Intentional Parents

Making the decision to homeschool can be a lot like unraveling a sweater. Once you begin to question the established status quo in schooling and education, you almost feel like you’re pulling on a loose strand of yarn. You begin to notice more and more aspects of society around you that, up until now, you had accepted as “givens.” Before you know it, you begin to filter everything through an is-this-really-best-for-my-family-and-closest-to-God’s-original-plan mindset, regardless of how long any tradition has been around or how popular it is.

I have received several e-mails from parents who are going through that “unraveling” process with the traditional church. They have become convinced that teaching and learning take place best in a multi-generational, one-on-one setting as you walk through daily life together. They have embraced the concept that the father is the spiritual leader and shepherd of the family members. But soon they notice discrepancies between those beliefs and the way many churches today are set up: where the family is divided and each age group is isolated to do its own thing, where the father is not recognized as responsible for and capable of teaching his family the Word of God, or where man-made academic standards are regarded as more important than heart attitude or relationship with God.

So, many parents are making tough decisions about which traditional church activities they will participate in. They are trying to determine which activities will equip them and encourage them as parents to fulfill their God-given responsibility and privilege of discipling their children. Several years ago, we made two such decisions about church activities: (1) We will worship and listen to our pastor’s teaching together as a family; (2) We will not send our children to Sunday School or Youth Group.

Are we saying that every family should copy our convictions? Absolutely not. But we thought you might like to hear how we came to the decision not to send our children to Sunday School, just in case you’re wrestling with this issue yourself.

Maybe the Sunday School at your church is different, but we haven’t found one that meets these criteria:

• Does it emphasize one-on-one discipleship in everyday life instead of using a traditional classroom approach?

  We believe that learning one-on-one with us during everyday life is the best way for our children to learn; that’s why we chose to homeschool. We don’t want our children treated as just one of the crowd and expected to know all the same information and progress at the same pace as all of the other children in the class. Therefore, if we don’t think that a traditional classroom set-up is the best atmosphere for teaching school subjects, why would we use it for teaching the most important subject of all: Bible?

• Does it encourage socializing and learning from all ages rather than fostering a sense of isolation and an attitude of superiority toward just those your own age?

  Inter-generational worship is so important! And being able to get along with and learn from people of all ages is true socialization. For more on inter-generational living, see this post.

• Does it instill a high respect for God’s Word, or does it cheapen the value of God’s Word by emphasizing treats and trinkets as a reward for memorizing Scripture?

  Memorizing Scripture should be a lifelong privilege, not a trick done for trinkets. Here is the easy system we use for memorizing and reviewing hundreds of Bible verses as a family in just five minutes a day: Scripture Memory System.

• Does it promote unity and encouraging one another instead of fostering competitiveness?

  I see nowhere in Scripture that we should pit the children against each other as to who can memorize the most verses or find a Scripture passage fastest. Community, helping each other, and unity are the heartbeat of Jesus’ and Paul’s desires for the church.

• Do we know quite well and trust the people who will be teaching our children, as well as all material they will be teaching?

  I hear too many “cute” stories about children misunderstanding what they were “taught” in Sunday School. And I have first-hand experience with having to correct Biblical errors that my children picked up in Sunday School before we made the decision to pull them out. These errors were not the fault of the material being used, they were the fault of an uninformed teacher. In addition, last-minute substitute teachers or guest speakers can really wreak havoc, and chances are you’ll never hear about it at the time. It would be bad enough if a school teacher were teaching the wrong history or math facts, but we’re talking about teaching God’s Word here! How important to make sure our children learn it accurately.

• Will the material the children are expected to learn at Sunday School support and complement our plan for learning the Bible at home or fight against it?

  I guess it comes down to “What is the purpose of Sunday School?” If the purpose is to teach the Bible, we have a plan for teaching our children the Bible five days a week, plus listening to the pastor teach it on Sundays. And we can discuss what was taught because we are all experiencing it together. It’s so nice to be able to make sure the children are learning the Bible accounts in order as a part of real history, and that we can customize the “lessons” to fit our children’s knowledge of the Bible!

And therein lies the key: If you are not going to send your children to Sunday School, you must make the commitment to disciple them and teach them the Bible every day of the week at home. Please don’t remove the one without replacing it with something better! Yes, it will take work on your part. But isn’t God’s plan wonderful? As you accept the Lord’s design to teach and disciple your children, you will be encouraged and challenged to continue growing and learning yourself!

Please hear our hearts: We love our pastor! We love our brothers and sisters in Christ who make up this local congregation. And we’re thankful for the freedom in Christ that allows us to walk down the path to which the Lord has called us for His glory. Don’t be afraid of unraveling the sweater if God calls you to, but do it prayerfully and lovingly as the Lord leads you one step at a time down the path He has planned for your family to walk.

Q & A

Q: Have you found any church activities that will equip and encourage you as you disciple your children?

A: Absolutely! We love activities that we can participate in together as a family. For example, if there is an adult Sunday School class that focuses on a topic that interests us and that we would like a little help in teaching (for example, creation vs. evolution), we will attend it as a family. We have also integrated a sermon series on a specific Bible book by reading and studying the same Bible book at home during the week as a family. At another time, the girls and I attended a four-week women’s Bible study on the tongue. And we love the idea of age-integrated small groups where the children can listen to adults sharing what God is doing in their lives, share out of their own lives, and pray together with believers of all ages. These small groups are also great places for the children to make new friends of all ages.

Q: How did children learn the Bible before Sunday School?

A: Parents were responsible to teach them. You see this truth throughout Scripture and throughout history. Then in the late 1700s, Robert Raikes organized a school for poor children. These children’s parents had dropped the ball; they were not teaching their children academics or the fear of God because they themselves were strangers to those concepts. Therefore, Raikes established schools for these children to attend on Sundays (their one day off from working in factories), where hired teachers taught the children to read, took them to church, and instructed them in the catechism. However, these schools were for the poor, illiterate children with unbelieving parents. Most literate Christian parents still taught their children Bible at home through daily time in the Word. Unfortunately, as the compulsory public school attendance movement gained ground in the mid-1800s, even Christian parents eventually came to believe the lie that they were unqualified to teach their children or began to embrace the convenient idea of handing over their God-given responsibility to someone else. Now society commonly views the Sunday School as the primary agent for teaching all children the Bible, regardless whether they are from a Christian or non-Christian home.

Daughter’s First Entry, June 4: “Dear Mom, I love you. Will you give me a hug?”

Mom’s Reply: “Dear [Daughter], I’m proud of the way you are growing up. I hope you never lose your desire to do what is right. You are a good big sister and a wonderful daughter.”

Mom’s Entry, January 1: “Dear [Daughter], Thanks so much for the lovely New Year’s Day party. It was a very thoughtful thing to do. I hope you had fun planning it! I’m glad that you didn’t get mad about the fan. You showed me how much you are growing up inside by keeping a good attitude and coming up with a new idea for your decorations. (I especially liked the confetti!) Have a wonderful year!”

Daughter’s Reply: “Dear Mom, I had fun making New Year’s Day special. It was fun to have more than one snack, was it not?”

And so the journal goes. Nothing earth shattering or profound. Just a few entries over the next months. But those entries represent a special pipeline to my daughter’s heart in the midst of all the activity and divided attention that comes with having several children — four girls, in our family.

Oh, how we need to keep our children’s hearts! Here are just a couple of practical ideas that I have implemented over the years to try to strengthen that mother-daughter bond.

Mother-Daughter Journals

As each girl turns seven, I give her a pretty little journal and explain that this is a mother-daughter journal. Any time she wants to tell me something or has a question she wants to ask me, she can write it in this journal and leave it on my pillow or on my desk for me to see. I will write a reply and put it back on her pillow or some other place where she will find it.

These journals give the girls and me a private means of communication that isn’t always available in a household of many. The journals aren’t on any set schedule. We use them when we think of it. But we always know they are there if we need them.

In looking back over one of the journals (the one quoted above), I noticed that often I initiated the entry as a means of encouraging the daughter in some attitude or character trait; she didn’t always start the conversation. And I also noticed that some of her questions didn’t have written responses. Those are the questions that required some discussion in person, not a quick answer in ink.

The final entry in the journal is an explanation that we were about to begin having Girls’ Nights. Once we started that tradition, we didn’t seem to need the journal anymore.

Girls’ Nights

We start Girls’ Nights as each daughter reaches ten years old. One night a week we meet together, just Mom and daughter. It is a time to be alone and give undivided attention. Sometimes we read a book of my own choosing, sometimes one that she wants to read. Sometimes we go out for ice cream or watch a video. Sometimes we work on a special project together.

When we’re crunched for time, we spend thirty minutes together; other evenings we might spend two hours. The activity isn’t as important as the time together. Questions can be asked in private, and specific encouragement doled out. Physical and emotional changes can be discussed candidly, and future hopes and dreams can be shared.

I’m sure there are other great ideas that families have used, but these two have worked well for our schedules and lifestyle. One-on-one time. Don’t rely on a half-hour a week to keep your heart knit together with your daughter’s. Obviously, we need to be cultivating that relationship throughout every day. But there’s no substitute for one-on-one time to give a sense of having a special place in Mom’s heart.

Q & A

Q: How can I adapt your “Just Between Us Girls” ideas for my sons?

A: You could encourage your husband to have boys’ nights or camping trips or other times for just father and son to be together. And please do all you can to make that event easy for your husband to keep. Don’t pester him, but do try to smooth the way by eliminating as many potential obstacles as possible.

You might do a mother-son breakfast once a month and cook a great big breakfast of his favorite foods or take him to his favorite restaurant and sit in an out-of-the-way booth that will encourage talking.

Sally Clarkson talks about taking time to sit with her son in his room before bedtime and listen. One son just seemed to open up at that time of day.

I hope these possibilities help generate some great ideas that will work well for your family and your situation.

Q: How long do you continue the girls’ nights?

A: As long as the child wants to. As of the writing of this e-letter, my oldest is sixteen. We aren’t keeping to a rigid weekly schedule during this season, but we still enjoy spending frequent Girls’ Nights together. My ten-year-old just started entering into the tradition, so we’re careful to keep our weekly appointments as we get our one-on-one times established.

Be flexible. The goal is to get to know your child, and part of that relationship is learning what she likes and doesn’t like as she grows and develops. Preferences change through the years, so be ready to respect those changes. The main point is to keep your child’s heart by whatever means works best for you two.

When I got married I knew how to make two hot dishes: canned chunky soup over rice and macaroni and cheese from a box. And one time I forgot to drain the macaroni.

What a blessing to have a patient husband! I well remember the first time I tried to make egg salad and I misread the recipe. I put one tablespoon of pepper in, instead of one teaspoon. Have you ever seen gray egg salad? Bless his heart, he actually took two bites while I quit after one bite.

That first year of marriage is hard enough without having the added stress of floundering in the kitchen every day! And if your child does not get married, he has even more of a reason to know how to cook for himself! Cooking can also be a wonderful act of ministry within the Body of believers, as well as a great service to family members. In short, we will be doing our children a favor if we make it a priority to give them the Home Skill of cooking.

How, you ask? Simply invite your child into the kitchen as you cook and bake. What do you do once they get there? Let’s review the five steps of learning any Home Skill.

1. Watch – The child watches you do the skill.
2. Help – The child helps you do the skill.
3. Work side-by-side – The child works with you as you do the skill together.
4. Do – The child does the skill while you watch.
5. Inspect – The child does the skill alone, then you inspect the work.

“But what dishes should we make?” you may be wondering. Relax. You don’t need all of those fancy children’s cookbooks or purchased curriculum on Home Economics. As with any Home Skill, just let the child help you and use common sense as you progress from easy to more difficult and dangerous. Common sense is crucial because most cooking involves heat (sometimes with open flames) or sharp knives. Safety must be our first concern.

So here is a little list of suggestions to help you think through how you might progress from easiest and safest to more difficult and responsible. When you think about it, you can actually do a lot in the kitchen before you introduce knives.

Stage One: The Countertop Stage

Introduce easy countertop activities first that use a spoon, a whisk, or a table knife. Possibilities in this stage can include making peanut butter and jelly or peanut butter and honey sandwiches; adding liquid and stirring things like frozen concentrated juice, jello, or instant pudding; measuring; arranging food on a serving plate; spreading frosting or other spreadables; spooning; sprinkling. You get the idea — safe and easy activities that involve no fire or sharp instruments.

Many children love to start helping in the kitchen when they are only two or three years old. For those young ones, it’s a good idea to have a sturdy stool that makes the child tall enough to reach into a large bowl on the countertop. Make sure the stool has feet that grip the floor, so it won’t slip out from under the child, and slip-proof steps. Also, keep in mind that children at this age have a varying attention span. Some days they might stay and help you cook for an hour; other days they may be done after five minutes. That’s OK. If Michele wants to stir the cookie dough only once and then leave, let her. The important thing is to keep a positive attitude and make cooking fun.

Stage Two: The Simple Stovetop Stage

Once your child is tall enough to reach the stovetop comfortably and can easily lift a saucepan of water, you can move on to Stage Two activities. These activities are done on the stovetop but require minimal interaction. In this stage you can teach your child to make pasta and rice. You can also have him make soup (with ingredients that you have already chopped, as needed).

Stage Three: The Progressing Stovetop Stage

Once the child is comfortable with simple stovetop activities, you can introduce some that require more constant attention, activities like browning meat, making gravy, and mixing and cooking pancakes.

Stage Four: The “Stick It In and Forget It” Oven Stage

Introduce oven activities once the child is tall enough to reach into the oven over the open door without getting burned and strong enough to lift a heavy dish in that position. It might be easiest to start with foods that require a long baking time, so the child accesses the oven only a couple of times while making that dish. These long-baking-time foods can include casseroles (again, with already-chopped ingredients), baked potatoes, a roast, quick breads, cakes, and pies. This stage would also be a great time to start learning how to make yeast breads.

Stage Five: The “Pay Attention” Oven Stage

Now your child can advance to foods that require paying more attention and checking more often to make sure they don’t burn. Foods that use a shorter baking time can include biscuits, pizza dough, and cookies. With cookies, the child will be reaching into a hot oven several times, so don’t introduce this activity too soon.

Stage Six: Finally, Knives!

Did you ever think that you could teach your child how to make all of those dishes listed above without ever giving her a sharp knife? I hadn’t realized it until I made this list! By the time your child has advanced through Stage Five activities, he should be old enough and responsible enough to learn how to handle a sharp knife safely. At that point you can introduce peeling and chunking potatoes for mashed potatoes, and chopping and slicing his own ingredients for soups and casseroles.

It’s such a blessing and a relief to have two other chefs in the house at this season of our life! Yes, it took time. No, it wasn’t always easy. (I remember when my oldest daughter went through an experimental stage that included adding food coloring to make green scrambled eggs.) But it was well worth it! I encourage you to intentionally give your child the Home Skill of cooking. You’ll be glad you did.

Q & A

Q: How can I teach my child to cook if I don’t know how?

A: That was pretty much my situation too. (Remember the macaroni I forgot to drain?) But I determined that it was a skill I needed to learn in order to minister to my family. I didn’t have any ambitions to be a gourmet chef, but I did want to feel comfortable in the kitchen and know how to prepare a number of dishes. So I opened the step-by-step cookbook I had gotten as a wedding present and started following the instructions. Little by little I learned.

As with any Home Skill that you don’t know yourself, you can find ways to teach yourself with the resources around you. Check your local library or search the Internet for easy step-by-step recipes and try one or two a week. Of course, you can also look around for an experienced cook who would take some time to teach you (and your children). This idea is lots of fun even after you know how to do basic cooking. For example, we’ve enjoyed learning how to make German dishes when a friend’s mother comes to visit each year. And another friend gives us great recipes and samples of Jewish foods.

Q: At what age should a child be able to follow a recipe?

A: As soon as a child can read and follow instructions, she can learn to follow a recipe. Have the child read the instructions on the box of pudding or from the cookbook or on the recipe card and help her follow them. It may be easier for you just to throw together a dish, paying little heed to any written recipe, but it will help the child if she grows up familiar with recipes and how to use them.

Now, for all of you who like to do the “a little of this and maybe some of that” style of cooking, I’m not saying that you have to go strictly by the letter for every dish, but please make sure you have an ample helping of recipe-following in your shared cooking times.

“I want to play with it!” “No, I want it!” “I had it first!” “No, I had it first!” “MOM!”

How well I remember those words and the feelings they would stir up inside me as I heard them. Those were the opportunities for me to shine! In my imagination I could see Super Mommy whisking on the scene and, with brilliant discernment, ascertaining exactly what needed to be done to restore peace and smiling harmony to her kingdom!

Not for long.

My imagination soon met with harsh reality, and those feelings inside became closer to dread and uncertainty as I willed my leaden feet up the stairs one more time to play referee. Summoning my courage, I would ask the standard first question: “What happened?”

“She hit me!” “She took my toy away!”

“Well, if you can’t play with the toy nicely, neither of you will play with it. I will take it, thank you. Now, you girls tell each other you’re sorry, and . . . ummm, . . . hug each other . . . or something,” I would finish with a flourish.

Conflict. We all encounter it in our homes because we all have human beings living in our homes — sinful human beings. And we all have a pretty good mental picture of what conflict is and what peace should look like, but we flounder a lot in trying to coach our children from the conflict to the peace in everyday situations. It’s frustrating! We know where we want to take them, but we don’t know exactly how to get there.

Well, I’m grateful that many years ago the Lord led me to attend a workshop that gave me some practical, realistic tools to coach my children from conflict to peace. The concepts and principles are right from Scripture, and they’re presented in a way that makes it easy to understand — for children and adults. The main illustration is that of a slippery slope.

Conflict is like a slippery slope. If we can stay on top of the slope, we can resolve conflict in a Biblical and satisfactory way. But if we slide down one side or the other, we get into trouble. Imagine this slippery slope is shaped like an upside-down U. On one side are the Attack responses, like hitting the other person or yelling at him. On the other side are the Escape responses, like pretending there’s no problem, blaming someone else, or running away from the scene. Neither of those responses — attack or escape — is Biblical.

But on the top of the slippery slope are the responses of choosing to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11), discussing the problem (Matthew 18:15), and getting help in resolving the issue (Matthew 18:16, 17). These responses are what pleases God and helps us resolve conflict in a Biblical manner.

At this workshop I also learned about the five A’s of confession: Admit what you did wrong and how it affected the other person; Apologize, expressing sorrow for how you hurt the other person; Ask for forgiveness; Accept any consequences for your actions; and Alter your behavior in the future. Walking the children through these steps was so much more meaningful than just, “Say you’re sorry.”

The four promises of forgiveness helped us as well. They were easy to remember because they make a little poem:

1. Good thought (I promise to think good thoughts about you.)
2. Hurt you not (I promise not to hurt you.)
3. Gossip never (I promise not to bring up this issue again.)
4. Friends forever (I promise to be your friend again.)

All of these concepts, and many more, were tools that I could teach my children and use as I trained them in Biblical conflict resolution. And the good news is that you can learn the same things I learned in that workshop! You too can have the tools to restore Biblical peace in your home!

All of these Biblical principles and the slippery slope illustration and corresponding Scripture verses are available through Peacemaker Ministries. No, I don’t work for that ministry; it has worked for me. And I’m praying that it will equip you, as it did me, to teach and train your children how to resolve conflict Biblically.

Q & A

Q: What should I do about tattling?

A: If the child is old enough to tell you about her sibling’s offense, she’s old enough to be taught the Matthew 18 principle: First, talk to your brother or sister in a kind voice and remind him or her of what’s right. Only if that approach doesn’t work do you come ask Mommy for help.

Do you see the heart attitude you are seeking to reinforce with this approach? Tattling is usually an issue of pride: “I caught someone else doing something wrong and I want him to get in trouble for it.” The Matthew 18 principle emphasizes an attitude of love and wanting what is best for the other person: “I will kindly remind you of what is right because that is best for you and I don’t want you to get in trouble or get hurt.”

So when a child comes running to you and begins to tattle or tell you what a brother is doing wrong, the first question you ask is, “Did you remind him of what is right, using a kind voice?” If not, you have a wonderful teaching opportunity! Take the child by the hand, go to the offending brother, and walk through the steps of what to say and what tone of voice to use — both in the reminder and in the response. If the child answers your question by saying that she has already reminded her brother in a kind voice, then you have another wonderful teaching opportunity! Take her by the hand and go to the offending brother. First, confirm that she did indeed remind him of what is right, using a kind voice. Then deal with the offense in a sorrowful way. Your sorrowful manner will serve to reinforce the proper attitude of love toward the erring brother, not pride and rejoicing over someone’s sin and its consequences.

A line from a video we recently watched grabbed my attention, and I had to think about it for a while. But the more I thought about it, the more it lined up with true learning and the importance of life experiences. The line went something like this: “So much of what I see in life reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

Think about that. Too often we settle for second-hand information, passively soaking up what another person has learned through personal experience but never experiencing for ourselves. Books are wonderful resources and provide almost limitless streams of information, but nothing can replace real life experiences. The learning that we experience first-hand sticks with us and gives us a foundation on which book learning can build. Now, obviously, some things are better not experienced first-hand, but in realms of common sense and the laws of the world God has made, real life experience is invaluable. Let’s look at just two examples: nature study and living math.

Nature Study

It’s easy today to spend the majority of our lives inside man-made boxes called houses or buildings. And it’s easy to keep the children inside too. We all too infrequently get outside to observe and interact with God’s creation up close and personal. Spending large amounts of time outdoors, observing and interacting with nature, lays the foundation on which future science lessons can be constructed. A child who has carefully watched a colony of ants gathering and storing food is naturally curious to learn more about them and can readily relate to Proverbs 6:6-8, which exhorts lazy people to learn from the ants’ ways. A child who has spent hours playing with and experimenting with the water in a nearby creek has a definite advantage when studying the scientific laws that pertain to water. They just make sense, because he has experienced them first-hand.

A pleasant way to encourage nature study is to take at least one afternoon per week to go outside. You can vary the locations if you’d like, but get outside for a while. If desired, go on a nature walk. A nature walk isn’t a structured lesson time; rather, it is a pleasant stroll through God’s creation with an eye toward interesting natural “finds” along the way. As the child discovers something new or curious to him, have a little field guide handy so you can look up the name of his new “find” together.

As the child grows, give him a sketchbook in which he can draw illustrations of his “finds” and label them. Training a child to draw what he sees (not what he thinks something should look like) is a great way to develop the habits of careful observation and full attention. We keep our sketchbooks, colored pencils, regular pencils, and four small field guides in a zippered tote bag that we take on our outings. The four field guides help us identify trees, birds, flowers, and insects.

I love Charlotte Mason’s sentiment: “Never be within doors when you can rightly be without.” Let’s take our children outdoors and experience often how God’s creation displays His power and deity!

Living Math

“When am I ever going to use this?” Did you ever say that when you were studying fractions or algebra? It is a natural desire in all of us to experience learning in real life situations. Math is another subject that makes the transition easily from real life to books.

Encourage your child to use math in everyday situations like shopping, cooking, sewing, gardening, or carpentry and construction. You can start with something as simple as “You may have two cookies” and count them together, and gradually advance to something more complicated like doubling the measurements in a recipe, figuring sales tax or discounts, or calculating how much wood is necessary to build a shed in the backyard. We use math every day; make sure your children realize it and regard it as a natural part of adult life.

Remember the three-pronged approach to academics: real books, real people, and real life experiences. Keep your eyes open for all three kinds of opportunities and you will be giving your children a wonderful education!

Q & A

Q: How can I do nature study in inclement weather?

A: Good question! Inclement weather is a great way to experience the changes in the seasons first-hand. Obviously, you’ll want to make sensible adjustments to your clothing, but don’t let less-than-perfect weather keep you indoors.

That being said, I grew up with Midwest blizzards and I realize that in some regions it’s very difficult to spend time outside all year round. But you can still do some nature study if you have a filled bird feeder outside a main window and a pair of binoculars. Check with a local wildlife store or pet store to find out which kinds of seed attract which kinds of birds in your area, then provide the buffet and prepare to enjoy the feathered guests that appear. It’s such fun to hear your children progress from calling each guest a “bird” to recognizing a “tufted titmouse” or a “house finch” on sight!

Q: I’m not that great at math; how can I make it a natural part of everyday life?

A: I think two of the most frequently used math components in everyday life are counting and measuring. If you focus on those two relatively easy concepts, you’ll have a good start on living math. In many families, the dad is better at math. What a great opportunity for him to get involved in the children’s education and share one of his strengths with them! And don’t forget the value of learning together. If you’re not sure of the how-to’s of measuring, for example, find a book at the library or search the Internet for the basics and learn them right along with your children.

Our children enjoy making movies. They spend hours writing scripts, making costumes and props, filming, and editing. But the movie isn’t finished until they find just the right music to add to the various scenes. It’s so much fun to listen to them excitedly describe how a particular piece by Wagner fits so perfectly with a scene’s action!

“How do they know about Wagner?” you ask. (And how do they know that his name is pronounced VAHG-NER instead of WAYG-NER?) Through a simple habit we’ve established in our house. Here’s how it works:

Choose one composer and listen to his music for six weeks. Play it in the background when you’re eating a meal. Listen to it in the car while you’re running errands. Let the children listen to it at bedtime as they fall asleep, if they want to. When you play the music during those six weeks, casually mention the composer’s name: “Let’s listen to some Bach.”

That’s it. That’s the profoundly difficult habit we’ve established to teach our children about music composers.

“It can’t be that easy,” you say.

I’m sorry. It is. But since you might want a longer post than that this month, here are a few tips and optional activities to consider.

• To get started, collect recordings that feature the work of one composer. Get a CD that has music by only Bach, for instance. Or find a tape of only Beethoven. Check your local library, bookstore bargain sections, dollar stores, discount stores, and online bookstores.
• One thing we finally figured out was to start the tape or CD in various places throughout those six weeks. If you always start at the first song, you’ll know that song quite well but none of the others!
• If you want to, sometime during those six weeks read a brief and interesting biography about the composer. Notice those two key words: “brief” and “interesting.” See the Resources section below for some specific recommendations.
• Be on the lookout for local concerts that present your featured (or a previously studied) composer’s works.
• Some families like to create a music notebook. They include a page or two about each composer with which they have become familiar, including a picture, a list of songs, ticket stubs for concerts they’ve attended that featured his music, and whatever else they want to put into it.
• Sometimes let the children draw what they think the music is picturing or move like the music makes them want to move. (My teenagers still have one particular Strauss polka that gets them up and running around the kitchen!)
• Keep the tapes and CDs available. Once you finish the six weeks of listening to a single composer, add that CD to your family collection and allow the children to listen to it whenever they want to. Soon that composer will become an “old friend” to them.
• By all means, make this habit casual and a natural part of your family life. The goal is not to analyze each composer and his works; the goal is to enjoy and appreciate good music together. Becoming familiar with a composer’s style and works is a natural benefit of spending six weeks with him. Don’t force it.

Q & A

Q: Which composer should I start with?

A: There’s really no right or wrong answer to that question. Simply choose a composer and dive in, following the simple method outlined above. To help you get started, here is a list of some of our favorites. The list is in alphabetical order, not necessarily the order in which we think you should study these composers. Start with any one of them — and enjoy.

• Johann Sebastian Bach
• Ludwig von Beethoven
• Johannes Brahms
• Frederic Chopin
• Claude Debussy
• Antonin Dvorak
• Edvard Grieg
• George Frideric Handel
• Joseph Haydn
• Franz Liszt
• Felix Mendelssohn
• Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
• Franz Schubert
• Robert Schumann
• John Phillips Sousa
• Johann Strauss II
• Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
• Giuseppe Verdi
• Antonio Vivaldi
• Richard Wagner

Q: Should I focus on only classical composers?

A: You don’t have to. Classical music is a great place to start, but it’s not the ultimate standard. While many classical works are wonderful, I cannot give a blanket recommendation for all of classical music. The Bible must be our standard. When choosing music to listen to, consider these Biblical principles:

• God is not the author of confusion. Music that is constantly chaotic, dissonant, and confusing does not help us glorify God.
• Be aware of how the music makes you feel. Some pieces inspire our hearts to greatness and noble thoughts, while others stir up rebellious and selfish emotions.
• Avoid music that urges you to move in an immodest manner.
• Listen critically to lyrics. Make sure they don’t contradict Scripture and promote ungodly living.

This morning the girls and I started our day as we do most every day: breakfast together. Then towards the end of the meal, someone usually asks, “Whose turn is it for verses?” Today it was my second-oldest’s turn. We listened and stumbled our way through Hebrews 12:1 and 2; those are the verses we are currently working on memorizing. Then we recited together Romans 1:16, Lamentations 3:22-26, Luke 14:11, Genesis 1:1, and Psalm 46 — verses we have already learned. Tomorrow we’ll work on Hebrews 12:1 and 2 again and review other verses from our little index-card box.

It takes about five minutes per day, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Why? Glad you asked. Here are just a few reasons.

Reason 1: Memorizing Scripture as a family builds unity instead of competition. We all memorize the same passage, and we don’t move on to a new passage until all family members can recite the current one together. If one person memorizes faster than another, it doesn’t matter. In fact, the one who has already memorized the verses helps the others by reciting the verses clearly and correctly every day until the others have learned the Scripture as well. Hiding God’s Word in your heart in this way reinforces the messages contained in it: community, rather than competition; helping the weaker brother or sister, rather than leaving him or her in the dust; using your gifts to help others, rather than feeding personal pride.

Reason 2: Memorizing and reviewing Scripture as a family makes sure everyone retains all the verses, not just temporarily stores them in their short-term memory. The beauty of the system that will be detailed later in this e-letter is that every month you review every verse you’ve memorized. And isn’t that really the goal: to remember Scripture? A verse memorized and then forgotten doesn’t seem to measure up to the standard of hiding it in our hearts.

Reason 3: Memorizing Scripture as a family models the importance of hiding God’s Word in your heart at every age — adults included. I grow weary of adults who make excuses for themselves for not memorizing Scripture. Sure, it gets harder as you grow older, but so does getting out of bed in the morning! If we want our children to really comprehend the value of God’s Word, we must model that importance by putting forth the effort to continue learning it and, yes, memorizing it. What a testimony to God’s daily grace and priority in our lives as we focus our minds on His words even when it’s not easy!

Reason 4: Memorizing Scripture as a family emphasizes memorizing for the right reasons. God’s Word is of so much more value than to be tainted by bribing a child to memorize it for trinkets or treats! We memorize Scripture because it is more valuable than gold or silver and more desirable than sweets (Psalm 19:7-11). The simple system outlined below makes memorizing as a family a pleasant exercise, not at all cumbersome or dreary. No need for bribes; it is a natural part of family life.

Reason 5: When you memorize Scripture as a family, you can select verses as God directs for your family members, family mission, and family ministry. What a great opportunity to share how God is using His Word to speak to your heart as you explain how you came to select the next verses to be memorized!

The best part about all of this is that a simple Scripture Memory System makes family memorization easy and habit forming. Details are in the Resources section below. I encourage you as intentional parents to make family Scripture memory a priority in your home.

Q & A

Q: Shouldn’t I give my young children only short phrases to memorize?

A: Young children have much more capacity to memorize than people give them credit for. They are constantly listening and imitating. It’s been our experience that the younger children can usually memorize a passage quicker than we older people can. Don’t sell them short.

While we’re talking about young children, let me just mention that I usually didn’t have to force the youngest siblings to recite along with us. They joined in automatically as soon as they could because they wanted to be a part of this family activity. As of today, my youngest daughter, who has autism, still isn’t joining in and she just turned eight. But I’m trying to rest in the fact that she is hearing God’s Word every morning and He has promised that His Word will not return void but will accomplish His purposes (Isaiah 55:11). It’s getting into her heart and mind even if she is not saying the words aloud. So don’t worry about at exactly what age your child should begin reciting with you. Make this memorization time beneficial for you, and allow the children to join you as they are able. Don’t pressure them. They will benefit from hearing God’s Word every day whether they recite aloud or not.

Q: What verses or passages should we memorize?

A: Memorize any verses that God lays on your heart. Over the years we’ve focused on the verses and character trait definitions in A Child’s Book of Character Building; we’ve learned the Proverbs verses mentioned in Wisdom and the Millers; we’ve incorporated verses from special forty-day emphases at our church meetings; we’ve memorized psalms that I learned as a child; we’ve added verses that explain salvation, emphasize the deity of Christ, and encourage Christian living; we’ve also thrown in verses that relate to what we’re studying in school at the time, like the Ten Commandments; and we have a lot of verses from Peacemaker Ministries materials.

If you would like a list of verses to get you started, I’ve posted one at our sister site, Simply Charlotte Mason.

Our oldest daughter is learning to drive. This is our first time trying to convey the intricacies of defensive driving, navigating, targeting, and signaling along with the principles of momentum, speed, friction, and velocity all at the same time!

Because we want our daughter to learn how to operate a vehicle safely and with confidence, we are taking a two-pronged approach: teaching the concepts at home and practicing the concepts on the road. Imagine how ineffective our educating would be if we used only one of those two strategies. Just reading about and discussing the techniques of driving would not give her the training and experience she needs to make all those necessary actions and reactions automatically. But just sticking her behind the wheel and correcting every single thing she did wrong would only result in frustration and insecurity. She needs both — teaching and training — to understand what is best and to form the habit of doing it.

This two-pronged approach of teaching and training is needed in all phases of parenting, not just for driver education. We need to teach our children what we expect of them — based on what God expects of them, of course. Then we need to give them plenty of safe opportunities to practice doing what we taught until it becomes a habit.

When we started the driving lessons, we began in the driveway, then moved to an empty parking lot, and when she was ready, graduated to a quiet neighborhood. It’s the same for training our children in the habits of, say, immediate obedience or not interrupting. Start the training and practicing in a controlled environment and move up gradually. Don’t wait until you’re “in the middle of traffic.”

For example, let’s look at the habit of not interrupting. How would we take the two-pronged approach — teaching and training — with it? First, we would teach the child what we expect. So at a neutral time (not in the heat of an infraction or when the child is tired or hungry) we would kindly explain that we’ve noticed the child sometimes starts talking to Mommy when Mommy is already talking to or listening to someone else. “That’s called ‘interrupting.’ I want you to learn to wait your turn. So from now on I’m going to help you remember not to interrupt. When you want to tell me something, first use your eyes and ears to see if I’m already talking to or listening to someone else. If I am, gently lay your hand on my arm. That will be our little signal that you want to tell me something. I’ll put my finger up like this and hold it where you can see it so you’ll know that I felt your hand and I’ll get to you just as soon as I can. When it’s your turn to talk, I’ll turn my head and look at you. Now let’s practice.” (Thus, the transition into training.) Begin by role-playing that you’re talking to another person and have the child come up and gently lay his hand on your arm. Hold up your finger, say a couple of sentences more to your pretend partner, then turn and smile. “Yes, dear? Thank you for not interrupting. What did you want to tell me?”

Next practice the not-interrupting technique with a live partner, like your spouse, still in a planned situation within the “safety” of your home setting. Then expand the training to include spontaneous situations, like not interrupting when you’re talking to a sibling or when you’re talking on the phone. The training can then be extended to outside the home: at church or at Grandma’s house.

An additional way to make the training gradual is to keep the waiting time short at first by excusing yourself from the conversation for “just a moment.” As the child develops the habit, you can increase the wait time, but be careful not to frustrate. That’s one reason I keep my finger in the air as part of our signal: so I’ll remember that she’s waiting on me! (And trust me, this technique can be done with two children at once by using a finger on each hand!)

Do you see how both teaching and training worked together in our little example? If the child had the little instruction talk but no practice, he probably wouldn’t remember what to do next time he wanted to talk to Mom, let alone make the technique a habit. On the other hand, if the parent never gently taught the child that interrupting needed to be replaced with waiting his turn, both the child and the parent would get frustrated by frequent interruptions and continual verbal reprimands to wait “just a minute.”

If you are consistent to help your child practice this technique, he will soon develop the habit of not interrupting. Once this habit is firmly established you can move on to another one. And as Charlotte Mason said, “The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days; while she who lets their habits take care of themselves has a weary life of endless friction with the children.”

Teaching a child about good character traits is not the same as training him to make good character a habit. Teaching and training — learn how to do both. They will serve you well during the years to come, and you’ll need them sooner than you think for driver education!

Q & A

Q: My oldest daughter is getting pretty bossy with her siblings and friends when they play. How do I handle her telling everybody what to do?

A: First-born children are often born leaders and will naturally direct the playing of a group of friends. Her leadership, creative ideas, and sharing of those ideas are not the problem. You do not want to squelch those qualities. The problem is in her interpersonal communication skills. Help her develop those now.

Use this opportunity to teach her to ask nicely instead of dictate or demand, just like you’ve taught her to “ask nicely” when she wants you to do something or give her something. Teach her to ask her playmate in a kind voice, “Do you want to play in here?” or “Do you want me to comb your hair?” Teach her siblings and other playmates to answer yes or no “thank you.” Guide her to respect that decision graciously by modeling a bright, happy “OK, we can play something else” and redirecting to an alternate activity.

If her playmate is not verbal yet, you have a great chance to teach her how to read body language!

Use this situation as an opportunity to teach and train interpersonal skills.

Q: My child was potty-trained but has started soiling his underwear again. What do we do?

A: In my opinion, you have three options.

Option One: Make his using the toilet a battleground and spank him every time he refuses to use the toilet. Since you know he is capable of putting his potty in the toilet, you could make this an obedience issue.

However, it appears that he is trying to turn this situation into a power struggle. Don’t play that game. You cannot force him to put his potty in the toilet. He is using his compliance as a leverage to manipulate you. Take away his leverage by using Option Two.

Option Two: Make his using the toilet a non-issue. Put him back in diapers and clean him up like you did when he was a baby. Tell him matter-of-factly that it appears he’s not ready to use the toilet like a big boy, so he can wear diapers like a baby. Don’t make it sound like a punishment; it is simply a change based on his apparent state of readiness. When he is ready, he will start using the toilet again on his own. If he sees that it doesn’t matter to you whether he uses the toilet or not, it will cease to be a leverage for him.

Or, if you don’t want to make this issue a battleground and you don’t want to deal with diapers again, you could use incentives.

Option Three: Make a chart, get some stickers, and find a prize that will motivate him. Explain during a neutral time (not in the heat of a potty debate) that he will receive one sticker every time he puts his potty in the toilet. When he gets the required number of stickers, he will win the prize. Put the prize in a place that is visible yet out of reach, as a reminder. Set the number of stickers to require several days of compliance before the prize can be obtained; probably three or four days’ worth. However, be prepared; some kids catch on to the “game” and learn great control over their bladder so they can make smaller but more frequent deposits, thus earning more stickers! You’ll also need to have enough prizes to keep him motivated for several weeks until using the toilet becomes a habit.

If the incentive doesn’t motivate him, add a penalty. Explain that every time he puts his potty anywhere other than the toilet, you will take away a toy. Don’t be afraid to start with his favorites! Put the toy up out of reach but within sight. Tell him that once he puts his potty into the toilet, he will get the toy back.

It’s fun to watch the different ways our children approach money management. One child will spend freely in real life but hoard cash when participating in a game that involves play money. Another child is content to watch her cash balance grow over time; she’s in no hurry to spend, whether in real life or in a game. She’s not selfish; she’s just selective. Another child loves to spend her money on gifts for others.

Different personalities and different comfort levels are revealed in the different faces of our children, but all should be operating within the framework of the four main financial principles we have already talked about.

Financial Principles

1. Do not live beyond your income.
2. Plan ahead for upcoming expenses.
3. Impulsive buying can lead to problems.
4. Budgeting can help you handle your money wisely.

Our children need to learn to operate within these principles whether they are entrusted with thirty cents or thirty-thousand dollars. Let’s talk today about some practical ways to reinforce those principles as the children grow.

Budgeting Basics

Probably the easiest way to introduce budgeting is to use the give-save-spend approach. Teach the child from his first allowance to divide his money between those three categories.

If, as the child gets older, you notice that she is having trouble planning ahead, you could create two sub-categories called “save a little” and “save a lot.” The Save a Little category would be for short-term goals, like upcoming gifts or events. The Save a Lot category would become the long-term savings for future household or education expenses.

As the child masters the concept of dividing his income between categories and grows in his understanding of math, you can introduce percentages. Help the child calculate what percentage of his income he should allocate to each category. We like to break it down into ten percent for giving, twenty-five percent for saving, and sixty-five percent for spending. If you’re using the two sub-categories, the breakdown might be ten percent for giving, twenty-five percent for Save a Little, twenty-five percent for Save a Lot, and forty percent for spending.

Some families even teach their children about taxes by having a family fund that each child is required to contribute a certain percentage or amount toward. Those funds are then used for a project or event that benefits every member of the family. We, personally, don’t use this approach, but it’s an interesting concept.

Increasing Responsibility

As the child shows proficiency in handling the money he is given, you might consider increasing the amount given while also increasing the child’s responsibility. For example, you could give your child the responsibility to buy his own clothing. Simply increase his allowance the amount that you usually spend on his clothing, add a Clothing category to his budget, and go shopping with him until he learns how to spend clothes money wisely. From that point on, the financial principles take on even more meaning as he learns to plan ahead for still another necessity and, possibly, learns again the consequences of impulse buying.

Remember, if the child yields to impulsive buying, then discovers he doesn’t have enough money left for what he had planned or for an unexpected expense, don’t bail him out. Better that he learns this lesson now than when he has a family to support.

Near the end of your child’s training, as she nears adulthood, give her the assignment and responsibility to be the family bookkeeping for six months. She becomes responsible to pay all bills, handle all deposits, balance the checkbook, enter all credit card purchases from receipts, and any other financial activity that she would encounter as an adult in her own household. Of course, you will look over her shoulder for the first few months to demonstrate, encourage, and double check. This type of responsibility can give your child many adulthood advantages. She will

• practice keeping track of bills and paying them on time;
• appreciate the amount of money it takes to run a household;
• get a feel for how much various services and consumables cost; plus,
• learn more advanced features of the budgeting software.

Please don’t neglect this important home skill of teaching your children how to manage money. You can do it by modeling good financial stewardship yourself, helping them budget an allowance through the years, and increasing their responsibility as they consistently adhere to the four financial principles.

Q & A

Q: What should I do if my daughter doesn’t have enough money to buy a gift for someone?

A: A large part of the answer to this question depends on the reason she doesn’t have enough money. If it’s a matter of poor money management, don’t bail her out. Instead, offer some alternative ideas to help preserve her dignity yet stay within her means. For example, she could give a less-expensive handcrafted gift or give one or more certificates for services she could perform (like backrubs, cookie deliveries, dog-walking, house-cleaning, etc.).

If the reason she doesn’t have enough money is that she has handled her money wisely but simply is not receiving enough allowance to buy personal gifts, offer to go together on a family gift. She can contribute as much as she is able, and you will include her name on the card. Then have fun discussing what that family gift could be and shopping together.

Q: How do you have the right amount of cash for each child’s allowance each week?

A: When the children are young, we give them coins out of a pocket-change jar. Once they get old enough to understand addition and subtraction and basic computer skills, we use a software program to track their receiving, spending, and balance. So we don’t have to give them cash; they simply keep the accounts. Whenever a child makes a purchase, I pay for it and she makes a corresponding expense entry in her account. Whenever a child is supposed to receive an allowance or receives a gift of money, she makes the corresponding income entry in her account.

Two great advantages come with using financial software: (1) I don’t have to keep track of cash; and (2) the children are learning to use the same tool I use to track our family finances.

“What’s for supper?” You’ve probably heard that question several hundred (if not several thousand) times, and you’ve probably prepared at least that many meals. Think about how it would feel if your efforts were taken for granted and family members never commented on your meals except to complain when they didn’t like something.

It’s so easy to take good things for granted. And that oversight doesn’t happen just with cooking. With a spouse or with a child, we can easily slip into the habit of communicating only neutral or negative comments. We inform our spouses of our schedules, and we let them know when they forgot to take out the trash. We remind our children of what we expect, and we correct them when they don’t meet those expectations.

But we often forget the power of encouragement. How motivating it is when someone tells us, “You’re doing the right thing!” Somehow those encouraging words infuse us with energy and we’re eager to put forth more effort as we continue on that same path. It’s just like when we hear, “This is delicious!” after preparing a certain dish for supper; we’ll most likely cook it again — and happily!

When the children were young, I found it to be a fun personal challenge to be on the alert to “catch” them doing something right and tell them. I tried to give a smile and say things like “I’m glad you used a kind voice. Good job!” or “Thank you for obeying right away,” or just “Thank you for obeying.” It didn’t have to be a grand production. I wasn’t trying to “make them feel good about themselves”; I just wanted to reinforce a positive action or attitude so they would want to do it again . . . and again . . . and hopefully, it would eventually become a habit. (Come to think of it, why should we “catch” only our younger children doing something right? All ages like encouragement!)

And somehow that attitude of watching for something good and that action of voicing my thanks helped me too. I found myself developing more of a positive attitude toward my children. Yes, I still had to correct them, but I no longer felt like that was all I did all day long. I began to notice a thankful spirit rising up within me — and my children. They began to voice thankfulness too, and complaining seemed more out of place than ever. Along with consciously reinforcing the habit of obedience (or whatever I thanked them for), I was unconsciously also developing the habit of thankfulness within them.

Another way we put this principle of encouragement into practice was with a character chart. When the children were small and we were learning the character traits in A Child’s Book of Character Building, I made a chart of the different traits we had learned and put every family member’s name on the chart, including parents. I then explained to the children that the objective was to catch somebody else in the family exhibiting one of those good character traits. When that happened, we put a little sticker or mark beside that person’s name under that character trait. At the end of the week we counted up the marks and kept track of the total family’s effort. Then a new chart was posted for the next week. When the family reached a certain number of marks, we celebrated. One time we all got double dessert; another time we went on a family outing to an ice cream shop.

A simple idea, but a little encouragement can go a long way. I’m not advocating that you never correct or inform; I’m just reminding you to mix in a large helping of grateful encouragement whenever you can.

Thanks for caring enough about your family to be an intentional parent!

Q & A

Q: I told my two-year-old to pick up a toy in the middle of the room, and he’s been screaming for the last five or ten minutes. What do I do? He is capable of obeying; he’s done the task before.

A: The way I see it, you have basically two options:

1. Determine that this is going to be “a hill that you are willing to die on.” Lovingly dig your heels in and say to yourself, “We are not moving from this room until my child obeys me; no matter how long it takes.” Sit in the room matter-of-factly, not paying attention to the tantrum, waiting for the child to obey. If the child tries to leave or do something else, you matter-of-factly, kindly but firmly, put the child back in front of the toy and say (in a kind but firm voice), “Put away the toy.” Be prepared to “do battle” consistently for at least an hour. Hopefully, it won’t take that long, but be prepared to persevere. Once the child decides to obey and puts the toy away, praise and hug him. Then move on to something else.This option works when you don’t have an important engagement to go to. If you do have a time deadline (and you must determine in your heart whether that appointment is more important than seizing this opportunity to train your child in obedience), see option 2.
2. Gently, but firmly, take the child physically and “help” him do the task that you’ve told him to do. Pick him up and move him to the toy, extend his arm to reach it, bend his fingers inside your hand to grasp the toy, carry him to the shelf, and “help” him place it where it belongs. Look at him and say something like, “When Mommy tells you to put away your toy, you put away the toy.” Then move on to something else. I would not recommend the second option as the rule; rather it should be the exception when pressed for time.

Q: We struggle with our two-year-old son obeying us in public settings. For example, this morning at the post office, he began pushing the baby’s stroller. I told him to stop and to come here; he totally ignored me. I said it to him two or three times and then finally had to get his hands and pull him to me. (He came without a struggle.) What is going on and how do we correct it?

A: My best guess is that he’s acting like all two-year-olds I’ve known. At that age they test and push against the boundaries to see whether the boundaries will move or change. They become little scientists, trying their experiment over and over with only slight variables: how about when it’s raining? how about when it’s raining and thundering? how about when we go to the grocery store? how about when we go to the grocery store and my sister is fussing? how about when we go to the grocery store and my sister is fussing and my mommy is looking at her list? how about when we go to the grocery store and my sister is fussing and my mommy is looking at her watch? You get the idea.

As to how to correct it: stand firm. The sooner he sees no crack in the armor, the sooner he will settle in secure again within his boundaries. The moment he sees a teensy weensy movement or shift in his boundary, the more that variable will feed his little scientific experiment and he’ll want to test and retest that theory to double check his findings. You will need God’s creativity along with His grace and strength to persevere. Pray for His creativity. You will need to think of ways to enforce your boundaries in public without bringing suspicions and ignorant accusations against you from onlookers. You were right to physically “help” him obey. Next time, say it only once, wait a reasonable, heart-known amount of time to watch for compliance, then physically direct him to obey.

One strategy I used with my kids when they were testing the limits was positive reminders. Whenever we would go somewhere out of our house, I would briefly and positively remind them of what I expected from them at that location. For example, when we pulled into the Wal-mart parking lot, I would turn off the car, turn around in my seat, and smile and say, “Now when we go into Wal-mart I expect you to stay beside the cart and not touch anything unless we buy it. Do you understand?” They responded in the affirmative and I would say, “OK, let’s go!” All stated in the positive so it’s not a threat and not a bribe; it’s a gentle reminder that I expect them to behave properly. I usually did not add “and if you don’t . . .” because I didn’t want to even plant that seed in their heads that I was in any way expecting them not to obey.

This testing of the limits is not happening because of a lapse in your parenting to date; it is a natural process in their development. You will be observing and adjusting to “natural” tendencies all his life, even as you seek to direct him to “supernatural” tendencies instead. Take courage and be lovingly stubborn!