I especially like her word picture of training our children to cling to Jesus as a vine is trained to cling to a stake or pillar as it grows. Great illustration in the chapter “Train up a Child”! It’s so helpful to think in terms of binding our children to Jesus and trimming away anything that may hinder their growth in the right direction.

Other chapters remind us of our job to teach them diligently the things of the Lord, to be careful that we hold ourselves to the same standard of holiness that we hold up to our children, and to be cautious of allowing the enemy’s lies to gain any foothold in our own thinking or our little ones’.

Tricia reminds us of the important place that Scripture should have in our homes and in our teaching. And she emphasizes the roles that mothers and fathers have been given to fulfill, including a chapter on discipline.

Each chapter ends with helpful, practical tips for living out the principles in everyday life, plus a heartfelt prayer.

Tricia has packed a lot of truth and wisdom into about 100 pages. If you’re looking to recharge your parenting batteries, grab a copy of Intentional Parenting: His Word, Our Actions, Eternal Rewards by Tricia Simmons.

What’s even more daunting is to think that we’re not done yet. That list must continue into the future because we have three more children to go.

So how did we do it? And how can we continue to do it in the future? And how can you do it? Here’s a key concept: one at a time. Not everything at once. One at a time.

New Ideas

The ideas posted at Intentional Parents were collected and created one at a time over many years. We discovered a new idea, mulled it over, and gave it a try. If it worked well, we hung onto it and told others about it. Then in a little while we discovered another idea and added it to the mix. We didn’t do everything at once right from the beginning.

Maybe you like the idea of the Scripture Memory System, and the idea of the three levels of Bible study, plus the idea of encouraging creativity, oh! and the ideas of looking at great pictures and listening to great music and making music together as a family. And don’t forget the hobby notebooks and . . . .

If you try to start all of that tomorrow, you and your children will become overwhelmed very quickly. Take a lesson from the plate-spinner.

Have you ever seen a plate-spinner? He gets one plate spinning smoothly before he turns his attention to the next plate. Then he just keeps an eye on the plates already spinning while he adds another one to the mix.

When you discover new ideas, take them one at a time. Don’t try to implement them all at once. Get one in place, smoothly operating, then turn your attention to the next one.

New Habits

The same principle applies to forming new habits — whether in yourself or in your children. Sometimes it can seem overwhelming to think about all the good habits we as parents don’t have established yet in our own lives. How can we ever instill them in our children’s lives?

One at a time.

Pray and ask the Lord which habit He wants to cultivate in your life right now. Focus on that one habit until it is firmly in place (probably about six to eight weeks) then move to the next one.

Do the same for your children. Don’t pepper them with five new habits that you want them to start doing right now. Choose one to begin with and give it your full attention for six to eight weeks. Once it is in place, keep an eye on it, but move on to the next habit.

Each Day

Many times over the past eighteen years I remember thinking, “How am I ever going to be able to . . . ?” Fill in the blank. Most times I was worrying about something that was weeks away, or even years away. I was borrowing trouble from the future.

Borrowing trouble from the future leads only to stress and fatigue today. God has promised to give us strength for each day. He doesn’t want us to try to carry the demands and burdens of the next ten years (or even ten days) today.

Take each day one at a time.

Yes, think about the future and make prayerful, wise plans. But don’t allow yourself to get caught in the trap of worrying over the future. God’s grace will meet you at just the time you need it. Rest in that fact.

And remember that life has seasons. Some of you are in the season of life that is filled with diapers, interrupted nights, mounds of laundry, and constant messes. That is a season; take it one day at a time.

Some of you are in the season of life that contains potty training, perpetual motion, and constant conflict resolution. That, too, is a season; take it one day at a time. Things will change.

Some of you are in a season of doctor appointments, limitations, and uncertainty.

Some are in a season of prosperity, joy, and health.

Whatever season you are in now, take the days one at a time. Seasons change. God remains. Don’t borrow trouble from the future.

What do you need to take one at a time: new ideas, new habits, each day? Leave a comment and let us encourage one another — one at a time.

Mom’s Reply: “Dear [Daughter], I’m proud of the way you are growing up. I hope you never lose your desire to do what is right. You are a good big sister and a wonderful daughter.”

Mom’s Entry, January 1: “Dear [Daughter], Thanks so much for the lovely New Year’s Day party. It was a very thoughtful thing to do. I hope you had fun planning it! I’m glad that you didn’t get mad about the fan. You showed me how much you are growing up inside by keeping a good attitude and coming up with a new idea for your decorations. (I especially liked the confetti!) Have a wonderful year!”

Daughter’s Reply: “Dear Mom, I had fun making New Year’s Day special. It was fun to have more than one snack, was it not?”

And so the journal goes. Nothing earth shattering or profound. Just a few entries over the next months. But those entries represent a special pipeline to my daughter’s heart in the midst of all the activity and divided attention that comes with having several children — four girls, in our family.

Oh, how we need to keep our children’s hearts! Here are just a couple of practical ideas that I have implemented over the years to try to strengthen that mother-daughter bond.

Mother-Daughter Journals

As each girl turns seven, I give her a pretty little journal and explain that this is a mother-daughter journal. Any time she wants to tell me something or has a question she wants to ask me, she can write it in this journal and leave it on my pillow or on my desk for me to see. I will write a reply and put it back on her pillow or some other place where she will find it.

These journals give the girls and me a private means of communication that isn’t always available in a household of many. The journals aren’t on any set schedule. We use them when we think of it. But we always know they are there if we need them.

In looking back over one of the journals (the one quoted above), I noticed that often I initiated the entry as a means of encouraging the daughter in some attitude or character trait; she didn’t always start the conversation. And I also noticed that some of her questions didn’t have written responses. Those are the questions that required some discussion in person, not a quick answer in ink.

The final entry in the journal is an explanation that we were about to begin having Girls’ Nights. Once we started that tradition, we didn’t seem to need the journal anymore.

Girls’ Nights

We start Girls’ Nights as each daughter reaches ten years old. One night a week we meet together, just Mom and daughter. It is a time to be alone and give undivided attention. Sometimes we read a book of my own choosing, sometimes one that she wants to read. Sometimes we go out for ice cream or watch a video. Sometimes we work on a special project together.

When we’re crunched for time, we spend thirty minutes together; other evenings we might spend two hours. The activity isn’t as important as the time together. Questions can be asked in private, and specific encouragement doled out. Physical and emotional changes can be discussed candidly, and future hopes and dreams can be shared.

I’m sure there are other great ideas that families have used, but these two have worked well for our schedules and lifestyle. One-on-one time. Don’t rely on a half-hour a week to keep your heart knit together with your daughter’s. Obviously, we need to be cultivating that relationship throughout every day. But there’s no substitute for one-on-one time to give a sense of having a special place in Mom’s heart.

Q & A

Q: How can I adapt your “Just Between Us Girls” ideas for my sons?

A: You could encourage your husband to have boys’ nights or camping trips or other times for just father and son to be together. And please do all you can to make that event easy for your husband to keep. Don’t pester him, but do try to smooth the way by eliminating as many potential obstacles as possible.

You might do a mother-son breakfast once a month and cook a great big breakfast of his favorite foods or take him to his favorite restaurant and sit in an out-of-the-way booth that will encourage talking.

Sally Clarkson talks about taking time to sit with her son in his room before bedtime and listen. One son just seemed to open up at that time of day.

I hope these possibilities help generate some great ideas that will work well for your family and your situation.

Q: How long do you continue the girls’ nights?

A: As long as the child wants to. As of the writing of this e-letter, my oldest is sixteen. We aren’t keeping to a rigid weekly schedule during this season, but we still enjoy spending frequent Girls’ Nights together. My ten-year-old just started entering into the tradition, so we’re careful to keep our weekly appointments as we get our one-on-one times established.

Be flexible. The goal is to get to know your child, and part of that relationship is learning what she likes and doesn’t like as she grows and develops. Preferences change through the years, so be ready to respect those changes. The main point is to keep your child’s heart by whatever means works best for you two.

Because we want our daughter to learn how to operate a vehicle safely and with confidence, we are taking a two-pronged approach: teaching the concepts at home and practicing the concepts on the road. Imagine how ineffective our educating would be if we used only one of those two strategies. Just reading about and discussing the techniques of driving would not give her the training and experience she needs to make all those necessary actions and reactions automatically. But just sticking her behind the wheel and correcting every single thing she did wrong would only result in frustration and insecurity. She needs both — teaching and training — to understand what is best and to form the habit of doing it.

This two-pronged approach of teaching and training is needed in all phases of parenting, not just for driver education. We need to teach our children what we expect of them — based on what God expects of them, of course. Then we need to give them plenty of safe opportunities to practice doing what we taught until it becomes a habit.

When we started the driving lessons, we began in the driveway, then moved to an empty parking lot, and when she was ready, graduated to a quiet neighborhood. It’s the same for training our children in the habits of, say, immediate obedience or not interrupting. Start the training and practicing in a controlled environment and move up gradually. Don’t wait until you’re “in the middle of traffic.”

For example, let’s look at the habit of not interrupting. How would we take the two-pronged approach — teaching and training — with it? First, we would teach the child what we expect. So at a neutral time (not in the heat of an infraction or when the child is tired or hungry) we would kindly explain that we’ve noticed the child sometimes starts talking to Mommy when Mommy is already talking to or listening to someone else. “That’s called ‘interrupting.’ I want you to learn to wait your turn. So from now on I’m going to help you remember not to interrupt. When you want to tell me something, first use your eyes and ears to see if I’m already talking to or listening to someone else. If I am, gently lay your hand on my arm. That will be our little signal that you want to tell me something. I’ll put my finger up like this and hold it where you can see it so you’ll know that I felt your hand and I’ll get to you just as soon as I can. When it’s your turn to talk, I’ll turn my head and look at you. Now let’s practice.” (Thus, the transition into training.) Begin by role-playing that you’re talking to another person and have the child come up and gently lay his hand on your arm. Hold up your finger, say a couple of sentences more to your pretend partner, then turn and smile. “Yes, dear? Thank you for not interrupting. What did you want to tell me?”

Next practice the not-interrupting technique with a live partner, like your spouse, still in a planned situation within the “safety” of your home setting. Then expand the training to include spontaneous situations, like not interrupting when you’re talking to a sibling or when you’re talking on the phone. The training can then be extended to outside the home: at church or at Grandma’s house.

An additional way to make the training gradual is to keep the waiting time short at first by excusing yourself from the conversation for “just a moment.” As the child develops the habit, you can increase the wait time, but be careful not to frustrate. That’s one reason I keep my finger in the air as part of our signal: so I’ll remember that she’s waiting on me! (And trust me, this technique can be done with two children at once by using a finger on each hand!)

Do you see how both teaching and training worked together in our little example? If the child had the little instruction talk but no practice, he probably wouldn’t remember what to do next time he wanted to talk to Mom, let alone make the technique a habit. On the other hand, if the parent never gently taught the child that interrupting needed to be replaced with waiting his turn, both the child and the parent would get frustrated by frequent interruptions and continual verbal reprimands to wait “just a minute.”

If you are consistent to help your child practice this technique, he will soon develop the habit of not interrupting. Once this habit is firmly established you can move on to another one. And as Charlotte Mason said, “The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days; while she who lets their habits take care of themselves has a weary life of endless friction with the children.”

Teaching a child about good character traits is not the same as training him to make good character a habit. Teaching and training — learn how to do both. They will serve you well during the years to come, and you’ll need them sooner than you think for driver education!

Q & A

Q: My oldest daughter is getting pretty bossy with her siblings and friends when they play. How do I handle her telling everybody what to do?

A: First-born children are often born leaders and will naturally direct the playing of a group of friends. Her leadership, creative ideas, and sharing of those ideas are not the problem. You do not want to squelch those qualities. The problem is in her interpersonal communication skills. Help her develop those now.

Use this opportunity to teach her to ask nicely instead of dictate or demand, just like you’ve taught her to “ask nicely” when she wants you to do something or give her something. Teach her to ask her playmate in a kind voice, “Do you want to play in here?” or “Do you want me to comb your hair?” Teach her siblings and other playmates to answer yes or no “thank you.” Guide her to respect that decision graciously by modeling a bright, happy “OK, we can play something else” and redirecting to an alternate activity.

If her playmate is not verbal yet, you have a great chance to teach her how to read body language!

Use this situation as an opportunity to teach and train interpersonal skills.

Q: My child was potty-trained but has started soiling his underwear again. What do we do?

A: In my opinion, you have three options.

Option One: Make his using the toilet a battleground and spank him every time he refuses to use the toilet. Since you know he is capable of putting his potty in the toilet, you could make this an obedience issue.

However, it appears that he is trying to turn this situation into a power struggle. Don’t play that game. You cannot force him to put his potty in the toilet. He is using his compliance as a leverage to manipulate you. Take away his leverage by using Option Two.

Option Two: Make his using the toilet a non-issue. Put him back in diapers and clean him up like you did when he was a baby. Tell him matter-of-factly that it appears he’s not ready to use the toilet like a big boy, so he can wear diapers like a baby. Don’t make it sound like a punishment; it is simply a change based on his apparent state of readiness. When he is ready, he will start using the toilet again on his own. If he sees that it doesn’t matter to you whether he uses the toilet or not, it will cease to be a leverage for him.

Or, if you don’t want to make this issue a battleground and you don’t want to deal with diapers again, you could use incentives.

Option Three: Make a chart, get some stickers, and find a prize that will motivate him. Explain during a neutral time (not in the heat of a potty debate) that he will receive one sticker every time he puts his potty in the toilet. When he gets the required number of stickers, he will win the prize. Put the prize in a place that is visible yet out of reach, as a reminder. Set the number of stickers to require several days of compliance before the prize can be obtained; probably three or four days’ worth. However, be prepared; some kids catch on to the “game” and learn great control over their bladder so they can make smaller but more frequent deposits, thus earning more stickers! You’ll also need to have enough prizes to keep him motivated for several weeks until using the toilet becomes a habit.

If the incentive doesn’t motivate him, add a penalty. Explain that every time he puts his potty anywhere other than the toilet, you will take away a toy. Don’t be afraid to start with his favorites! Put the toy up out of reach but within sight. Tell him that once he puts his potty into the toilet, he will get the toy back.

Now, to some of us, those statements are just pithy sayings. We may have heard them, but they didn’t necessarily change our lives. A saying becomes a motto only when you adopt it and live by it.

I remember making up some original mottoes for our family during these childrearing years: “Early bedtimes are for parents”; “Sisters are the best kind of friends”; “Fussing gets you nothing”; “Things go better with Coke” (wait a minute, that one isn’t original!).

Charlotte Mason had a great motto about education that I like to apply to our homeschooling. But I think it also applies to discipleship. She said, “Education is an atmosphere, a discipline, a life.” It seems like those three areas summarize discipleship quite well: Discipleship is an atmosphere, a discipline, a life.

Atmosphere

Though sometimes we hate to admit it, the saying often proves true, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” We parents, and especially mothers, are at the center of our family circles. We set the pace for the environment in the home. So the first crucial area of discipleship is making sure we are walking closely to the Heavenly Father. As we practice the presence of God and walk in His Spirit throughout the events of each day, we create an atmosphere conducive to discipleship.

Discipline

But simply setting the example and creating the atmosphere isn’t enough; our children need to be grounded in the Word. Bible study is not all there is to discipleship, but Bible study is an important part of discipleship. We must get our children into the Word and the Word into our children. Without this area of discipleship, our children will be tossed to and fro with every wind of false teaching.

The two main methods that I use for this area of discipleship are Bible reading/study and Scripture memory. We’ve already talked about the three levels of Bible reading/study: Great Stories, Guided Studies, Independent Studies. And we’ll talk more in-depth about the Independent Studies Level next month. The main point of all those levels is: make sure your children are in the Word.

The way to get the Word into your children is by Scripture memory. Scripture memory is important for all members of the family — not just the children. Memorizing God’s Word together can build great bonds between family members even as it strengthens them spiritually. Please don’t give your children the impression that memorizing verses is a trick they perform for treats or trinkets. Hiding God’s Word in our hearts should be a lifelong privilege and habit.

A few years ago we found a great little system to help with this aspect of discipleship. Using this easy system, we’ve been able to memorize (and remember!) hundreds of Bible verses together. In fact, we review all the verses we know every month, and it takes only five or ten minutes a day. Feel free to visit our other site, SimplyCharlotteMason.com to see the details of this easy and effective Scripture Memory System our family uses to get the Word into our children. Of course, you don’t have to use the same system, but do make sure you are intentional about this discipline of Scripture memory.

Life

Discipleship is an atmosphere, a discipline, and a life. Discipleship should be living — a way of life. As you are walking closely to your Heavenly Father, keep your children beside you and verbalize how you see your Father at work each day. Part of creating the atmosphere is seeing God in the events that happen, but making discipleship a way of life requires talking with your children about those things you see.

Of all people, Jesus certainly saw God’s hand at work in all the events that happened around Him. He didn’t need to talk about God’s working for His own benefit. But He was very careful to verbalize the ways that He saw God’s hand at work for His disciples’ benefit.

As you talk about the Lord’s faithful engineering of all that happens to your family members in the events of the day, your children will begin to think along those lines too. Seeing God in every situation will become a way of life.

Discipleship is an atmosphere, a discipline, a life. As you seek to disciple your children, cling to Colossians 1:28 and 29: “Him [Jesus Christ] we proclaim, warning [our children] and teaching [our children] with all wisdom, that we may present [our children] mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me” (ESV, adapted). Ultimately, discipleship is the work of the Holy Spirit in our children’s hearts. Yes, we should be faithful to create the atmosphere, encourage the discipline, and live the life, but we must depend on His energy that powerfully works within us. It’s not about us; it’s all about God. And as we learn to recognize and respond to the Spirit’s promptings in our hearts, we, ourselves, will go deeper as followers — disciples — of Christ.

Q & A

Q: With three preschoolers, I’m struggling to find time for personal Bible reading and prayer. And when I do have time, I’m so tired that I can’t comprehend more than a couple of verses. I feel like a spiritual failure. Did you ever feel like this?

A: I remember the years with only preschoolers at home as being one of the driest times in my spiritual life. I basically went into survival mode and felt good if I didn’t backslide. My nourishment came in spurts, not a steady flow, and not big spurts — just enough to keep me going. And eventually, it did get better. I remember it not as a time of deep Bible study, but of desperately searching for nuggets of encouragement and wisdom. Maybe the reason those nuggets came in little spurts is because my tired brain couldn’t handle much more at a time. I remember someone telling me that she believed God gives extra grace to young mothers, and I sure needed it!

It will get better! This is only a season. Don’t be hard on yourself. Remember that Jesus said His yoke is easy — not hard, harsh, sharp, or oppressive. If you’re feeling a burden of a heavy yoke that seems to be hard, it’s someone else’s yoke; it didn’t come from the One Who tenderly carries those who are with young. Rest in Him. Your heart is still turned toward Him even if your body and brain are lagging behind these days. He understands totally. He knows your body better than you do, and He knows what’s going on with it. He knows our frame and remembers that we are dust. He is there to help you, not beat you over the head. Rest. He does not condemn you; He carries you.

Q: Why do you always have your girls with you?

A: While I may fall short of “always,” I do try to keep them by my side as much as possible. Walking through life together is simply the best way to follow Jesus’ method of making disciples. Here is a quick list of just a few reasons my girls stay with me:

• As we live through lots of situations together, I can seize teachable moments and apply Scripture on the spot — when they’re eager for the answers and able to make immediate application.
• They see my true character because I’m with them all day. (And I see theirs.)
• They hear my beliefs and counsel to others. What a tragedy if I should disciple other young ladies, yet fail to communicate those same principles to my own daughters!
• My presence can deter inappropriate comments and actions from peers or predators.
• They observe how I interact with others in various situations, even those I don’t agree with. And at an appropriate time, I can debrief the girls and hear their hearts on the matter or point out error and reinforce the truth.
• Sharing in my adult life activities removes some of the fear of the unknown and prepares them for adulthood.
• Our relationships are strengthened as we share the same events.

In short, what better way is there to teach and protect the girls’ spirits than by following Deuteronomy 6:6 and 7 and walking through life together?

Now, that being said, two points deserve mentioning: (1) Some activities I do alone or with just my husband or a friend; and (2) This arrangement of keeping the girls by my side works only because we have put forth the effort in training them so they are not a distraction but a joy to be around.

While waiting for the potatoes to cook, I received a phone call from a middle-aged friend with a prayer request. So I gathered the children together, explained the situation that our friend was facing, and we prayed together.

Before heading off to deliver the food, I checked my e-mail. There was a message from another friend: a parent of some teen-age children. She wanted to set up a date to get all our children together and go for a walk.

Did you notice how many ages were involved in the day’s events described above? Friends from as young as newborns to as old as grandparents. That’s inter-generational living. “Inter-generational” means that the generations are intermixed, living life together, not separated according to age.

For some reason, our culture assumes that children must be herded into age groups, isolated with others just their age for most of their time every day. But I don’t see age segregation in the Bible. I see family members living and learning together, helping each other and interacting with other families; I see grandparents and older adults coming alongside younger parents and letting them benefit from their wisdom; I see Jesus teaching all ages in one group; I see parents discipling their children by spending lots of time with them. And I don’t think those inter-generational situations occurred simply by chance. God has a reason for combining the age groups throughout life. Let’s talk a little about the benefits of surrounding your children with people of all ages.

1. Inter-generational living increases opportunities for discipleship.

   God designed the family to be inter-generational — and for good reason. His plan of discipleship involves younger and older interacting in the daily circumstances of life, learning together how to follow the Lord more closely. As the older live with and teach the younger in everyday situations, they can more easily reach the heart, not just the mind.

   Inter-generational living gives the child more time with wise, godly older people. Proverbs 12:19 presents the truth, “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise; but the companion of fools shall be destroyed.” Now, I don’t know your child’s friends, but I wouldn’t consider many children to be wise. Why then does our society keep children with other children? Our children need to walk with wise people in order to become wise. They need to spend a lot of life with wiser, more mature people, not with their peers.

   Another aspect of the beauty of God’s plan for inter-generational discipleship is that when a child is surrounded by both older and younger, he learns how God’s plan works and he catches a vision of his role in that plan. You see, it works both ways: a believer who lives inter-generationally will always have someone older to learn from and someone younger to teach. As the child walks with wiser, older people, he also realizes that the younger kids consider him to be older and wiser. He learns that it matters what he does; he is not an island unto himself.

2. Avoiding age-segregated classes and activities protects your child’s heart.

   Let’s face it: children can be downright mean to each other. Children who spend a lot of time in an age-isolated group tend to set up foolish standards that breed comparison and competition. Yet Scripture tells us explicitly not to compare ourselves with others (2 Corinthians 10:12) and to help each other, not try to beat each other (Philippians 2:2-4).

   Proverbs 22:15 explains that “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child,” and it seems that most of this foolishness surfaces when parents aren’t around and several children are left to their own devices with minimal adult supervision. Keeping the ages integrated and your children by your side checks this potentially crushing situation and protects your child’s heart from those wounding words and attitudes. Sure, someone may still say something that hurts your child’s feelings, but when that happens you are there to experience it along with your child and to help him deal with it in a gracious, loving manner (a discipleship opportunity again).

   (Of course, this principle assumes that you are training your children to treat their siblings with kindness and Christian love. Wounding words and attitudes can fly between siblings too. Please make sure that Christian living begins in the home. Rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t allow your child to say or do something to a guest, don’t allow him to say or do it to a sibling. Scripture holds up “brotherly love” as a model to follow, not an exception.)

3. Inter-generational living broadens your child’s horizons.

   Age segregation robs a child of many meaningful, beneficial, and Biblical relationships. Children who are isolated by age tend to develop a disdain for any other age group. But those who regularly interact with all ages realize that everyone has value, no matter how old. They can more easily be taught to protect the younger and respect the older.

   As your children spend time with those younger than they are, they learn to nurture and care for babies and toddlers; they learn to help the parents of those babies and toddlers as they are able; they see and hear firsthand what goes into caring for a baby; they realize the importance of discipline and obedience in children; they experience the thrill of each developmental milestone; and they develop the characteristic of patience as they help and protect those little ones.

   As they spend time with people older than they are, your children learn to carry on intelligent conversations with adults; they learn from a variety of people with a variety of hobbies and interests; they benefit from large amounts of time together that give opportunities for everyday discipleship; they keep the elderly engaged in life, and give them meaningful relationships that preserve their dignity and give them a reason to get out of bed in the morning; the children learn to care for and respect the older; they see firsthand the cycle of life and how bodies can change; and they learn to be considerate of others’ limitations. They also learn history firsthand as the elder recounts stories of his life.

   So many of these wonderful relationships are missed or stunted because of busy, age-segregated activities dominating a child’s schedule. Relationships thrive on shared experiences and time spent together. Clear your child’s calendar and broaden his horizons through real people of all ages.

4. Inter-generational living provides frequent opportunities for relevant ministry and service.

   The majority of ministry happens in everyday life situations, not just a couple of hours a week at the church building. Inter-generational living provides many opportunities for real service. Your children will see real needs around them firsthand because they regularly spend the time to listen, watch, and help real people.

   They notice when an elderly friend needs help with yard work, and they don’t think twice about raking that person’s yard that week. They hear the discouraged young mom’s voice telling how she’s so tired that she hasn’t been able to unpack all the boxes from the move into their new house, and they immediately ask which day would work best for them to come play with the toddlers and help unpack. They pick up an extra brick of suet to give to another mom because they know she loves birds but money has been tight recently. These acts of service come naturally because these people are our family’s friends and thus, our children’s friends. With such a wide range of friends comes a wide range of service opportunities!

   Inter-generational living is God’s design for discipleship, protection, learning, and ministry. Minimize the amount of time your child is in age-segregated activities. Look around you and intentionally develop friendships with people of all age groups. Surround your child with a wide range of ages, and watch that child flourish.

Q & A

Q: What are some ways you seek to live inter-generationally?

A: Good question. Well, we try to keep our children in age-integrated situations as much as possible. They spend their days among their siblings of various ages and with us, their parents, as we homeschool. We’re thankful that their grandparents will be moving to our area this summer; soon they will be able to interact with them just about every day. We stay together as a household for Bible studies and worship at our church, and gather with other age-integrated families weekly to talk about how God is working in our lives and to pray all together. We belong to a homeschool group that includes children of many ages and their parents in our activities. Basically, the children stay by our side as we interact with the people of various ages whom God brings into our lives.

Q: By keeping your children by your side, aren’t you sheltering them from the real world?

A: If you think about it, real life is full of interaction with people of many ages. Neighborhoods, work places, grocery stores, holiday gatherings, shopping malls, banks, and interstate highways (to name a few) are filled with people of all ages. Age segregation is really the artificial environment. At what other time in life is a person isolated with only those his own age? No, my children live in the real world every day as they walk by my side.

2:30 – Get the cavatelli put together and in the oven with the delayed start turned on.

3:00 to 5:30 – The new employee from hubby’s store shows up for five hours of training.

5:30 – Cavatelli should be done so we can eat and get everything cleaned up during the one-hour break in training.

6:30 to 9:00 – Finish the last half of the training.

9:00 to ? – Plan school work for tomorrow and reconcile the bank statements.

Jodi shut off the faucet, put the pot of water on the stove, and cranked on the burner. Restlessly she thought, “No sense standing around here for fifteen minutes waiting for the water to boil. I’ll just grab a couple of minutes on the computer to add a paragraph or two to my next e-letter.”

Twenty-five minutes later Jodi’s daughter stuck her head in the office door and asked, “Mom, do you know anything about a pot of water on the stove? It’s been boiling for quite a while now.”

Jodi’s heart skipped a beat. The water! She dashed to the kitchen and lifted the lid to find that a good two inches had evaporated.

“Thanks, Karen, for letting me know,” Jodi told her daughter, adding more water to the pot. “I meant to stay at the computer for only a couple of minutes but lost track of time. I was working on the next e-letter.”

“No problem, Mom,” Karen answered, smiling. “So what’s the e-letter about?”

Jodi started to laugh. “Margin,” she replied.

You know what a margin is. It’s the space you leave around the edges of your paper when you’re writing or typing. The margin makes the page more readable and the process of reading more pleasant. It keeps the reader from being overwhelmed by a sea of words that spans edge to edge and top to bottom.

The same concept applies to your life. Margin is the space you leave around the events in your life. That space must be allotted purposely in order to prevent your being maxed out physically, emotionally, and mentally. In other words, schedule extra time into your day in between commitments. Leave yourself some margin.

If you need to take the children to a 10:00 appointment and it takes twenty minutes to get there, add ten minutes to get everybody ready and ten more minutes to get them all into the van. Let’s see, that would mean that you start getting ready at 9:20. Make it 9:15 for a little more margin.

Those extra ten minutes of getting ready allow for last-minute bathroom trips, diaper changes, lost shoes, and decisions about which toys to bring along for the ride. The extra ten minutes to get everybody into the van allows for those little discoveries that children make on the way: the ladybug, the ant trail, the neighbor’s dog that is passing by on the sidewalk. Without that extra time margin, you’ll be rushing and hurrying and frantically riding roughshod over the children. In fact, you’ll be more prone to react instead of to act intentionally.

Apply the same principle to getting supper ready. Allow yourself a nice extra margin of time so you’ll be able to respond appropriately to those interruptions that will inevitably come. When you’re frenzied and pressured, it’s easy to try to ignore conflicts between the children instead of recognizing and using those situations as teachable moments. Extra time releases you to put down the potato peeler and go help the two children learn how to share.

Here are just a few ways that margin can help you to be an intentional parent.

• Margin reduces stress and makes it easier not to parent by a default or survival mentality. Let’s face it, when you’re pressed for time and stressed out, it’s so easy to throw the kids in front of a video or to employ bribes or threats in order to get immediate action.
• Margin allows time for teachable moments. You want to “strike when the iron is hot,” that is, when the child has a pressing question and is motivated to find the answer — whether that question is about flowers, tying shoes, life after death, or vitamins. One of the biggest reasons that parents don’t look for good books for their children, or help their children learn to resolve conflicts Biblically, or teach their children home skills is because both the children and the parents are too busy. They have scheduled too many events and not enough margin.
• Margin makes it easier to “be Jesus” to your children. You have more time to consider how to respond the way Jesus would in the various situations that occur. Somehow I can’t picture Jesus telling our children in a raised voice, “Would you just get over here? We’re going to be late!”
• Margin emphasizes what is most important in your life: people, not things or activities. Especially when your children are young and take a long time to communicate their thoughts, you must allow for that unhurried attention that let’s them know you think they’re worth your time. And when your children are older, you need to be available at a moment’s notice for them to share their innermost thoughts when they’re ready to.
• Margin reduces fuzzy thinking. Your brain isn’t muddled by the tyranny of the urgent. Instead you can contemplate on what you want to do intentionally to teach and train your children to the glory of God. You have time to be creative, to pray and wait on God, to make well-thought-through decisions.

As you probably noticed in Jodi’s story above, multi-tasking is one of the biggest margin stealers. Society tells us that multi-tasking is a virtue. Don’t believe it! Add margin into your life by scheduling fewer events in a day, concentrating on one thing at a time, and allowing extra time to accomplish each task. You’ll find that you have more physical energy, more mental capacity, and more emotional stability. Move and think more slowly and deliberately — on purpose.

Will you ever have to hurry? Of course. But try to make stress the exception rather than the rule. Do you want to teach your children to dawdle? No. But don’t push and hurry them through life without providing ample opportunities and time to enjoy it with you. Too many people want deep, meaningful relationships but they try to squeeze them into little cracks in their schedules. Relationships take time — lots of unhurried, safe-guarded time.

Add more margin to your to-do list.

(Note: The names have been changed in the story above to protect the writer of this e-letter. [sheepish grin] Yes, it’s a true story.)

Q & A

Q: Margin sounds wonderful, but I can’t squeeze more time between my kids’ events. Their activities are scheduled too tightly: soccer drop-off at 3:30; piano drop-off at 4:00; put supper in the oven and run back to piano pick-up at 4:30; then soccer pick-up at 5:00; rush home for supper; youth group event drop-off at 6:30; . . . you get the idea.

A: Whew! I’m exhausted just reading about it! The only way you’ll get some margin is to eliminate most of those extra activities. Take steps now — the sooner, the better. You may be locked into some of them for a season, but do some serious rethinking so you will be prepared when you’re presented with the next “opportunity” for your child.

Whenever an activity is suggested ask yourself three important questions: (1) Which of our family goals will this activity help my child reach? (2) Can I think of an alternate way to help my child reach that goal without putting so much demand on my schedule? (3) How will this new activity and the resulting demand on our schedule affect all the members of our family?

The first question helps you keep a long-term mindset. Remember that the ultimate goal of raising children is to produce godly adults. All other ambitions should support that goal.

The second question helps you think creatively. It reminds you to evaluate society objectively and Biblically instead of slipping into a default-parenting mentality. “Prove all things; hold fast that which is good” (1 Thessalonians 5:21). Just because lots of other children are participating in an activity doesn’t automatically make it best for your child. God will not call you to do something that can only be accomplished using worldly means. He will provide ample opportunities to train your children in the way He wants them to go. Your job is to trust Him enough to say no to the things that are less than best, depending on Him to bring along something better in His time.

The third question helps you consider the big picture: your whole family. Society conditions us to view the family as a group of individuals who happen to share the same house. But the family is a unit, a whole entity. What one does affects all the others. Family members are not segregated individuals. So when one family member wants to participate in an activity outside the family, a major consideration must be, how will this addition to our schedule affect the family as a whole? Who will have to ride with you as you play chauffeur? Who will miss good wholesome meals because you’re too busy to cook? Who will miss naps and then be scolded for being grumpy? How will the extra expenses affect the family budget? What extra expectations will this schedule put on Dad?

You get the idea. Be courageous enough to think through this whole extra-activity mindset deliberately. Contrary to what our culture tells us, extra activities are not the right of every child. In fact, many of them are simply ways for adults to control a child’s free time and his parents’ money. Ask and answer the hard questions and choose intentionally. If the answers to those important questions are not favorable, say no. You and your child (and your family!) will enjoy the margin.

Q: What about all the church activities I’m asked to help with? I feel guilty if I say no.

A: First, let’s talk about “all the church activities.” It’s unfortunate that many churches have bought into society’s emphasis on scheduled activities and programs as their primary effort to minister to people. I may ruffle a few feathers for saying this, but here goes: church activities do not automatically equal ministry. As we discussed in the October e-letter, ministry should be a lifestyle, and much of effective, everyday ministry flows from home skills.

Many Christians spend so much time running programs and activities at the church building that they never see their non-Christian neighbors, much less develop relationships with them in order to minister to them. Many Christian parents spend so much time at the church building working with other people’s children that they lose touch with their own children.

Your first God-given ministry is to your family. (Now we’re talking about the “feel guilty” part.) Did you catch that statement? Your first God-given ministry is to your family (Deuteronomy 6:4-7; 1 Timothy 3:5; Titus 1:6). All your volunteer effort at church-scheduled functions will mean nothing if you lose your child’s heart. Don’t sacrifice your family for any event or program.

Also, ask yourself how each additional event on your schedule will affect the individual members of your family. That question is valid for church-scheduled activities as well as for sports or music or social events. More than one young mother has shared with me how frazzled she was because she committed to help with a week of “children’s ministry” meetings. Her own child’s routines were completely upset as she dealt with his missed naps, late bedtimes, and hurried meals. Because of the upset schedule, her child had more discipline issues, but she didn’t have the time or opportunity to deal with them in an intentional manner because she was in a hurry to get somewhere or was in the middle of a structured activity with other children waiting on her. With other mothers and children watching, she felt pressured for her child to behave in a stellar fashion even when he was in the midst of this turmoil. It seems like that experience would fall under the category of “provoking your children to wrath” rather than nurturing them (Ephesians 6:4).

Parents, please don’t say yes to church-scheduled activities simply by default or from guilt. Use the same three questions outlined in the answer above: (1) Which of our family goals will this activity help my child reach? (2) Can I think of an alternate way to help my child reach that goal without putting so much demand on my schedule? (3) How will this new activity and the resulting demand on our schedule affect all the members of our family? Go to God and ask Him about each activity, program, or event that you’re urged to participate in. Find out what He wants you to do at this season of your family’s life. And be careful not to confuse His gracious direction with human expectations.

On the flip-side, be sure you are investing time and effort in everyday ministry — tasks in which your child can wholeheartedly work side-by-side with you for the benefit of others. One of your family goals should be to teach your child to focus on Spirit-directed activity that meets needs, not just calendar-directed activity.

“Here, Jo,” said Fred, “got you a little something.” He handed her a box of assorted chocolates.

“Thanks, Fred,” replied Jo, smiling as she passed the open box around for all to taste.

“Now, mine,” Cindy Lou declared. “I saw this at the tack shop and thought it was just darling, so I had it personalized. The colors are gorgeous, and it’s all the style right now! I hope you love it!”

Jo opened a large box to find a monogrammed saddle blanket. “I’ve never seen one like this, Cindy Lou. And it has a big ‘J’ on it . . . for ‘Jo’? Yes, the colors are gorgeous. Thank you, dear,” Jo responded, holding it up for the others to see.

Steve rather sheepishly handed Jo a plain, white envelope. “Mine doesn’t taste nearly as good as Fred’s or look half as nice as Cindy Lou’s, but I hope you’ll find it useful.”

Jo opened the envelope and started reading the slips of paper that fell to the table. They were handmade certificates good for one hour of cleaning stalls, one hour of mending fences, one hour of exercising horses, one free ride to a horse auction, and unlimited computer support.

Jo was speechless.

Which gift would you consider most valuable? Probably the handmade certificates from Steve. The monogrammed saddle blanket no doubt cost more money than the slips of paper that the certificates were printed on, but Jo would get more benefit from Steve’s gift. You can tell that he took the time to think through what she might need and how he could help her most.

Fred’s gift, the chocolates, didn’t require much thought. In fact, he most likely just grabbed something to avoid coming empty handed. (All you chocoholics, don’t tune out here. Just go along with the illustration.) Cindy Lou’s gift, while thoughtful, wasn’t too practical. It looked nice, but wouldn’t be as useful as Steve’s.

We’ve all probably received (and given) each kind of gift at one time or other: (1) a survival gift, just to get through the party; (2) a default gift, nice-looking and popular but not necessarily helpful; and (3) an intentional gift, well-thought-through and useful to the recipient.

Now let’s bring the illustration over to parenting. What kind of gifts are you bringing to your children’s “party”? You have less than twenty years to equip them for success in their new endeavor: adulthood.

Do you give them bribes or threats? Don’t settle for giving “whatever” just to make it through the child-rearing years. Give them more than just survival gifts.

Do you give them the entertainment and clothes that the rest of the kids in your neighborhood have? Be careful of giving what is popular but not necessarily helpful. Don’t resort to default gifts.

Give your children what is best according to God’s standards; choose your gifts thoughtfully and deliberately. Give them the five gifts of intentional parents: the Bible, enjoyable pastimes, academics, character, and home skills.

For more about the different kinds of gifts that parents give their children, visit www.IntentionalParents.com.

Q & A

Q: How can I set an atmosphere of love and peace in my home?

A: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer. A thermometer registers the temperature of its surroundings. It doesn’t control its surroundings; it merely reacts to them. A thermostat, on the other hand, regulates its surroundings by staying constant. If you want your home to be warm in the winter, you set the thermostat accordingly and expect it to control the temperature of your house.

Parents should be thermostats in their home. If you want your home to be loving and peaceful, set your heart to remain constantly loving and peaceful in your attitude and actions. Your “setting” will influence those around you.

Practically speaking, keep in mind that it’s often hard to stay peaceful when surrounded by clutter. A cluttered house promotes stress and a cluttered mind. Set some clean-up times during the day to de-clutter the living areas of your house. Maybe you could institute quick clean-up times before lunch, before supper, and before bed. If you make these times a habit, they shouldn’t take long at all. You might keep a large basket in the living room in which to throw toys, just to get them off the floor quickly. Make these times fun by playing up-beat praise music. You might even make it a game; for example, see if you can finish by the end of one special song.

Through it all, remember that your attitude is the thermostat. If you work hard at keeping a loving and peaceful countenance and tone of voice, you will help set the atmosphere of love and peace in your home.

Q: How can I get my child to sing in church? She sings at home all the time, but won’t open her mouth at church.

A: First, ask yourself why you want her to sing in church. Is it because you’re concerned with how her behavior makes you look in other people’s opinions? Be careful. It’s easy to slip into “default” parenting by getting hung up in our own pride; we start thinking of how the child’s behavior makes us look to others instead of how the behavior will affect the child long-term. Learn this key principle now: it’s not about me; it’s about my child’s future.

So what to do. Face it, you can’t force her to sing. It looks as if she sings at home from her heart but doesn’t feel secure enough to sing “in front” of others. Don’t force it. She may get the idea that the purpose of singing in church is to perform in front of others instead of worshiping from the heart. As long as she’s quiet and not distracting others, let her be. When she’s ready, she’ll join in.