much of the Bible is written in narrative style. God knows that our minds are drawn to stories and conversations. He created us that way. In fact, if you think back to a book or two that you remember most vividly from your childhood, chances are it was a real, or living, book, not a textbook.

It is the textbooks that make learning seem dull and uninteresting. Real books feed a child’s natural curiosity and thirst for learning.

So, in the words of Charlotte Mason, “Let their books be living books, the best that can be found in liberal supply and variety.”

(Note: For more on Charlotte Mason and her method of education, read Catherine Levison’s wonderful little book A Charlotte Mason Education.

Q & A

Q: Where can I find real books?

A: You can find real, or living, books just about anywhere once you know what to look for. Two distributors that I have come to trust are Lifetime Books and Gifts and Greenleaf Press. Also, our sister site, Simply Charlotte Mason has more than 1,500 living books in a searchable database called the CM Bookfinder. And don’t forget about your local library. You can probably find many real books there if you go armed with a good book list.

Q: Can I assume that all real books are good for my child?

A: Good question. No, don’t assume all real books are good books. If anything, you must be more alert because real books teach so well! Your child will learn a lot from real books, so watch what they are teaching. We have found some real books that present sibling rivalry as the norm instead of the Biblical principle of loving family members. Some real books are just too intense emotionally for some children. Some teach the child subtle disobedience, deception, or disrespect toward parents. For example, our family has chosen not to read the Frances books, Berenstain Bears, or Little Critter books. Yes, they are real books, but the actions and attitudes in those books are not what I want my children to emulate.

Those cautions include the books listed in the “good” book lists recommended below. The lists are a great starting point, but don’t follow them mindlessly.

You know your child best. When selecting real books, use discretion, preview vigilantly, err on the side of caution, and ask God to help you find the best ones for each season of your child’s life.

“My child has an incredible attention span. He can sit through a half-hour television program without moving a muscle,” Cathy assured Gail with a smile.

“I’m afraid most television programs actually shorten a child’s attention span,” Gail responded gently. “Have you ever noticed how often the camera angle changes during a typical show?”

Cathy’s smile faded. “I never thought about that. What does camera angle have to do with attention spans?” she asked thoughtfully.

Gail revealed her findings. “Once I tried to count the seconds during one of the children’s programs. While the camera was showing one scene I started counting ‘one-thousand one, one-thousand two, one-thousand three, . . .’ until the scene switched. Rarely did I get to three seconds before they were showing a different scene or at least switching to a different camera angle. I realized that the show was actually training my child to desire a new object of attention — a change — every three seconds. It wasn’t lengthening his attention span; it was shortening it!”

And attention-span training is only one of the issues connected with watching television. As parents, we must also be concerned about what beliefs and values are being taught by the words, actions, and character traits depicted in the programs and the commercials.

Intentional parents must constantly be vigilant regarding what messages they allow to influence their children. Be courageous enough to evaluate the popular shows and movies by Biblical standards. Do the shows you and your children watch encourage rivalry between siblings? Do they foster an age-segregated disdain for the younger and contempt for the elder attitude? Do they blatantly break God’s commandments and show no consequences? Do they teach disrespect and disobedience toward parents? Do they present deceptive words and ways as entertaining? Do they encourage immodesty in action and dress? Do they exalt an attitude of revenge? Even (or should I say, especially) children’s shows can teach the opposite of what you are seeking to instill in your little ones. Be on the alert!

You may say, “That’s not a problem. The shows that I allow my children to watch measure up to my (and God’s) high standards.” Great! May I also encourage you to be careful of how much time your family members spend watching the television? Even good shows can stifle better activities.

The TV can be one of the greatest obstacles to cultivating authentic enjoyable pastimes in your family. Let’s face it, it’s easier to sit, stare, and be entertained than to consider, contemplate, and create. And our flesh will be drawn toward what is easy when given the choice. The key is to take away the choice. Make television the exception, not the rule.

Turn off the TV and provide lots of raw materials for your family members to work with. Once it has become a habit in your home to work with your hands and minds instead of sitting in front of the TV, the enjoyable pastimes and creativity will flourish. Relationship-building conversations will become everyday occurrences. God-given talents and interests will be developed. Minds will be sharpened; memories will be forged. Ministry opportunities will be widened.

Don’t let the television undermine your goal for your children. Work hard to establish intentional habits that will help you pursue the goal.

Q & A

Q: How much TV do your children watch?

A: The rule of thumb at our house is that our girls are allowed to watch one pre-approved video per week on Saturdays after they finish their extra weekly chores. The youngest may watch one Mister Rogers program each weekday, and the other three may watch a home improvement show with us one night a week. That schedule still leaves them plenty of time to bake, sew, paint, bead, cultivate flowers, feed birds, catch lizards, create costumes, write and produce home movies, watch squirrels, play games, and read lots of books.

Q: We turned off the television and now our children wander around saying that they’re bored. How should we handle that?

A: As you’re finding out, it’s much easier to limit or eliminate television watching right from the start. However, it’s never too late to make a change for the better. Just be prepared to stand firm during the transition time. I’d recommend three suggestions to help you handle this stage.

1. Help them form a new habit. Provide art supplies or other raw materials and maybe an appropriate how-to book to help them get started creating on their own. Or establish a read-aloud time when the whole family can enjoy a classic book one chapter at a time.
2. Try not to get caught in the trap of doing their thinking for them. Make one or two suggestions of what they might do, but encourage them to come up with something themselves. You might need to say something like, “I’m busy doing (such and such); now you think of something to do.”
3. If a slightly firmer approach is needed, keep a list of chores handy. When the children come to you with “nothing to do,” assign them a task. They’ll soon learn to occupy themselves with the wholesome options you’ve made available for enjoyable pastimes.

“R-r-r-r-ing. R-r-r-r-ing.”

Ellen wiped her hands on a towel and picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Hi, Ellen. This is Lori.”

“Oh, hi, Lori,” Ellen answered, smiling inside. She liked her little chats with Lori. They kept her on her toes.

“Do you have a minute to answer a few questions?” Lori inquired.

“This is a good time. Ask away,” returned Ellen.

“Well, I was wondering about the comment you made last week. The one about teaching the Bible to your children and not just leaving it up to the Sunday School classes at church. How exactly do you do that?”

“Good question.” Ellen replied. “We start with reading Scripture, praying, and memorizing Bible verses or passages at breakfast each day.”

“I’m scared all ready!” exclaimed Lori.

“It’s not that hard, really. I read aloud a Bible story while the kids eat. Then I read or recite a Bible verse or passage aloud and the children join in on the part(s) they remember. We finish with praying together. The whole thing takes about 10 or 15 minutes.”

“That doesn’t sound so hard,” admitted Lori.

“It’s not hard when it’s a habit. We also make sure we have plenty of good Bible story books for our pre-schoolers and young readers. When they ask for a story, we often read to them about Jesus or Old Testament action stories. We want them to be as familiar with Bible characters as most children are with TV characters.”

“I guess I am teaching my kids about Sesame Street every day, now that you mention it,” Lori admitted.

“Exactly. Then as they get older we help them do relevant Bible studies a couple of days a week and discuss their findings together. For example, my oldest daughter is reading through Proverbs this month, looking for verses that deal with anger. We’ll discuss what she discovered all together as a family,” finished Ellen.

“Do the older children think they don’t need any teaching or sermons from church, then?” inquired Lori.

“Oh, no. We often correlate our weekly studies with the book of the Bible that Pastor is teaching on. The children actually have extra motivation to listen and learn more on Sunday mornings,” Ellen explained.

“So, give me a typical weekly schedule for your Bible teaching at home.”

“Let’s see, it goes something like this.

Every morning: read the Bible, memorize verses, and pray at breakfast.

Every day: read Bible story books to younger children.

Two or three days a week: help older children with Bible study.

Once a week: meet as a family to discuss their study findings.

Yep, that about covers it,” summarized Ellen.

“Now I feel overwhelmed again!” Lori hesitated.

“Just pick one part and do it until it becomes a habit,” Ellen advised. “After that one gets established, add another part. You can do it! It’s too important not to.”

Bible teaching in the home can and should be done for all your children no matter their ages. But, as Ellen described above, the method of teaching will progress as the children mature. Don’t feel overwhelmed. The scenario above painted the big picture so you could see how the individual components fit in. As Ellen advised, select just one part of the big picture to start with. Choose one component that applies to your family during this season of life and begin doing it until it becomes a habit. If you add components one at a time, you’ll soon discover how easy and effective it is to teach your children the Bible at home.

The main components of the big picture are Scripture memory, prayer, and Bible teaching. The Scripture memory and prayer can be done with all the children together. We’ll talk about an easy strategy for Scripture memory another month. The Bible teaching component can be broken into three levels: start with the Great Stories Level, then move to the Guided Studies Level, and end up at the Independent Studies Level. Once your children master the Independent Studies Level, they should be set for a lifetime of Bible study on their own.

This month let’s talk a little about the Great Stories Level. We’ll discuss the other two levels in future e-letters.

Young children love to hear stories; God made them that way. And God also gave much of His Word in narrative (story) form. It makes sense, then, to read the great stories of the Bible to our young children.

The Great Stories Level can start when the child is still a baby. Reading to a child helps develop language skills and strengthen the bond between child and parent. Reading Bible stories can do all that and more. Take every opportunity to surround young children with the great stories in God’s Word. Your goal is that the child will be as familiar with Bible characters as with children’s television program characters.

May I offer two tips? (1) Use your voice to make the story come alive. Use an enthusiastic voice for exciting parts, a saddened voice for sorrowful parts, a loud voice for proclamations, a quiet voice for secrets—you get the idea. Unfortunately, many adults have a hard time reading with good inflection because they’ve never heard anyone read like that. Think of yourself more as a storyteller, than a reader. Please don’t be guilty of making the Bible appear to be a boring book. (2) Resist the temptation to wax eloquent, preach, or expound on the moral of the story at this level. The Word of God is living (Hebrews 4:12). Introduce your child to God’s Word, then get out of the way and let Him use it to work in your child’s heart. You may be surprised at the depth of insight a child can have.

That’s it. Not much more to say about the Great Stories Level. It’s pretty simple: read the great stories of the Bible to your young children. Happy reading!

Q & A

Q: What are the age guidelines for your three levels of Bible teaching?

A: I don’t like to outline specific ages for each level; some children are ready to move on to the next level earlier or later than others. You, as the parent, will be able to tell when each of your children is ready for more. Guide them through these levels at their own pace, helping them feel confident that they can understand the Bible each step of the way.

Q: It’s a struggle to get my toddler to sit through a chapter of the Bible. Do you have any suggestions?

A: Yes, I have a few suggestions.

• Remember that, in addition to getting God’s Word into your child’s mind and heart, you are also influencing your child’s attitude toward the Bible. Try to make daily Bible reading something special to look forward to, rather than something to be endured.
• Young children (and some adults) can sit better if their hands are busy. Try to accommodate busy hands with little, quiet toys, if needed. If the toys get distracting, quietly take them away for that session and keep reading.
• Make daily Bible reading enjoyable and special by cuddling on the couch together as you read.
• You might supply special low-mess, finger-food treats—like raisins, cereal, or pretzels—for the child to munch on as he or she listens.
• Above all, be sure that you don’t limit that child’s exposure to the Bible to those daily specific times. Permeate your child’s life with Bible stories and verses.

Jodi quickly grabbed the big pot and held it under the kitchen faucet. As it started to fill with water, she mentally reviewed her timetable for the rest of the day:

2:30 – Get the cavatelli put together and in the oven with the delayed start turned on.

3:00 to 5:30 – The new employee from hubby’s store shows up for five hours of training.

5:30 – Cavatelli should be done so we can eat and get everything cleaned up during the one-hour break in training.

6:30 to 9:00 – Finish the last half of the training.

9:00 to ? – Plan school work for tomorrow and reconcile the bank statements.

Jodi shut off the faucet, put the pot of water on the stove, and cranked on the burner. Restlessly she thought, “No sense standing around here for fifteen minutes waiting for the water to boil. I’ll just grab a couple of minutes on the computer to add a paragraph or two to my next e-letter.”

Twenty-five minutes later Jodi’s daughter stuck her head in the office door and asked, “Mom, do you know anything about a pot of water on the stove? It’s been boiling for quite a while now.”

Jodi’s heart skipped a beat. The water! She dashed to the kitchen and lifted the lid to find that a good two inches had evaporated.

“Thanks, Karen, for letting me know,” Jodi told her daughter, adding more water to the pot. “I meant to stay at the computer for only a couple of minutes but lost track of time. I was working on the next e-letter.”

“No problem, Mom,” Karen answered, smiling. “So what’s the e-letter about?”

Jodi started to laugh. “Margin,” she replied.

You know what a margin is. It’s the space you leave around the edges of your paper when you’re writing or typing. The margin makes the page more readable and the process of reading more pleasant. It keeps the reader from being overwhelmed by a sea of words that spans edge to edge and top to bottom.

The same concept applies to your life. Margin is the space you leave around the events in your life. That space must be allotted purposely in order to prevent your being maxed out physically, emotionally, and mentally. In other words, schedule extra time into your day in between commitments. Leave yourself some margin.

If you need to take the children to a 10:00 appointment and it takes twenty minutes to get there, add ten minutes to get everybody ready and ten more minutes to get them all into the van. Let’s see, that would mean that you start getting ready at 9:20. Make it 9:15 for a little more margin.

Those extra ten minutes of getting ready allow for last-minute bathroom trips, diaper changes, lost shoes, and decisions about which toys to bring along for the ride. The extra ten minutes to get everybody into the van allows for those little discoveries that children make on the way: the ladybug, the ant trail, the neighbor’s dog that is passing by on the sidewalk. Without that extra time margin, you’ll be rushing and hurrying and frantically riding roughshod over the children. In fact, you’ll be more prone to react instead of to act intentionally.

Apply the same principle to getting supper ready. Allow yourself a nice extra margin of time so you’ll be able to respond appropriately to those interruptions that will inevitably come. When you’re frenzied and pressured, it’s easy to try to ignore conflicts between the children instead of recognizing and using those situations as teachable moments. Extra time releases you to put down the potato peeler and go help the two children learn how to share.

Here are just a few ways that margin can help you to be an intentional parent.

• Margin reduces stress and makes it easier not to parent by a default or survival mentality. Let’s face it, when you’re pressed for time and stressed out, it’s so easy to throw the kids in front of a video or to employ bribes or threats in order to get immediate action.
• Margin allows time for teachable moments. You want to “strike when the iron is hot,” that is, when the child has a pressing question and is motivated to find the answer — whether that question is about flowers, tying shoes, life after death, or vitamins. One of the biggest reasons that parents don’t look for good books for their children, or help their children learn to resolve conflicts Biblically, or teach their children home skills is because both the children and the parents are too busy. They have scheduled too many events and not enough margin.
• Margin makes it easier to “be Jesus” to your children. You have more time to consider how to respond the way Jesus would in the various situations that occur. Somehow I can’t picture Jesus telling our children in a raised voice, “Would you just get over here? We’re going to be late!”
• Margin emphasizes what is most important in your life: people, not things or activities. Especially when your children are young and take a long time to communicate their thoughts, you must allow for that unhurried attention that let’s them know you think they’re worth your time. And when your children are older, you need to be available at a moment’s notice for them to share their innermost thoughts when they’re ready to.
• Margin reduces fuzzy thinking. Your brain isn’t muddled by the tyranny of the urgent. Instead you can contemplate on what you want to do intentionally to teach and train your children to the glory of God. You have time to be creative, to pray and wait on God, to make well-thought-through decisions.

As you probably noticed in Jodi’s story above, multi-tasking is one of the biggest margin stealers. Society tells us that multi-tasking is a virtue. Don’t believe it! Add margin into your life by scheduling fewer events in a day, concentrating on one thing at a time, and allowing extra time to accomplish each task. You’ll find that you have more physical energy, more mental capacity, and more emotional stability. Move and think more slowly and deliberately — on purpose.

Will you ever have to hurry? Of course. But try to make stress the exception rather than the rule. Do you want to teach your children to dawdle? No. But don’t push and hurry them through life without providing ample opportunities and time to enjoy it with you. Too many people want deep, meaningful relationships but they try to squeeze them into little cracks in their schedules. Relationships take time — lots of unhurried, safe-guarded time.

Add more margin to your to-do list.

(Note: The names have been changed in the story above to protect the writer of this e-letter. [sheepish grin] Yes, it’s a true story.)

Q & A

Q: Margin sounds wonderful, but I can’t squeeze more time between my kids’ events. Their activities are scheduled too tightly: soccer drop-off at 3:30; piano drop-off at 4:00; put supper in the oven and run back to piano pick-up at 4:30; then soccer pick-up at 5:00; rush home for supper; youth group event drop-off at 6:30; . . . you get the idea.

A: Whew! I’m exhausted just reading about it! The only way you’ll get some margin is to eliminate most of those extra activities. Take steps now — the sooner, the better. You may be locked into some of them for a season, but do some serious rethinking so you will be prepared when you’re presented with the next “opportunity” for your child.

Whenever an activity is suggested ask yourself three important questions: (1) Which of our family goals will this activity help my child reach? (2) Can I think of an alternate way to help my child reach that goal without putting so much demand on my schedule? (3) How will this new activity and the resulting demand on our schedule affect all the members of our family?

The first question helps you keep a long-term mindset. Remember that the ultimate goal of raising children is to produce godly adults. All other ambitions should support that goal.

The second question helps you think creatively. It reminds you to evaluate society objectively and Biblically instead of slipping into a default-parenting mentality. “Prove all things; hold fast that which is good” (1 Thessalonians 5:21). Just because lots of other children are participating in an activity doesn’t automatically make it best for your child. God will not call you to do something that can only be accomplished using worldly means. He will provide ample opportunities to train your children in the way He wants them to go. Your job is to trust Him enough to say no to the things that are less than best, depending on Him to bring along something better in His time.

The third question helps you consider the big picture: your whole family. Society conditions us to view the family as a group of individuals who happen to share the same house. But the family is a unit, a whole entity. What one does affects all the others. Family members are not segregated individuals. So when one family member wants to participate in an activity outside the family, a major consideration must be, how will this addition to our schedule affect the family as a whole? Who will have to ride with you as you play chauffeur? Who will miss good wholesome meals because you’re too busy to cook? Who will miss naps and then be scolded for being grumpy? How will the extra expenses affect the family budget? What extra expectations will this schedule put on Dad?

You get the idea. Be courageous enough to think through this whole extra-activity mindset deliberately. Contrary to what our culture tells us, extra activities are not the right of every child. In fact, many of them are simply ways for adults to control a child’s free time and his parents’ money. Ask and answer the hard questions and choose intentionally. If the answers to those important questions are not favorable, say no. You and your child (and your family!) will enjoy the margin.

Q: What about all the church activities I’m asked to help with? I feel guilty if I say no.

A: First, let’s talk about “all the church activities.” It’s unfortunate that many churches have bought into society’s emphasis on scheduled activities and programs as their primary effort to minister to people. I may ruffle a few feathers for saying this, but here goes: church activities do not automatically equal ministry. As we discussed in the October e-letter, ministry should be a lifestyle, and much of effective, everyday ministry flows from home skills.

Many Christians spend so much time running programs and activities at the church building that they never see their non-Christian neighbors, much less develop relationships with them in order to minister to them. Many Christian parents spend so much time at the church building working with other people’s children that they lose touch with their own children.

Your first God-given ministry is to your family. (Now we’re talking about the “feel guilty” part.) Did you catch that statement? Your first God-given ministry is to your family (Deuteronomy 6:4-7; 1 Timothy 3:5; Titus 1:6). All your volunteer effort at church-scheduled functions will mean nothing if you lose your child’s heart. Don’t sacrifice your family for any event or program.

Also, ask yourself how each additional event on your schedule will affect the individual members of your family. That question is valid for church-scheduled activities as well as for sports or music or social events. More than one young mother has shared with me how frazzled she was because she committed to help with a week of “children’s ministry” meetings. Her own child’s routines were completely upset as she dealt with his missed naps, late bedtimes, and hurried meals. Because of the upset schedule, her child had more discipline issues, but she didn’t have the time or opportunity to deal with them in an intentional manner because she was in a hurry to get somewhere or was in the middle of a structured activity with other children waiting on her. With other mothers and children watching, she felt pressured for her child to behave in a stellar fashion even when he was in the midst of this turmoil. It seems like that experience would fall under the category of “provoking your children to wrath” rather than nurturing them (Ephesians 6:4).

Parents, please don’t say yes to church-scheduled activities simply by default or from guilt. Use the same three questions outlined in the answer above: (1) Which of our family goals will this activity help my child reach? (2) Can I think of an alternate way to help my child reach that goal without putting so much demand on my schedule? (3) How will this new activity and the resulting demand on our schedule affect all the members of our family? Go to God and ask Him about each activity, program, or event that you’re urged to participate in. Find out what He wants you to do at this season of your family’s life. And be careful not to confuse His gracious direction with human expectations.

On the flip-side, be sure you are investing time and effort in everyday ministry — tasks in which your child can wholeheartedly work side-by-side with you for the benefit of others. One of your family goals should be to teach your child to focus on Spirit-directed activity that meets needs, not just calendar-directed activity.

As Lynne transferred the dirty clothes from the hamper in the boys’ room to the laundry basket at her feet, she noticed David watching — again. David loved to follow Lynne around the house, watching everything she did. A thought popped into Lynne’s head: “I wonder if he could learn to sort this laundry. It’s certainly not heavy or dangerous work, and it would reinforce his learning the different colors.”

So Lynne invited David to take one side of the laundry basket and help her lug it to the larger bathroom, where she usually sorted the clothes. She sorted about half of the basketful, making sure that she had a pile for each category she usually used. Then she handed David a white T-shirt from the basket and said, “This shirt is white; it belongs in the white pile.” She pointed to the pile of whites on the floor and watched as he happily dropped it in place. “Good job! Thank you, David,” she beamed at him. “Do you want to do another one?” David nodded and smiled.

Lynne held up a navy sock. “OK, here’s a sock. What color is it?”

David said, “Blue.”

“That’s right,” agreed Lynne. “So let’s put it in the pile with the blues and greens and other dark colors.” She pointed to the correct pile again.

David deposited the shirt in the correct pile, glad that he was helping. They continued the process until the basket was empty, long before David got tired of “the game.”

“Thank you for helping me sort the laundry, David. You did a great job!” Lynne affirmed when they were done.

As David continued to grow and learn, Lynne soon let him grab items from the basket and toss them into the correct piles while she did the same. She kept watch out of the corner of her eye to catch any incorrect placements, but David got to the point where he rarely put an item in the wrong pile.

Soon Lynne let David sort the whole basketful by himself while she stood nearby watching or cleaning. The situation ironically reminded her of that first morning when David had been standing nearby, watching her. She answered any questions David had about unusual items of clothing, but her confidence in his skill grew stronger each laundry day.

One day she simply said, “David, will you please sort the laundry for me?” and continued working in the kitchen. David obeyed, and in a few minutes came back to tell her that he was done. Lynne accompanied him to the sorted piles to see his work. “Great work, David. Everything looks good, and you saved me a lot of time. Thank you!”

Lynne used a simple five-step approach to teach David how to sort laundry. You can use the same five steps to teach just about any home skill to your children. The five steps are:

1. Watch – The child watches you do the skill.
2. Help – The child helps you do the skill.
3. Work side-by-side – The child works with you as you do the skill together.
4. Do – The child does the skill while you watch.
5. Inspect – The child does the skill alone, then you inspect the work.

Use these steps to teach your child how to empty the wastebaskets, load the dishwasher, sew on a button, cook a roast, feed the fish, search the Web, paint a room, mow the lawn, wash the windows, set the table, track expenses, wipe the counters, clean the bathroom, bake cookies, change a diaper — you name it.

This five-step process is a natural learning cycle. Most young children follow Mom around the house, watching; then when they get big enough, they eagerly want to help. Take advantage of that innate desire to learn home skills.

Yes, it will take a large investment of your time to begin with. Of course, it will be easier and quicker for you simply to do the skill or task yourself. But intentional parents don’t base their decisions on what is easiest or quickest. Intentional parents think long-term. Time invested now will reap big dividends when your children are able to do much of the day-to-day housework for you, and when they can enter their own households thoroughly equipped with the skills you have taught them.

Q & A

Q: Shouldn’t we be teaching our children how to serve in the church? What do home skills have to do with ministry?

A: Home skills have everything to do with ministry. A simple clarification should make the picture fall into place. When people refer to “the church,” most of the time, unfortunately, they are referring to the building and the meetings that occur inside it. But the Biblical definition of the church is a group of believers — people. We should be teaching our children how to minister to, or serve, other people — and especially those of the household of faith.

Ministering to the church means providing acts of service to the believers with whom we fellowship. Service and ministry should be a way of life — all day, every day. Please don’t restrict ministry to only certain actions that occur within a certain building and only on certain days. When your children have been trained in home skills like cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, doing laundry, painting, fixing appliances, formatting and repairing computers, sewing, and more, their opportunities to serve are virtually unlimited!

In younger years they can help you prepare and carry out acts of service to other believers within your church family. For example, as you bake a casserole and make a card for a newly-widowed saint, the children will practice cooking and craft skills. (Notice how many Enjoyable Pastimes can be used for ministry, as well.) As they go with you to deliver the items, they will observe how you interact with the person to whom you are ministering.

As the children become proficient, they can do the preparation tasks themselves. For example, older children could gather the painting supplies and load them in the van so everything will be ready when Dad says it’s time to go. By this time in their training, they’ve probably seen him gather the supplies many times and they know what is needed. Then they can go with Dad to minister by painting a fellow believer’s house.

When they become older teens, if they have been faithfully trained in home skills, they can be sent to represent your family in acts of ministry to other believers in need. For example, think what a blessing your family would bestow if two of your well-prepared-in-home-skills teenage daughters stayed in the home of a new mother in your church family for several days. Imagine all the ministry your daughters could do to serve that sister-in-Christ: cooking, cleaning, child care, laundry, encouragement, laughter! Think how well your son could serve a family with a terminally ill child. He could do the yard work, run errands, do Web research, and play with the other children while the child’s mom and dad navigate those never-ending doctor appointments or hospital stays.

Sending your children out to represent your family by serving reminds me of Psalm 127:4 and 5. The psalmist paints the word picture of children’s being arrows in the hand of a mighty man. A mighty man would shoot his arrows in various directions to accomplish his purpose. In the same way, a parent can send children who are well trained in home skills in various directions to accomplish abundant ministry within the church family.

Yes, home skills are fundamentals that provide a multitude of ministry opportunities.

Q: Which home skills would you recommend starting with?

A: Start with home skills that can be done with the least amount of danger. Do not start with skills that involve chemicals, sustained heavy lifting, sharp utensils, fire or heat, or machinery. At our house, we started with sorting laundry, folding washcloths and towels, feeding the dog, and lots of stirring (cold items off the stove, like juice, Jell-o, and pudding). We also encouraged skills like planting seeds in the garden, picking blueberries or strawberries, and setting the plates on the table (adding forks and knives later).

Rebekah had reached that whiny stage. She whined if she didn’t want to eat what I had fixed for lunch. She whined when I told her to pick up her toys. She whined if she didn’t get to go to the park.

It wasn’t that she refused to do what I told her. She would eat what I fixed, and she would pick up her toys when I said so. I knew enough to require obedience. But I didn’t know what to do about the whining. It was really grating on my nerves.

Then — I can remember it clearly — I had my first “ah-ha!” moment about discipline. You know, those moments when into your brain pops a thought that is so clear and so relevant you wonder why it had never occurred to you before. It seems so simple, and yet so profound. You stand stock still and think, “Ah-ha! That’s it!”

Ah-ha Idea #1: “Who’s going to change it if you don’t? If you don’t like her whining, you’re the one who will have to do something about it.”

Seems simple, doesn’t it? Yet many parents complain and fret and, yes, whine about their child’s behavior as if they can do nothing about it. Well, parents, if you don’t do something to change your child’s behavior, who are you expecting to change it? No one else has that assignment from God; you do. Children will not just “grow out of” disobedience, selfishness, manipulation, and pride. God has entrusted them to us so we can train them up in His ways and His Word.

Yes, it will take some creativity and hard work, but you can do it. In fact, you must do it. If you don’t, who will?

My second ah-ha! moment about discipline occurred with my second child, Ruth. It was one of those days when I had little to no energy left. I felt like all I did was pick up toys, clean up messes, change diapers, and settle conflicts. I was sick and tired of getting up out of my comfortable chair to enforce my instructions to my little one. I wished she would just do what I told her to do so I could sit for longer than two minutes.

Once more I gave the firm but gentle command, “Leave the books on the shelf.” I saw that little hand reach out, and I knew she was going to pull every last book off if I let her. And, at that point, I was ready to let her “just this time.” I argued with myself that I was too tired to do what I knew I should do. I wanted to do what I wanted to do this time! That’s when ah-ha! number two struck.

Ah-ha Idea #2: “Don’t expect your child to be more disciplined than you are. If you cannot make yourself respond properly each time she requires help from you, don’t expect her to respond properly each time you require something from her.”

It requires self-discipline to consistently shape our children’s characters. We call that shaping “discipline” for a good reason. Our ultimate goal is that our children will embrace the discipline we impose from outside until it becomes a part of them on the inside. In other words, we want them to become self-disciplined. We want them to be strong enough to do what they know is right even when they don’t feel like doing it.

Sound familiar? At that moment in my parenting, I was struggling with self-discipline. I didn’t want to do what I knew was right because I didn’t feel like doing it. I was modeling the exact character flaw that I was trying to train out of my daughter.

It takes self-discipline to teach self-discipline. Your child will learn the most about discipline by watching how disciplined you are. Don’t expect more from your child than you’re ready to put forth yourself. It’s not just a matter of your enforcing a set of standards; it’s a matter of your modeling by example the character you’re trying to teach.

So there you have them: the two “ah-ha!” moments that continue to prod me to keep on keeping on consistently shaping our children’s characters through discipline. Simple? Yes. But they have made all the difference.

Q & A

Q: How do I deal with a strong-willed child?

A: Probably the most important thing you can do is to change your thinking: your child is not strong willed, he’s weak willed. No, it’s not just a matter of wording. This concept can change your whole perspective.

Think about a person on a diet. That person is not supposed to eat certain foods. Say you and that person go to a restaurant for a meal. As you’re sitting across from each other in the booth, she grabs some chips and starts munching on them. You know those are a forbidden food on her diet. Would you say that person is strong willed or weak willed? She is weak willed. In fact, she might even mention the need for more will “power.” She is weak willed because she gave in to what she wanted to do instead of being strong enough to do what she was supposed to do.

So why do we call a child who does what he wants to do “strong willed”? He is actually weak willed. He doesn’t have the strength of character to do what he should. Instead he gives in and takes the easiest route: doing what he wants.

Now do you understand why this concept can change your whole perspective? Thinking of your child as weak willed helps you mentally to view him as someone who needs your help instead of someone who is in a battle against you. It is your responsibility — and your desire because you love him — to help him and train him in order to strengthen his will so he will be able to do what he should instead of doing only what he wants.

This new way of thinking de-fuses the “power struggle” bomb. There is no power struggle. You are the parent; you are in charge. God says so. Period.

So, how to deal with a “strong-willed” child? Start with changing your thinking and applying the two ah-ha! ideas described above.

(Note: Actually, this “new” way of thinking is the old way of thinking. Charlotte Mason explained this difference between strong willed and weak willed in her writings in the late 1800s and early 1900s. You can find a good synopsis of The Way of the Will in Karen Andreola’s book, A Charlotte Mason Companion, available through our Web site.)

Q: How should I discipline my special needs child?

A: Oh, how I wish that question had a simple answer. I thought I had this discipline thing pretty much figured out — until God gave us Hannah. Hannah is autistic, and many of the techniques that worked so well with the other children suddenly didn’t work at all. Many autistic children have sensory issues. Hannah has a very high threshold of pain and a very low awareness of other people’s feelings. Suddenly, spanking didn’t have the same effect it had previously. Mommy’s disapproving face wasn’t even noticed by this child. I found myself second guessing every discipline issue because I wasn’t sure whether she understood my directives. The last thing I wanted to do was punish her for something she couldn’t comprehend versus something she simply refused to do. But how could I know the difference?

So, once again, Hannah’s special need nudges me closer to the Savior. I beg Him to show me how much she comprehends and where her heart is. I depend on Him for wisdom to know what circumstances might “provoke [my child] to wrath” and for creativity to find effective ways to “bring [her] up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

Through it all, one statement rings in my head. A mom on a Christian e-mail loop I subscribe to said this one day: “God did not give your child a special need as an excuse to sin.” That statement helps me know what to focus on and what to accommodate. For instance, recently we had our family picture taken at our church. To Hannah’s way of thinking, whenever she goes to the church building she sits in one of the blue chairs. When we told her to come look at the camera and the little stools by the backdrop, she started to cry. Now, technically, she was disobeying my command, but in her heart she was simply scared of the change in routine — a symptom of her disability. She was not rebellious, but afraid. I treated the situation with accommodation, trying to help her take small steps toward accepting that change in routine. This was not a discipline issue because she was not deliberately sinning.

However, a couple of days ago I asked her if she had brushed her teeth, and she said yes. I then discovered that she had lied to me. My heart’s first reaction was to wonder whether she could understand what a lie is, but immediately the Lord reassured my heart that even if she didn’t understand the concept yet, it was something she needed to learn. Lying is sin, and I couldn’t let her special need excuse it. (The Lord also reminded me of the two ah-ha! ideas listed above. So, of course, I had to deal with it!)

“God did not give your child a special need as an excuse to sin.” That statement helps to sort the wheat from the chaff. Yes, special needs may require special grace. But remember not to grant your child a license to sin. As much as possible, train your child to please God.

Mom’s Journal, Tuesday evening:

“Good day today. Josh’s interest in cars continues to grow. I think he has about fifteen models in his collection now. Today he copied a drawing of a hybrid engine from a library book. I think he’s going to label the parts before he puts it in his car notebook. This hobby may come in handy when we investigate a new family vehicle next year! Reminder: Invite the Wilsons over so Josh can talk cars with Harold.

“Ben spent the afternoon over at the Andersons’ farm. They had several cows calving this week. He’s really enjoying the James Herriot books we found at the library. Reminder: Check the library catalog to see if there are any more he hasn’t read yet.

“Sarah really seems to be enjoying the Burgess Bird Book we’re reading at bedtime. She identified a wren outside her window today. Idea: Maybe get her a birdfeeder for her birthday.”

Regardless of your schooling choice (public school, private school, home school), your goal, as an intentional parent, should be to cultivate within your child a love for learning that will last a lifetime. It is a tragedy to raise a child who considers graduation to be the end of his learning, who never reads a book after high school or college, or who views education as something to be temporarily endured.

Look at any toddler or preschooler and you will see that God created our children with a desire to learn. Too often that desire is “schooled” out of a child by manmade expectations and requirements. Give your child the gift of a lifetime love for learning. Three easy ways to cultivate that love for learning are (1) by example, (2) by creating a conducive atmosphere, and (3) by supplying the three R’s: real books, real people, and real life experiences.

First, model a love for learning. Does your child see you seeking to learn new skills or information? Does she see you reading for leisure as well as for learning? Modeling a love for learning does not mean that you constantly correct her grammar and turn every shopping trip into an arithmetic lesson. Modeling a love for learning means that you, yourself, are eager to learn new things and that you put forth the time and effort to continue educating yourself no matter what your age. With all of the resources available to us today – interlibrary loans, the Internet, bookstores, videos, computer programs – we have no excuse for clinging to ignorance. So pick a topic you’re interested in and start learning more about it.

Second, create an atmosphere conducive to learning twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Surround your child with excellent resources and plenty of time to explore them. Invest in a large map of the world or a globe; then every time a country is mentioned, look up its location. Don’t make it an elaborate or formal process. Simply express interest yourself and have the child help you learn more. In the process she will be learning too. Buy some inexpensive field guides to take along on trips to the park. When the children find a bug, figure out its name together; when they find a beautiful leaf in the autumn, identify the kind of tree it came from. Invite to dinner missionaries or other friends from around the world and ask key questions to learn about those cultures. Do everything you can to make learning a natural and enjoyable part of living.

Third, supply your children with the three R’s: real books, real people, and real life experiences. (I believe Clay and Sally Clarkson first used these key phrases in their excellent book Educating the Wholehearted Child.

Real books are books written by one author who has a passion for his subject and are usually written in narrative (story) form. Real books capture your interest and involve your emotions as you are learning about the topic. Real, or living, books are the antithesis of dry, encyclopedia-type articles like those found in most modern textbooks. Our family currently has collected over 900 real books for our home library. (We hope to someday make our book list available to you.) [Update: We have created a searchable database of our more than 1,000 books over on our sister site, Simply Charlotte Mason. The database is called the CM Bookfinder. We also have a list of our favorite books for the Early Years.]

Real people can be gold mines for learning. Introduce your children to people in your church, family, or neighborhood who have interesting hobbies and arrange for them to spend time together. Remember the mom’s notes in the journal entry at the beginning of this e-letter: “Invite the Wilsons over so Josh can talk cars with Harold” and “Ben spent the afternoon over at the Andersons’ farm”? Those events are examples of learning from real people.

Real life experiences provide excellent learning opportunities. Don’t just read about dolphins in a book, go look at some real ones. Don’t just teach your child how to budget money as a math assignment, depend on him to oversee your vacation expenses. Work together to build an addition onto the house. Participate as a family in a community theatre production. Go on a family mission trip. Take a CPR class together. Ride bikes. Fly kites. Live a life of learning, and love it!

Q & A

Q: Why Do You Homeschool?

A: The answer to that question could take up a whole e-letter by itself! The short answer is that we homeschool because it is the best way to give our children an excellent education, to disciple them in the ways of the Lord, and to keep their hearts turned toward us, their parents. If you want a longer answer, read the list below of additional advantages to homeschooling. It’s in no way an exhaustive list, but it should help you get started thinking.

Spiritual Advantages:

• We live, and thus teach, a Biblical worldview twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
• We can guide the child to practice critical thinking skills consistently in actual life situations.
• We can demonstrate daily how the Bible is integrated with all of life.

Emotional Advantages:

• The child’s self-concept is reinforced by loved ones, not attacked by sometimes vicious peers.
• The child can develop independence from peer pressure and confidence in his abilities.
• We can develop strong family relationships.
• Homeschooling gives the opportunity to remain modest (for example, no group showers for PE).

Academic Advantages:

• One-on-one tutoring is the best way to teach and learn.
• I can tailor-make individual lessons designed with each child’s needs in mind. This advantage is especially important for children with special needs.
• The child is not limited by the progress of others (for example, having to wait for the rest of the class or study something she already knows).
• The child has increased computer access. He has to share the computer with only a few other children instead of twenty or more and has more time windows in which to use it.
• We have virtually no limit on the abundance of excellent resources to foster a love for learning.
• The child has freedom to pursue changing interests.
• Individually tailored lessons and fewer children in the “class” make more hands-on learning possible.
• We can set our own schedule. Our family schools year round in order to keep feeding the habit of learning and not waste a month every fall reviewing what the children forgot during the summer.

Physical Advantages:

• The children have less exposure to germs and are not forced outside during inclement weather.
• We can feed them a nutritious lunch every day.
• We have flexibility in our schedule to allow for late nights and illness. If the children stay up late one night because of an extenuating circumstance, we have the freedom to — at a moment’s notice — reschedule school work instead of “beating our heads against a brick wall” the next day when everyone is half asleep.
• The children have more free time to play, create, and pursue personal interests. It takes much less time for one student to complete a math worksheet than for a whole roomful of students to try to progress through the same worksheet all together.
• The children have protection from the dangers associated with school bus trips, strangers who might accost them en route, and violent peers.

Social Advantages:

• Homeschooling gives the child training and practice relating to all ages, instead of a preference for their own age group and a disdain for any others. They learn to respect the elder and help the younger.
• Learning at home helps children adjust to inevitable interruptions, just like real life.
• Keeping the children at home all day gives plenty of supervised practice in Biblical conflict resolution.
• The home environment is real life; the school classroom is a simulated environment. Homeschooling gives the child real-life learning in how to function in the real world.

Meet the Cox Family —

Jan and Jerry quickly compare calendars as Jerry grabs a breakfast bar and heads for the door.

“OK, I can pick up Trent from school and drop him off at play practice before I take Tina to softball. But you’ll have to pick him up on your way home, because I have a meeting with Tina’s piano teacher about the open house,” says Jan.

“What time is his play practice done?” Jerry asks.

“Should be over by 5:30,” replies Jan as Trent walks into the kitchen.

“Mom, tonight’s the pizza party,” he reminds her.

Jan sighs. “So when will that be done?” she inquires.

Trent shrugs his shoulders.

“How about if I come straight home and Trent can call when he’s ready for us to come get him?” offers Jerry.

“I’ll do my best to get here by 6:45. If I’m not here by then, we’ll just meet you at the church. OK?”

“That should work. Trent, you’ve got my cell phone number, right?” confirms Jerry. “I’ve got to get going or I’ll be late for work. Have a good day, everybody!”

Meet the O’Brien Family —

With school work behind them, Mary and Jack settle down to a snack of freshly-baked cookies.

“What do you have planned for this afternoon?” asks Mom, pulling out a chair to join them.

“I’m going to work on the fort,” Jack replies immediately. “Tom and I finished the fire pit yesterday, so today we’re going to start work on the roof.”

“That’s great! Be sure to have Dad check out the pit before you build a fire in it,” Mom reminds him. “What about you, Mary? Did you want to start painting that chair for your desk?”

“I thought I might work a little more on that afghan I’m crocheting first,” says Mary. “I’d like to get it finished in time for grandma’s birthday.”

“OK. Could you both give me some help in the garden after supper, when it’s cooler outside?” Mom inquires. “Quite a few tomatoes are ready to be picked and the beans need weeding.”

—————–

The Cox Family hits close to home for many of us. Does the O’Brien Family sound like a dream? It doesn’t have to be a dream. That simpler life is a gift we can give our children. All it takes is an intentional decision to put family time first and limit individual “outside” activities that rob family time. Create some leisure time in your schedule by saying no. Replace those segregated, structured activities with enjoyable pastimes that teach creativity and productivity.

Children (and adults) need to be given a wide exposure to all that is wholesome and interesting in life. They need time and resources to nurture the whole person inside them. As parents, we must be careful not to narrow their focus to only physical competition or academic comparison. God has created mankind with a much larger capacity than that.

God made mankind to be able to think great thoughts, to communicate those thoughts in writing and art, to create millions of different musical compositions, to invent helpful tools, and to beautify our surroundings. If we’re not careful, we will miss those enjoyable pastimes as we hurriedly settle for whatever is fast, trendy, and convenient.

In the months ahead we will look at several enjoyable pastimes that intentional parents should give their children. We’ll discuss

• Handcrafts: including woodworking, knitting, crocheting, stamping, leather tooling, and more;
• Art: drawing, painting, sculpting, building, and more;
• Art appreciation: an easy and effective way to introduce great artists to your child;
• Music appreciation: an equally easy and effective way to introduce great composers and favorite musicians to your child;
• Music: fun ways to make and enjoy music together as a family;
• Recreation: physical activities that bring the family together and that your child can carry over into adulthood.

These kinds of enjoyable pastimes will encourage your children’s creativity, feed their souls, protect their innocence, stretch their imaginations, exercise their minds, and challenge them to aspire to great things. These pastimes will give them a great foundation and many tools to take with them into adulthood. These enjoyable pastimes are the second gift of intentional parents.

Q & A

Q: I’m not the artsy-craftsy type. Are you saying I have to teach my children to knit?

A: I’m not the artsy-craftsy type either. No, I’m not saying you have to teach your children to knit. Each family has a unique personality based on the interests and abilities of the parents and children. Don’t try to be something you’re not. Teach who you are.

Two of my children have learned how to knit and crochet. I don’t know how to do either, but the Lord knew that my girls would enjoy those pastimes and He sent people into our lives who could teach them. My job is not to take a crash course in every enjoyable pastime I can think of, but to supply my children with the resources — raw materials and people or other instructions — and give them plenty of time, space, and encouragement to experience and learn.

That being said, please don’t limit yourself. If you want your children to love learning and to be equipped to continue learning all their lives, you need to model that desire yourself. Don’t be afraid to try new things that you might enjoy. In fact, learn along with your child whenever possible. Those shared experiences will create great memories and a strong bond between you.

Q: How can I teach my children to share?

A: First, let me say that each child should be able to have some toys that are special and don’t have to be shared. Give him a special place to store his special things (a dresser drawer, for example) away from smaller siblings’ hands.

For toys that are in general use, teach young children to share by taking turns. Use a timer to regulate each child’s turn(s). The general guideline is one minute for each year of the youngest child’s age. (If you had a 2-year-old and 4-year-old, set the timer for two minutes each turn.) Explain to David that when the timer beeps it will be Sarah’s turn to play with the toy. If David has trouble waiting, redirect his attention for that short time or do whatever you can to help him wait with a good attitude. If, however, the impatience turns into fussing, explain that David can’t have the toy until he gets control of himself. Even if the timer goes off, the toy does not change hands until David stops fussing. And speaking of changing hands, help both children hand the toy gently to each other; no throwing or dropping it on the floor and walking off. Help the children take their two-minute turns until one or both get interested in a different toy.

As the children get older and have grasped the concept of sharing, a new rule goes into effect to hold them accountable for what they already know. The new rule is this: if a toy is causing two children to be unkind toward each other, remove the toy. Neither may have it. Emphasize that their attitudes toward each other are more important than a toy. People are more important than things.