Intentional Parents

I hope you won’t mind if we pre-empt our originally-scheduled topic for this month in order to share a different one that has been on my heart lately.

Our oldest daughter is fifteen, soon to be sixteen, and we’re starting to field that typical question asked of a teen who is soon to graduate: “Where are you going to college?” Twenty years ago that question didn’t phase me; today I brace myself whenever I hear it coming. You see, over the past few years God has been inching us along this path of sincerely questioning many of society’s customs that we grew up taking for granted. This isn’t a flippant, rebellious sort of questioning; it’s a soul-searching, count-the-cost type of questioning.

So as the traditional college years appear on the horizon, these have been my concerns.

1. The Typical “College Experience”

   The question has been posed, “Don’t you want your daughter to have the college experience?” To be honest, I’m not really sure that I do! The experience I had in college (and I went to a very conservative Christian college) was that I was isolated from real life and surrounded by kids very close to my own age with minimal adult supervision. Hmm, that sounds very similar to the set-up of traditional school classrooms from Kindergarten on and eerily close to one of the reasons I chose to homeschool apart from that environment. Why would I embrace that methodology now?

   Think about it: We’ve spent all this time and effort bringing our children up in an inter-generational atmosphere. They’ve been surrounded with real life and encouraged to pursue personal interests and develop a love for learning. They’ve learned to value our parental advice and view us as best friends and godly counselors. So why would we pay multi-thousands of dollars for them to be isolated with people their own age away from us parent-friends in a not-at-all-real-life classroom environment that requires everyone to follow the same schedules and study the same things?

   I’m not sold on “the college experience.”

2. The Protection of My Daughters

   I’m also concerned about protecting our children’s minds, hearts, and bodies. In college courses, the content of a class all depends upon the professor; we have no control over what views and information are put into our children’s minds. It’s also difficult to guard our children’s hearts when they are surrounded day and night by the worldly values of their peers (yes, even in a conservative Christian college). And recent media articles and interviews confirm that college campuses are becoming increasingly dangerous places for our children physically.

   I cannot reconcile our God-given responsibility to protect our daughters and the culturally-driven expectation to place them in the middle of that kind of environment.

3. The Soaring Cost and Potential Debt

   Have you looked at the cost of college lately? It can cost anywhere from $6,000 to $30,000 per year for just tuition and fees; that figure doesn’t include books, transportation, room and board, or living expenses. It’s outrageous — and increasing faster than the cost of living!

   Sending your children to college requires hundreds of thousands of dollars that most parents don’t have. So it is expected that either the parents will assume a huge debt or the children will assume that debt and take it into their first years at a new job or first years of marriage. Those early years of career and marriage generate enough stress and adjustment without our children’s also being saddled with financial difficulties from the very beginning!

4. The Assumed Advantage of a Degree

   And what do our children get for this massive money outlay? A piece of paper that says they’ve read the books, taken the tests, and otherwise completed their assigned work over the years. Now, I admit that in our world today some benefits exist to those having this piece of paper called a degree; it may not be sensible, but it is a reality. However, decisions about what God wants our children to do with their lives should not depend on the world’s expectations and values. How much better to tell our children to seek the Lord regarding their future work for Him and to hold college as one option, if He calls them to it, rather than as an assumption by default. Many of our friends, as well as ourselves, are involved in work and ministry that doesn’t make use of our selected college majors or earned degrees. Are you using yours? Something to ponder.

   I guess the bottom line is this: I’m not saying that college degrees are worthless; I’m just not positive that they are as necessary as we’ve been led to believe. And if the Lord does direct a child toward getting a degree, I’m not convinced that the traditional route of paying multi-thousands of dollars to spend years in a “college experience” is the most prudent way to earn one.

Enter College Without Compromise, an exciting new book that spells out an alternate route! Yes, our children can earn college degrees (if God leads them to do that) for much fewer dollars and without compromising the goals we have worked toward for all these years as intentional parents.

I wholeheartedly agree with this statement from the final chapter of the book (which, by the way, emphasizes intergenerational living): “As we have stated many times, academics is only one piece of the child-rearing puzzle. The main goal is to send them out strong, prepared to love and serve their Lord.”

Please think through the whole “What about college?” question prayerfully and Biblically. Let’s encourage our children to seek God’s direction and wait on His timing without the typical pressure of those post-graduation years looming before them. Hey, maybe we could start a new trend in pre-graduation questions! Instead of asking teenagers, “Where are you going to college?” we could ask, “What has God been leading you to do next?”

Q & A

Q: Don’t teenagers have to learn to be independent sometime?

A: If by “independent” you mean being able to adequately run and provide for their own households in real life, then yes, they do need to learn that. That is the goal of teaching them home skills through the years. By their teenage years, they should be well prepared to run their own households. But if by “independent” you simply mean out from under their parents’ authority and protection, I would question whether a college campus is the wisest place to make that important step of transition. College life does not resemble real life. Also, Biblically, our daughters should remain under the authority and protection of their father until he transfers that authority and protection to their husbands. Such a principle is not restrictive, but loving and secure.

Q: If my son doesn’t go to college, where will he find his future wife?

A: Don’t worry. God is not limited by geography, and He did an adequate job of bringing marriage partners together before colleges were even “invented.” Pray and watch Him work it out for His glory.

Anyone entering our house usually notices the beautiful tabletop easel on the antique dresser in the entryway. This easel, which my father handcrafted for us, holds an oversized art book open to a beautiful art print. The picture is changed every week or so, and we all enjoy looking at it whenever we pass the easel. We usually display the pictures of one artist for several weeks, then switch to another artist after we get a feel for the first one’s style.

In this simple way our family has been introduced to several masters of art over the years. We’ve built up a collection of various art books, each featuring the work of just one artist. We often cycle through those twenty or so artists, then return to our favorites; it’s like revisiting old friends. But we always keep an eye open for new friends too. For example, some modern photographers can produce real art with their cameras.

This easy practice can be used with children (and adults) of any age. And as the children get older, you can take five or ten minutes a week to encourage closer looking. Just follow the simple steps below.

Step One: Open the book to a picture, show it to the children, and tell them who the artist is.

Step Two: Instruct the children to look silently at the picture until they can close their eyes and see it distinctly in their minds.

Step Three: Close the book and ask the children to describe the picture to you.

Step Four: Open the book and look again at the picture. Look for aspects that someone might have mentioned; confirm their descriptions.

Step Five: Put the picture on display in a prominent location of your house for the next week or so. Be sure it is at eye level for the children. After that week, look together at another picture by the same artist, following the same steps above. Continue with the same artist for at least six weeks, then move to another one.

During one of those weeks, you might also give a brief introduction to the artist’s life. You could even read aloud an interesting, living-book biography about the artist. If the biography is long, read it in sections over several days or weeks.

As you can see, enjoying the masters of art is quite different from critiquing and analyzing their techniques. With this simple, enjoyable method of art appreciation, advocated by Charlotte Mason, you are free to form your own relationships with the various artists and their works. You are not told what to think about certain artists or their works; you form your own opinions.

Enjoying beautiful and creative works can inspire within your children beautiful thoughts and creative aspirations. Think how wonderful it would be to go through life with a picture gallery in your mind, containing all your favorite masterpieces to enjoy any time you please! Enjoying the masters — another gift you can give your children.

Q & A

Q: What about “masterpieces” that feature nudity?

A: I’ve encountered basically two fields of thought in regard to nudity in art: either ignore it and treat it like any other body part, or avoid it whenever possible. I must admit that I started out in the first category, but over the years I’ve moved much closer to the second. Now I would recommend that you avoid works of art that show nudity. There are plenty of other great artists and works that don’t contain nudity; study those and protect your children’s hearts, especially your boys’.

If you own an art book that contains some works with nudity, staple the offending pages shut so you can continue to use the rest of the book without worrying about any accidental viewings or temptations. (By the way, this “staple it shut” technique also works well for stories or poems in books with collections of children’s literature. We often staple shut the pages of Halloween poems or ghost stories in such collections.)

Q: Large art books are expensive; where can I find less-expensive pictures that are still large enough for all of us to see the details?

A: While the large art books usually contain the best reproductions, you’re right, they can be expensive to collect. We’ve gathered our collection over the years by watching bargain tables at local bookstores and by putting specific books on our wish lists for gift ideas.

We also have a few large calendars in our collection. Calendar prints aren’t always the best quality, but they can be a great inexpensive source for trying new artists. We try to look through the calendars at local bookstores after the beginning of the year when they go on sale.

You can also check your local library for large art books. It’s nice to be able to keep the books on your shelf and look through them whenever the children want to, but borrowing the books from the library is another great option. And don’t overlook library sales. They just might sell you your favorite artist book one day!

Giving our children the gift of The Bible is foundational to all the other gifts of intentional parents. And, as we have discussed in other posts, Bible teaching can and should be done at all ages. Now, those of you with little ones toddling around the house, don’t panic when you read the rest of this post. Children progress to deeper levels of Bible teaching and study as they mature. We’ve found it helpful to think of these stages as the Great Stories Level, the Guided Studies Level, and the Independent Studies Level. Just concentrate on the level at which your children are right now and keep the others in mind for future reference.

Great Stories Level

The Great Stories Level can start when the child is still a baby. Reading to a child helps develop language skills and strengthen the bond between child and parent. Reading Bible stories can do all that and more. Lay the foundation now. Take every opportunity to surround young children with the great stories in God’s Word. We talked about the Great Stories Level in this post.

Guided Studies Level

When the children can write words easily and read with comprehension, they are ready to transition into the Guided Studies Level. These short Bible studies should introduce the child to the basics of how to study the Bible and affirm that he can understand the Bible on his own. As this level’s title (Guided Studies) asserts, the parent should walk the child through these studies a step at a time — helping, guiding, and encouraging him. We talked more about the Guided Studies Level in this post.

Independent Inductive Studies Level

Once the child is quite comfortable with and has experienced long-term success in the Guided Studies Level, start the transition into Independent Studies. “Independent,” you know, means (eventually) without your step-by-step guidance. You’ll still be discussing her findings, but you won’t be holding her hand throughout the entire process. “Independent” also means learning to study the Bible without the step-by-step guidance of a writer or published materials.

You may have noticed that the official title of this level includes the word “inductive.” Don’t be intimidated by that term. “Inductive” simply means to study the Bible by observing what it says, interpreting what it means, and applying its truths to daily living. Several types of inductive studies are great for people just getting their feet wet at this level: word studies, topical studies, book studies, and character studies. Go ahead and help your child do these types of studies until she feels confident approaching them on her own.

• Word Studies

In a word study you select a key word and learn all you can about that word as it is used in the Bible, for example “grace” or “sacrifice.” The steps for an inductive word study are:

Observe —

(1) Select a key word that is used in Scripture.

(2) Find the verses in which that word occurs. Use a concordance book or software program to locate the verses. Use a Strong’s Concordance or a similar resource to find out the meaning of the word in its original language; e.g., Hebrew or Greek.

(3) Read the verses and write a short summary of how the word is used in each. In some instances you may need to read several surrounding verses to understand the context of the verse in which the word is mentioned.

Interpret —

(4) From your summaries, create a definition of the selected word.

(5) Read the word’s definition in a dictionary and a Bible Dictionary, comparing those definitions to your own definition. Expand or revise your definition as you see fit.

Apply —

(6) Determine what your response should be to your findings. Do you need to make an adjustment in your thinking or daily living habits?

• Topical Studies

A topical study is similar to a word study, but instead of selecting a word, you select a topic, for example “how to handle money” or “what kind of friends to look for.” The steps for an inductive topical study are:

Observe —

(1) Select a topic.

(2) Find the verses or passages that address that topic. Use a concordance book or program to locate the verses. Look for key words or related words. For example, if you wanted to study “how to handle money,” you could look for words like “money,” “steward,” “wealth,” “poverty,” or “rich.” Use a Strong’s Concordance or a similar resource to find out the meaning of each word in its original language; e.g., Hebrew or Greek.

(3) Read the verses and write a short summary of what each verse or passage says about your selected topic. Don’t forget to read surrounding verses in order to understand the context.

Interpret —

(4) Put together your summaries and explain what the Bible says about your selected topic.

(5) If desired, read a Biblically sound book on the same topic. Expand or revise your summary as needed.

Apply —

(6) Determine what your response should be to your findings. Do you need to make an adjustment in your thinking or daily living habits?

• Book Studies

It is always profitable to study a book of the Bible in its entirety. Beginners will find it easiest to start with a shorter book, like Jonah or Philippians. The steps for an inductive book study are:

Observe —

(1) Select a Bible book.

(2) Read through the entire book in one sitting.

(3) Record the book’s writer, recipients, and time setting. See if you can find out what was happening in world events during that time period.

Interpret —

(4) Summarize the book’s main idea in one sentence; see if you can find one verse that presents that main idea too. You want to succinctly answer the question Why did the writer write this book?

(5) Read the book again in sections, summarizing each paragraph or chapter.

(6) Try to outline the book in the form of an acrostic to help you remember the book’s contents. For example, Jonah has four chapters, so you could use the word “fish” (F-I-S-H) to summarize the book. You would think of a summary phrase for chapter one that starts with the letter F; chapter two’s phrase would start with the letter I; and so on.

Apply —

(7) Determine what your response should be to your findings. Do you need to make an adjustment in your thinking or daily living habits?

• Character Studies

A character study takes a familiar “face” from the Great Stories Level and brings it closer so you can get to know him better. The steps for an inductive character study are:

Observe —

(1) Select a Bible character.

(2) Find the verses or passages that mention your selected character. Use a concordance book or program to locate the verses. (If you select a common name, like John, make sure the passage mentions the person you are studying and not a different person by the same name.)

(3) Read the verses and write a short summary of what each verse or passage says about your selected character. Don’t forget to read surrounding verses in order to understand the context.

Interpret —

(4) Put together your summaries and explain what the Bible says about your selected character. Look beyond mere actions to motives, attitudes, and character traits.

Apply —

(5) Determine what your response should be to your findings. Do you need to make an adjustment in your thinking or daily living habits?

These types of independent Bible studies can require a significant amount of time. Help your student learn that a few minutes of study consistently and faithfully invested every day can reap great rewards. Once your child has mastered the techniques of the Independent Inductive Studies Level, he will be prepared to study the Bible on his own for the rest of his life.

Q & A

Q: I don’t know Hebrew and Greek; how can I teach it to my children?

A: Ah, you noticed that the Independent Inductive Studies Level begins to incorporate the use of Bible reference books and encourage the student to go back to the original languages of the Bible in order to understand subtle shades of word meanings. Here’s a secret: you don’t have to know Hebrew and Greek if you have the right tools. This would be a great time to invest in some good Bible reference books or software such as Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance, Vine’s Bible Dictionary, a Greek-English lexicon, an Interlinear Hebrew-Greek-English Bible, or any of the Zodhiates Word Study Helps, as well as a good commentary, such as The Bible Knowledge Commentary by Walvoord and Zuck. These resources should be available at your local Christian bookstore.

Remember these mottoes: “A job worth doing is worth doing well”; “Early to bed and early to rise”; “An apple a day keeps the doctor away”?

Now, to some of us, those statements are just pithy sayings. We may have heard them, but they didn’t necessarily change our lives. A saying becomes a motto only when you adopt it and live by it.

I remember making up some original mottoes for our family during these childrearing years: “Early bedtimes are for parents”; “Sisters are the best kind of friends”; “Fussing gets you nothing”; “Things go better with Coke” (wait a minute, that one isn’t original!).

Charlotte Mason had a great motto about education that I like to apply to our homeschooling. But I think it also applies to discipleship. She said, “Education is an atmosphere, a discipline, a life.” It seems like those three areas summarize discipleship quite well: Discipleship is an atmosphere, a discipline, a life.

Atmosphere

Though sometimes we hate to admit it, the saying often proves true, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” We parents, and especially mothers, are at the center of our family circles. We set the pace for the environment in the home. So the first crucial area of discipleship is making sure we are walking closely to the Heavenly Father. As we practice the presence of God and walk in His Spirit throughout the events of each day, we create an atmosphere conducive to discipleship.

Discipline

But simply setting the example and creating the atmosphere isn’t enough; our children need to be grounded in the Word. Bible study is not all there is to discipleship, but Bible study is an important part of discipleship. We must get our children into the Word and the Word into our children. Without this area of discipleship, our children will be tossed to and fro with every wind of false teaching.

The two main methods that I use for this area of discipleship are Bible reading/study and Scripture memory. We’ve already talked about the three levels of Bible reading/study: Great Stories, Guided Studies, Independent Studies. And we’ll talk more in-depth about the Independent Studies Level next month. The main point of all those levels is: make sure your children are in the Word.

The way to get the Word into your children is by Scripture memory. Scripture memory is important for all members of the family — not just the children. Memorizing God’s Word together can build great bonds between family members even as it strengthens them spiritually. Please don’t give your children the impression that memorizing verses is a trick they perform for treats or trinkets. Hiding God’s Word in our hearts should be a lifelong privilege and habit.

A few years ago we found a great little system to help with this aspect of discipleship. Using this easy system, we’ve been able to memorize (and remember!) hundreds of Bible verses together. In fact, we review all the verses we know every month, and it takes only five or ten minutes a day. Feel free to visit our other site, SimplyCharlotteMason.com to see the details of this easy and effective Scripture Memory System our family uses to get the Word into our children. Of course, you don’t have to use the same system, but do make sure you are intentional about this discipline of Scripture memory.

Life

Discipleship is an atmosphere, a discipline, and a life. Discipleship should be living — a way of life. As you are walking closely to your Heavenly Father, keep your children beside you and verbalize how you see your Father at work each day. Part of creating the atmosphere is seeing God in the events that happen, but making discipleship a way of life requires talking with your children about those things you see.

Of all people, Jesus certainly saw God’s hand at work in all the events that happened around Him. He didn’t need to talk about God’s working for His own benefit. But He was very careful to verbalize the ways that He saw God’s hand at work for His disciples’ benefit.

As you talk about the Lord’s faithful engineering of all that happens to your family members in the events of the day, your children will begin to think along those lines too. Seeing God in every situation will become a way of life.

Discipleship is an atmosphere, a discipline, a life. As you seek to disciple your children, cling to Colossians 1:28 and 29: “Him [Jesus Christ] we proclaim, warning [our children] and teaching [our children] with all wisdom, that we may present [our children] mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me” (ESV, adapted). Ultimately, discipleship is the work of the Holy Spirit in our children’s hearts. Yes, we should be faithful to create the atmosphere, encourage the discipline, and live the life, but we must depend on His energy that powerfully works within us. It’s not about us; it’s all about God. And as we learn to recognize and respond to the Spirit’s promptings in our hearts, we, ourselves, will go deeper as followers — disciples — of Christ.

Q & A

Q: With three preschoolers, I’m struggling to find time for personal Bible reading and prayer. And when I do have time, I’m so tired that I can’t comprehend more than a couple of verses. I feel like a spiritual failure. Did you ever feel like this?

A: I remember the years with only preschoolers at home as being one of the driest times in my spiritual life. I basically went into survival mode and felt good if I didn’t backslide. My nourishment came in spurts, not a steady flow, and not big spurts — just enough to keep me going. And eventually, it did get better. I remember it not as a time of deep Bible study, but of desperately searching for nuggets of encouragement and wisdom. Maybe the reason those nuggets came in little spurts is because my tired brain couldn’t handle much more at a time. I remember someone telling me that she believed God gives extra grace to young mothers, and I sure needed it!

It will get better! This is only a season. Don’t be hard on yourself. Remember that Jesus said His yoke is easy — not hard, harsh, sharp, or oppressive. If you’re feeling a burden of a heavy yoke that seems to be hard, it’s someone else’s yoke; it didn’t come from the One Who tenderly carries those who are with young. Rest in Him. Your heart is still turned toward Him even if your body and brain are lagging behind these days. He understands totally. He knows your body better than you do, and He knows what’s going on with it. He knows our frame and remembers that we are dust. He is there to help you, not beat you over the head. Rest. He does not condemn you; He carries you.

Q: Why do you always have your girls with you?

A: While I may fall short of “always,” I do try to keep them by my side as much as possible. Walking through life together is simply the best way to follow Jesus’ method of making disciples. Here is a quick list of just a few reasons my girls stay with me:

• As we live through lots of situations together, I can seize teachable moments and apply Scripture on the spot — when they’re eager for the answers and able to make immediate application.
• They see my true character because I’m with them all day. (And I see theirs.)
• They hear my beliefs and counsel to others. What a tragedy if I should disciple other young ladies, yet fail to communicate those same principles to my own daughters!
• My presence can deter inappropriate comments and actions from peers or predators.
• They observe how I interact with others in various situations, even those I don’t agree with. And at an appropriate time, I can debrief the girls and hear their hearts on the matter or point out error and reinforce the truth.
• Sharing in my adult life activities removes some of the fear of the unknown and prepares them for adulthood.
• Our relationships are strengthened as we share the same events.

In short, what better way is there to teach and protect the girls’ spirits than by following Deuteronomy 6:6 and 7 and walking through life together?

Now, that being said, two points deserve mentioning: (1) Some activities I do alone or with just my husband or a friend; and (2) This arrangement of keeping the girls by my side works only because we have put forth the effort in training them so they are not a distraction but a joy to be around.

It was Sunday morning. A few minutes before we left for church we performed the weekly ritual. Four-year-old Sarah came into our room and asked, “May I have my allowance?”

“Yes, you may,” we replied. “Just a minute.”

We went to the coin jar and dug around until we found three dimes. These we carried to her room and handed to her one at a time. One went into the purple and pink ceramic turtle bank for savings. One went into a little Tupperware container that had a handwritten label taped on the top: Spending. The last one went into a little plastic coin purse that was sitting on top of her Bible. This dime would accompany her to church because it was for giving.

From ceramic turtle banks and plastic coin purses grow great lessons. It doesn’t matter how much money a person has; if he doesn’t know how to handle it wisely, he’ll soon be in trouble. Intentional parents must give their children the gift of financial know-how, and it’s best to learn money principles at a young age so those principles can become habits.

One of the easiest ways to start is with an allowance — an amount of money that you regularly allow the child to have as part of his or her training process. Allowances are not mad money to be spent as the child indulges a whim. An allowance is a tool for financial training. This tool can help you teach you children at least four financial principles.

1. Do not live beyond your income.

   Having a set allowance limits the amount of money your child has to spend on things he wants. He learns that there are alternatives to running to the store every time he thinks he needs something. He can exercise his creativity and make something comparable, or he can embrace the Biblical principle of contentment.

   And by the way, one huge way you can help your child practice contentment is to throw away those pesky catalogs that come in the mail. I vividly recall one year asking the children what they wanted for Christmas and watching them pull out a huge department store catalog, leaf through its pages, and say, “I want that and that and that . . . ” The next year I intercepted that catalog when it arrived and threw it in the trash. When I asked the children what they wanted for Christmas that year, they had to think a long time before they gave me a couple of possibilities.

   Creativity and contentment can help you live within your income.

2. Plan ahead for upcoming expenses.

   Allowances can also teach children to plan ahead financially. Help the children think through any upcoming expenses, such as gifts or financial responsibilities you have given them. (For example, when the girls grew older we gave them the responsibility of buying fish food for their pet fish.) Work out the figures with the child, taking into account how much spending money she receives each week and how many weeks will go by before the expense happens. Help her calculate how much money she will have when the day arrives and how much — if any — extra money she will have left or need to earn by doing extra jobs around the house.

3. Impulsive buying can lead to problems.

   Another important financial principle your child will learn is the perils that come from impulsive buying. You might consider the two-week-wait rule of thumb: when the child thinks he must buy a certain item, tell him to wait two weeks first. At the end of those two weeks ask the child whether he still thinks he must buy the item. Some times he will say yes; many times he will have lost interest in that impulse buy. This simple exercise can nip impulsive buying in the bud.

   As the child learns to make intentional, rather than impulsive, purchases, he will also be ready to learn about comparison pricing. Set the example of knowing what you’re planning to purchase before you leave home and doing your homework to find the best price. Then talk your child through your reasoning as you consider what would be the best value.

   And if the child yields to impulsive buying, then discovers he doesn’t have enough money left for what he had planned or for an unexpected expense, don’t bail him out. Better that he learns this lesson now than when he has a family to support.

4. Budgeting can help you handle your money wisely.

   We all have to manage the tug on our money from various directions: necessities, gifts, savings, sales, mail offers, giving opportunities, not-so-necessities. An allowance can be a great tool for teaching your child the principles of budgeting. We started our children with a simple three-category budget: Saving, Giving, Spending. Whenever we gave them their allowances, they divided that money into the three containers that represented those three categories. Then as they grew, we could introduce sub-categories to further detail their budgets. We’ll talk more in a future e-letter about budgeting and how teaching financial principles can develop as the children grow older.

For now, keep in mind that a thirty-cent allowance may seem trivial, but it can be used to teach tremendously important financial principles. After all, the same principles apply whether it’s thirty cents or thirty-thousand dollars.

Q & A

Q: Do you give allowances based on completed chores?

A: Yes and no — allow me to explain. Each child receives a set amount of money weekly that is not tied to completion of chores. Chores are simply one way of serving fellow family members; they will always be around and should become a habit, not a motivation for money. (I don’t remember getting paid for the thousands of meals I’ve cooked, truckloads of dishes I’ve washed, mountains of laundry I’ve folded, and miles of carpet I’ve vacuumed. Do you?) However, we do post a list of extra chores that the children can choose to complete for extra money. These are chores that need to be done only once in a while, not every week — for example, cleaning the refrigerator or vacuuming the inside of the van.

So to summarize, the children have chores that they are required to do simply because they are part of the family. They do not get paid for those chores. They receive an allowance each week independent of those chores. They may, however, earn extra money by completing incidental chores that we have listed along with the amounts we will pay for a job well done. Those extra chores are not required; they are simply available if the child wants some way to earn extra money.

Q: How much money should an allowance be and at what ages?

A: First, let’s talk about "at what ages." That decision is based on when the child can comprehend the value and use of money. My seven-year-old, who has autism, doesn’t yet comprehend the concept of money. With the other children, I think we started around age four or five. So don’t get caught up in any particular age, watch for readiness.

Now, for the "how much." When we started, we gave the child three dimes each week. One went into a savings container, one went to church for giving, and one went into a spending container. We would increase to three quarters at around age seven or eight. We just found it easier to accomplish the visual budgeting with three similar coins instead of trying to teach a preschooler about percentages.

Once they reached age ten and up, we started teaching them to use budgeting software on the computer, introduced percentages, and stopped giving them the actual cash. At that point, we simply supervised their entering the weekly amounts into the correct ledgers (Spending, Giving, Saving) and oversaw the "keeping of accounts."

Don’t get hung up on the amounts we used. The amount of allowance you give your child depends on your financial situation as a family and what you expect the child to use the allowance for. Some families give their children larger allowances but expect them to use part of it to pay for their own clothes. We usually keep the amount small but are ready to partner with the children in purchasing significant gifts (or supplies to make significant gifts) so as not to frustrate or embarrass them.

Tired from a long day, Michelle wiped her hands on the dishtowel and made her way down the hall to three-year-old Andrew’s room. She peeked her head in the door expectantly and sighed, disappointed to find Andrew sitting on the floor in the middle of a large pile of toys.

“Andrew,” Michelle began in a weary voice, “what do we do every night before you go to bed?”

“Pick up the toys,” replied Andrew cheerfully. He was getting to be a big boy, and he knew the answer.

Michelle stepped over the building blocks and the model cars, moved the stuffed frog to one side, and sank onto the bed. “Exactly,” she said. “Now, Andrew, I want you to show some initiative and start cleaning up the toys when it’s bedtime, whether I’m here to help you or not.”

Andrew sat quietly for a moment; Michelle could see that he was thinking. Finally, he looked at her with a puzzled expression.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, Andrew.”

“What’s ‘nishyativ’?”

Character is such an abstract concept. It’s hard for children, who think concretely, to comprehend all that goes into character and its various and sundry traits. It’s also hard for parents to explain character and its traits simply, yet completely, so children can understand them.

How would you have answered Andrew if you had been Michelle? You could have explained, “Initiative means cleaning up your toys when you know it’s time to, even if Mommy isn’t here.” That definition would have fit the circumstances; Andrew probably would have learned how to apply initiative in that situation. But he most likely wouldn’t have been able to generalize that character trait into a different scenario that also requires initiative — like using the bathroom on his own or making his bed in the mornings.

Every family can benefit from learning simple definitions of important character traits. As all the members of the family learn the same definitions and discuss the same traits, they find that they are all on the same page when they face opportunities to apply those traits.

For example, Scott knocked on his ten-year-old daughter’s bedroom door. When Julie called, “Come in,” he opened the door. Julie was lying on her bed, reading a book. Scott walked in and began to explain the chore he needed her to complete that day, but her eyes never moved from the page. Finally, Scott said, “Julie, I want you to pay attention to me when I’m talking to you.”

“I am paying attention, Dad,” Julie responded. And she repeated exactly what he had explained to her, all the while looking at her book.

“Well, OK,” Scott replied, hesitantly. “Uh, thanks.”

As he left the room, Scott knew something didn’t seem quite right, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. After all, Julie obviously had heard what he had said.

If Scott and Julie had both learned the same definition of “attentive,” each of them would have known what was expected in that situation. Instead of Scott’s feeling unsettled yet unable to identify exactly what was wrong, he would have been able to gently remind Julie that “attentive means listening with the ears, eyes, and heart.” And Julie would have been familiar with that expectation from the start.

All the family members’ learning simple definitions of character traits lays a solid foundation for applying those traits in everyday life. And that learning is even more powerful when you memorize Scripture verses that correspond to those traits. Remember, the Scripture passages and definitions don’t have to be long; in fact, the shorter and simpler, the better. But investing the time now will pave the way for a smoother road ahead.

Many lists of character traits are available, along with definitions and Scripture verses. I like to recommend A Child’s Book of Character Building Books 1 and 2. (The definition of “attentive” used above comes from that series.)

Q & A

Q: I caught my child playing with the remote, which he knows he’s not allowed to touch. We both knew he was going to get a spanking, but when I told him to “come here,” he threw it across the room and ran away. Now what do I do?

A: Now you’re in a tough situation. You’re going to have to deal with two issues: playing with the remote and running away when summoned. It will require two separate corrections for two separate incidents, and you’ll need to make sure your child understands both disobedient actions and their compounded consequences.

These situations can be frustrating. What could have been a focused reinforcement of your rule about the remote, turned into a confusing conglomeration of explanations.

After experiencing this type of exasperating situation a few times, I discovered a helpful tip: Don’t insert additional requirements in the midst of a correction. If at all possible, don’t create an opportunity for another conflict before you get the first one resolved. If the child disobeys, go to him and physically take him aside to correct him. You take the initiative to physically guide him through what needs to be done. Don’t make additional demands from afar that give him additional chances to disobey, thus compounding the situation; such requirements can simply add another conflict that, if disobeyed, leads to another issue with another correction that must be resolved before you can get back to the first issue and its correction. Whew!

It happens to all of us sometimes, but be aware of the potential and try not to get sucked into the “compounding conflicts syndrome.”

Q: How do I handle obedience accompanied with fussing or scowling?

A: With young children, I’ve always concentrated on requiring immediate obedient actions first, then fine-tuning their attitudes as a process along the way. Here’s my reasoning: at young ages, children don’t know what an “attitude” is. It does no good to tell them to change their attitudes. They aren’t developmentally able to step outside themselves and identify objectively what they are thinking or feeling. So I try to shape and encourage correct attitudes at this point, but I focus on enforcing obedient actions. Notice the difference between enforcing and encouraging or shaping.

Here’s a practical example. Let’s say you told your child to close the door. (And by the way, please get in the habit of kindly telling your child what you expect [“Samuel, please close the door”], rather than asking him whether he will do what you expect [not “Samuel, will you please close the door?”] A small detail that can eliminate confusion.]) As he responds to your words, make a mental note of two separate issues: his actions and his attitude.

First, his actions: Did he do what you told him to? “Close the door.” If no, he didn’t close the door, physically correct his disobedience and have him try it again until he obeys.

If yes, he closed the door, but he pitched a fit about it, thank him for closing the door, but tell him, “You may not fuss.” Put him in his crib and tell him to “do your fussing in here” or “No fussing.” Wait outside the door, out of sight, for his fussing to stop. As soon as you hear even a millisecond of silence, enter the room with an enthusiastic response and a smile: “Oh, good, you’re done fussing!” If the fussing begins again, let your face show disappointment, say sadly, “Oh, you’re not done fussing,” and go outside the door again. Make sure the fussing is completely “turned off” before you remove him from his crib and happily engage his attention elsewhere.

If yes, he closed the door, but he slammed it, enforce the correct behavior by having him do it over the correct way. You might say something like, “No, close the door gently.” Then physically guide him through the process a few times, finishing with the encouragement and smile, “Yes, close the door gently. Thank you.” Do you see how this training step would be impossible if the child were pitching a fit? You must deal with the fussing issue first, then you’ll have laid the groundwork for this step in the process.

If yes, he closed the door without slamming it, but he had a scowl on his face — fine. He obeyed; you don’t have to enforce his obedience. Now you can concentrate on encouraging and shaping his attitude. Model the happy voice and face you want him to have as you thank him enthusiastically. Then distract him to a new activity. Soon he may forget to scowl because he’s looking for your happy face.

So here’s the process in incremental steps: (1) physically enforce that he does what he’s told; (2) eliminate his fussing; (3) refine how he does what he is told; (4) refine his inner attitude. Once the child has been trained to do steps 1 and 2 by habit, you can concentrate more intensely on 3 and 4. The child will also be older at that point and better able to understand what an “attitude” is. Then as the child matures even more, you can add the final step of teaching him appropriate appeals to authority and respectful negotiation skills.

Just as God matures us and shapes us to be more and more in the image of His Son, so maturity and discipline is a process for our children. Don’t expect them to do everything exactly perfect the first time. Encourage their progress and keep moving them toward the goal of maturity.

Nancy introduced them to cake decorating; Sarah encouraged it along.

Meo taught them about humility and serving the Lord with your whole heart.

Debbie taught them to oil paint.

John taught them how a toilet works.

Heidi introduced them to rubber stamping; Karen encouraged it along.

Kevin taught them about orphans in South Africa.

Amy taught them about orphans in their own neighborhood.

Dewey taught them about Fort Frederica.

Karen taught them to swim.

. . . And the list could go on. These are just some of the people God has brought into our children’s lives. Each person has contributed positively to the children’s learning and growing.

We’ve already talked about the three R’s that are involved in giving your children the gift of academics: real books, real people, and real life experiences. As you’ll recall, real books are books that make the subject matter come alive; we also call them “living” books. This month we’re focusing on giving your children an education through real people. Interacting with real people makes the subject matter come alive too.

Consider this fact: when God wanted to reach the hearts of people He didn’t give just His written Word, He sent His Son as a person. Those who spent time with Jesus learned from His words, actions, and attitudes. God designed relationships to be that way. When your children spend time with people, they learn from those people’s words, actions, and attitudes. In fact, living books are simply one way of conveying a person’s thoughts. How much better to actually interact with the author!

All around us are people who have many wonderful ideas and skills; they just haven’t written any books about it. Your children can learn much from these “unpublished authors.”

For one thing, they can learn about a vast array of wholesome hobbies. It’s always fun to meet someone who has a hobby we’ve never heard of or even thought of before. Learning about that hobby gets the creative juices flowing and opens our eyes to the multitude of possibilities in this world.

Another area in which real people can teach your children is history. I remember my husband and I were talking with a church member many years ago, and she mentioned that she had almost been in one of the decisive historical events of the civil rights movement. Now that was an interesting conversation, and it made that time period come alive in our minds. History is the story of people and what happened to them under God’s sovereign control. Take advantage of learning history firsthand — from the people to whom it happened.

A third area of learning happens more subtly when children spend time with real people — they begin to identify and, possibly, mimic those people’s habits. Of course, this tendency is one reason we need to be careful who our children spend a lot of time around; but on the positive side, this tendency can be a benefit if we are careful who our children spend a lot of time around. Let them rub shoulders often with godly adults whose lives and habits are worth imitating.

Real people can come alongside and help you in your quest as an intentional parent. Look for them and thank God for them. Then sit back and enjoy what you will learn from them along with your children.

Q & A

Q: How do I find interesting people?

A: It would sure be easier if every person wore labels describing their hobbies or interesting knowledge, wouldn’t it? The fact is, many people you come in contact with every day have an interesting hobby or history; you just don’t know about it yet. Remember that game in which you have to think of three facts about yourself that no one else in the room knows? You quickly discover that you’re surrounded by interesting people.

Here is a short list of places to start watching and listening for interesting people:

• church family
• neighbors
• relatives
• friends of relatives
• store clerks with whom you have regular contact
• friends
• friends of friends
• doctors and other professionals with whom you have regular contact

Keep your eyes and ears open to those people whom the Lord will put in your path. Above all, keep in mind that the Lord knows what influences your children will benefit from; trust Him to provide the right people at the right times along the way.

Q: Should I allow non-Christians to teach my children?

A: Obviously, we must be discerning about which people we allow to influence our children, but realistically we must remember that not every person our children come in contact with will be a Christian.

When making that judgment call I usually consider three main factors: time, topic, and character. First, time: How much time will my children be exposed to this person? Usually, the longer the exposure, the higher the influence. Second, topic: What topic is this person teaching about? (And remember that teaching doesn’t necessarily mean a formal class; teaching can happen anytime, anywhere.) I do not allow non-Christians to teach my children about spiritual issues. Third, character: Does this person demonstrate ethical actions and wholesome words?

Seems to me that it would be the epitome of pride to assume that non-Christians have nothing worthwhile to teach me or my children. A humble heart is ever ready to be taught — and equally ready to filter that teaching through the Word of God.

Snapshot One: Rebekah sitting in a highchair with crayons in fist and a piece of paper taped to the tray.

Snapshot Two: Rebekah holding up the Mariner’s Compass quilt block she just figured out how to piece together, on the table in front of her are the other blocks in the quilt she’s designed and sewn.

Now between those two snapshots insert a time lapse of about fourteen years, a truckload of raw materials, and hundreds of hours of free time.

Children have an innate sense of creativity. Unfortunately, that creativity is often squeezed out of them as they grow. Their time often becomes increasingly structured into a tight schedule, and their thought processes become conformed and dependent on direction because of participating in so many organized classes and scheduled events. We need to give our children large quantities of unhurried time and lots of raw materials to feed their creativity.

Real creating is hard work. It includes observation skills, designing, problem solving, science, mathematics, trial and error, perseverance, cooperation, and more. If you want to nurture that creativity, provide an assortment of materials and get out of the way. Let the child experiment and create. Don’t buy those expensive activity kits that tell the child what to do. Give her scraps and extras and let her design how to use them. Yes, you will find paper and cardboard scraps on the floor and little pieces of tape stuck to the bottom of your shoe. Yes, chances are your desk will be covered with all kinds of doodads, lovingly made and given with an explanation of how they work. But what an easy way to nurture creativity and resourcefulness!

Here are a couple of tips for fostering in your family the enjoyable pastime of handcrafts.

1. Encourage meaningful and useful projects that can be done safely according to the child’s skill level. Children of all ages can gain satisfaction and enjoyment from learning to build and create useful items from fabric, yarn, wood, or brick. As they get older they can expand to using metal, stone, glass, or wire. Of course, not every project will be serviceable right from the start. Play-Doh isn’t exactly an heirloom. When children are young, simply encourage them to work with their hands and celebrate their accomplishments. You will be setting the tone for how they view their future ideas and creations. Be gracious! Then as they grow, begin to nudge them toward useful projects. But don’t underestimate what young children can do.
2. Don’t limit handcrafts based on the gender of your child. Boys can learn to sew or knit; girls can learn carpentry or welding.
3. Help your children discover the great ministry potential that handcrafts can bring. Involve your children in serving others through the work of their hands. Make an afghan or wall hanging for an elderly person; knit or sew your next baby shower gift; learn woodworking skills in order to offer repair help to those who need it in your neighborhood and church. Children know when their contribution is substantial and useable. Help them develop a servant’s heart and skilled hands.
4. Value the impact handcraft skills can make at home. Imagine being able to look through the house as a teenager and to identify several items that your family members use daily that you made with your own hands. Talk about a sense of belonging!

Teach this enjoyable pastime by encouraging a wide array of handcraft skills and providing the materials, resources, and lots of free time in order to learn and enjoy them.

Q & A

Q: What if I don’t know how to sew, build, (fill in the blank)?

A: My children do a lot of handcrafts that I don’t know how to do; for example, cake decorating, oil painting, knitting, and using a scroll saw. They have learned these skills in several ways. Sometimes the Lord brings people into our lives who have the desired skill and can teach the children one-on-one; these people might be grandparents, neighbors, or friends from church. The learning process gives a great opportunity to develop a relationship with an older person. I can even learn the skill along with them if I want to. Other times the children borrow books from the library that explain how to begin or to improve certain skills. Once in a while they see a handcraft presented at a workshop or conference exhibit and learn it that way.

See, if they’re used to experimenting with raw materials and their imaginations, they tend to pick up an idea and run with it. They don’t wait for someone to tell them what they should learn next; they’re walking down the path of being self-educated. So don’t worry if you don’t know how to do a handcraft that your child is interested in. Look around for resources, provide the materials, and encourage him or her to give it a try.

Q: How can I contain the mess that comes with handcrafts?

A: Ah, those little scraps of paper that get spread all over the house. Those half-finished paintings that cover the dining room table when supper is ready. Yes, giving your children raw materials and lots of time in which to use them can be messy. The ideal, of course, is to have a craft room or workshop that is set aside to hold all the raw materials and projects in progress. But not every house or family can accommodate the ideal. Perhaps a small area can be dedicated to handcrafts, like a card table set up in a corner or placed in front of a spare closet that can also serve for storage. If you can’t find even that much room in your house, you might consider keeping all your raw materials in a box or crate and giving each child a box or crate in which to store his or her projects. The child can use the kitchen table between meals, then you can put the crafts and supplies into the boxes and whisk away the mess.

Bottom line: craft supplies and children can be a messy combination, but I want to remind you of two things. One, teach the children from a young age to clean up their messes. And, two, the mess is worth the creativity, learning, and progress you’ll see in your children. Remember, many of their projects can be used for ministry as they are given with little notes to encourage people.

"Andrew knows almost all the Bible stories; we’ve read them together since he was a baby. I think he’s ready for something more," Andrew’s mom commented.

"How are his writing skills?" Barb asked.

"Oh, he’s comfortable writing a few sentences or a short letter," came the reply.

"Yes, it sounds like he’s ready to move on to the Guided Studies Level," Barb affirmed.

Remember the three levels involved in teaching the Bible to toddlers through teens? Great Stories Level, Guided Studies Level, and Independent Studies Level.

When children are small, they love to hear stories. So we read them the great stories of the Bible. Once they have a good foundation in those stories and are comfortable with writing, they can move on to the Guided Studies Level. At this level they begin to learn sound Bible study methods as we, the parents, guide them through some Bible studies. In other words, we do the studies together. Once they learn how to accurately study the Bible, they can graduate from guided studies to independent studies and are prepared to study the Bible on their own for the rest of their lives.

The Guided Studies Level is a transitional level. In it the child is moving from a "feed-me" state to a "show-me-how-to-feed-myself" state. And what a blessing you will experience as you walk with her each step of the way!

A guided Bible study involves three basic steps: observe (what does it say), interpret (what does it mean), and apply (how can I live it). If you think about it, you do those three steps naturally. Imagine that you receive an e-mail from your sister, Deb, that says, "I got my airline tickets today. I should be arriving at your airport on the 5th at 1:37 PM. Can somebody pick me up? I get to stay for a week. Looking forward to seeing everybody!" First, you read the e-mail until you’re sure you’ve got the details correct (observe). Then you check your calendar and write in the information because you understand that Deb’s e-mail means that she is coming for a visit (interpret). When the day arrives, you get her bed ready and you plan your schedule around picking her up at the appointed time (apply).

You do the same three steps in Bible study: observe, interpret, and apply.

Step One: Observe (What does it say?)

The key to this step is to read the passage. Now, that key sounds obvious until you realize how many mistakes are made because people didn’t pay attention to what they read. So read the passage several times and ask the basic five W questions: Who, What, Where, When, Why, (and go ahead and throw in How). If you’re dealing with a longer passage, divide it into paragraphs to keep it in manageable chunks. Most Bibles have the paragraphs marked.

After a few studies, once you and your child get comfortable with the W questions, you can look for a few more observations like comparisons and contrasts; "if . . . then" or "since . . . therefore" statements; and word definitions. Write down all your observations so you’ll have them for Step Two.

Step Two: Interpret (What does it mean?)

Review all your observations and ask yourself, "What is the main idea of this passage?" See if you can write that main idea in one sentence. That sentence doesn’t have to contain all the details you found in Step One, but it certainly should not contradict them.

Step Three: Apply (How can I live the main idea in my life?)

Make sure your child understands the significance of James 1:22-25. Don’t just study the Bible for knowledge, live what it says. This step can be discussed gently, but don’t force the child to come up with a pithy "application to real life." Pray together and ask the Lord to remind you of this passage the next time you encounter a situation in which you should apply its principle. Then walk with your child throughout the day’s events and talk about what passages God reminds you of in various situations and how you responded to His Holy Spirit’s promptings. That’s discipleship–encouraging each other to live God’s Word in everyday events.

What an important heritage to pass on to our children! Sadly, many parents neglect this important responsibility and privilege. They think it’s the youth pastor’s job or the Sunday School teacher’s job. But Scripture says it is the parents’ job to teach God’s Word to the children. (See Deuteronomy 6:5-7.) Just think: if one generation of parents neglects to pass on this spiritual skill, their children grow up thinking they aren’t qualified to teach their own kids. They too miss out on this blessing, and all because they’ve never seen it done. Just a few short years ago parents’ teaching their children the Bible was the norm, and many great heroes of the faith grew up in that atmosphere. Let’s reclaim this wonderful privilege and make a commitment to intentionally guide our children in studying the Bible.

Q & A

Q: I don’t have a Bible degree; how can I teach my children to study the Bible?

A: God doesn’t require you to have a degree. If you have a love for God and His Word, a determination to learn His Word yourself, and a desire for your children to love and learn it, you’ve fulfilled the requirements. (See Deuteronomy 6:5-7.) If you’re wondering "How do I do this?" you’ll find help in the numerous Bible study guides and books available. But if you’re wondering "Am I qualified to do this?" yes, you are.

The main requirement is a desire and a determination to make personal Bible study a top priority in your own life. You can then pass along with enthusiasm the truths God is revealing to you and the skills you are learning. But you must make the commitment; you must determine whether studying God’s Word is more important to you than watching TV, for example.

Q: At what age should I move my child from the Great Stories Level to the Guided Studies Level?

A: There isn’t a magic age at which you should make the transition; each child is unique. Instead of focusing on age, focus on developmental skills and readiness. First, make sure the child is well grounded in the Great Stories Level and is very familiar with those Bible accounts. Second, assess the child’s reading and writing skills. The child should be able to read the passage with ease, so his concentration and energy will be devoted to thinking through the Bible study steps instead of struggling through the mechanics of sounding out words. Also make sure the child is comfortable writing short paragraphs, around two or three sentences or more. Again, you want the child’s efforts to be focused on the thought process of the study, not on each letter’s formation.

I was busy in the kitchen preparing a meal for a young mom with a new baby. In the craft room, the older girls were sewing the binding on a quilt they had made for the baby. (Their grandmother ignited the fire for quilting and shared some patterns with them while living with us this winter.) The younger children were eagerly awaiting a chance to play with the toddlers of the new mom when we dropped off the meal.

While waiting for the potatoes to cook, I received a phone call from a middle-aged friend with a prayer request. So I gathered the children together, explained the situation that our friend was facing, and we prayed together.

Before heading off to deliver the food, I checked my e-mail. There was a message from another friend: a parent of some teen-age children. She wanted to set up a date to get all our children together and go for a walk.

Did you notice how many ages were involved in the day’s events described above? Friends from as young as newborns to as old as grandparents. That’s inter-generational living. “Inter-generational” means that the generations are intermixed, living life together, not separated according to age.

For some reason, our culture assumes that children must be herded into age groups, isolated with others just their age for most of their time every day. But I don’t see age segregation in the Bible. I see family members living and learning together, helping each other and interacting with other families; I see grandparents and older adults coming alongside younger parents and letting them benefit from their wisdom; I see Jesus teaching all ages in one group; I see parents discipling their children by spending lots of time with them. And I don’t think those inter-generational situations occurred simply by chance. God has a reason for combining the age groups throughout life. Let’s talk a little about the benefits of surrounding your children with people of all ages.

1. Inter-generational living increases opportunities for discipleship.

   God designed the family to be inter-generational — and for good reason. His plan of discipleship involves younger and older interacting in the daily circumstances of life, learning together how to follow the Lord more closely. As the older live with and teach the younger in everyday situations, they can more easily reach the heart, not just the mind.

   Inter-generational living gives the child more time with wise, godly older people. Proverbs 12:19 presents the truth, “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise; but the companion of fools shall be destroyed.” Now, I don’t know your child’s friends, but I wouldn’t consider many children to be wise. Why then does our society keep children with other children? Our children need to walk with wise people in order to become wise. They need to spend a lot of life with wiser, more mature people, not with their peers.

   Another aspect of the beauty of God’s plan for inter-generational discipleship is that when a child is surrounded by both older and younger, he learns how God’s plan works and he catches a vision of his role in that plan. You see, it works both ways: a believer who lives inter-generationally will always have someone older to learn from and someone younger to teach. As the child walks with wiser, older people, he also realizes that the younger kids consider him to be older and wiser. He learns that it matters what he does; he is not an island unto himself.

2. Avoiding age-segregated classes and activities protects your child’s heart.

   Let’s face it: children can be downright mean to each other. Children who spend a lot of time in an age-isolated group tend to set up foolish standards that breed comparison and competition. Yet Scripture tells us explicitly not to compare ourselves with others (2 Corinthians 10:12) and to help each other, not try to beat each other (Philippians 2:2-4).

   Proverbs 22:15 explains that “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child,” and it seems that most of this foolishness surfaces when parents aren’t around and several children are left to their own devices with minimal adult supervision. Keeping the ages integrated and your children by your side checks this potentially crushing situation and protects your child’s heart from those wounding words and attitudes. Sure, someone may still say something that hurts your child’s feelings, but when that happens you are there to experience it along with your child and to help him deal with it in a gracious, loving manner (a discipleship opportunity again).

   (Of course, this principle assumes that you are training your children to treat their siblings with kindness and Christian love. Wounding words and attitudes can fly between siblings too. Please make sure that Christian living begins in the home. Rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t allow your child to say or do something to a guest, don’t allow him to say or do it to a sibling. Scripture holds up “brotherly love” as a model to follow, not an exception.)

3. Inter-generational living broadens your child’s horizons.

   Age segregation robs a child of many meaningful, beneficial, and Biblical relationships. Children who are isolated by age tend to develop a disdain for any other age group. But those who regularly interact with all ages realize that everyone has value, no matter how old. They can more easily be taught to protect the younger and respect the older.

   As your children spend time with those younger than they are, they learn to nurture and care for babies and toddlers; they learn to help the parents of those babies and toddlers as they are able; they see and hear firsthand what goes into caring for a baby; they realize the importance of discipline and obedience in children; they experience the thrill of each developmental milestone; and they develop the characteristic of patience as they help and protect those little ones.

   As they spend time with people older than they are, your children learn to carry on intelligent conversations with adults; they learn from a variety of people with a variety of hobbies and interests; they benefit from large amounts of time together that give opportunities for everyday discipleship; they keep the elderly engaged in life, and give them meaningful relationships that preserve their dignity and give them a reason to get out of bed in the morning; the children learn to care for and respect the older; they see firsthand the cycle of life and how bodies can change; and they learn to be considerate of others’ limitations. They also learn history firsthand as the elder recounts stories of his life.

   So many of these wonderful relationships are missed or stunted because of busy, age-segregated activities dominating a child’s schedule. Relationships thrive on shared experiences and time spent together. Clear your child’s calendar and broaden his horizons through real people of all ages.

4. Inter-generational living provides frequent opportunities for relevant ministry and service.

   The majority of ministry happens in everyday life situations, not just a couple of hours a week at the church building. Inter-generational living provides many opportunities for real service. Your children will see real needs around them firsthand because they regularly spend the time to listen, watch, and help real people.

   They notice when an elderly friend needs help with yard work, and they don’t think twice about raking that person’s yard that week. They hear the discouraged young mom’s voice telling how she’s so tired that she hasn’t been able to unpack all the boxes from the move into their new house, and they immediately ask which day would work best for them to come play with the toddlers and help unpack. They pick up an extra brick of suet to give to another mom because they know she loves birds but money has been tight recently. These acts of service come naturally because these people are our family’s friends and thus, our children’s friends. With such a wide range of friends comes a wide range of service opportunities!

   Inter-generational living is God’s design for discipleship, protection, learning, and ministry. Minimize the amount of time your child is in age-segregated activities. Look around you and intentionally develop friendships with people of all age groups. Surround your child with a wide range of ages, and watch that child flourish.

Q & A

Q: What are some ways you seek to live inter-generationally?

A: Good question. Well, we try to keep our children in age-integrated situations as much as possible. They spend their days among their siblings of various ages and with us, their parents, as we homeschool. We’re thankful that their grandparents will be moving to our area this summer; soon they will be able to interact with them just about every day. We stay together as a household for Bible studies and worship at our church, and gather with other age-integrated families weekly to talk about how God is working in our lives and to pray all together. We belong to a homeschool group that includes children of many ages and their parents in our activities. Basically, the children stay by our side as we interact with the people of various ages whom God brings into our lives.

Q: By keeping your children by your side, aren’t you sheltering them from the real world?

A: If you think about it, real life is full of interaction with people of many ages. Neighborhoods, work places, grocery stores, holiday gatherings, shopping malls, banks, and interstate highways (to name a few) are filled with people of all ages. Age segregation is really the artificial environment. At what other time in life is a person isolated with only those his own age? No, my children live in the real world every day as they walk by my side.