Intentional Parents

I remember a conversation I had with several other moms who were from different regions of the country. We were discussing “common courtesy,” and many of us had different ideas of what constituted courteous actions.

Some insisted on their children’s using “ma’am” and “sir”; others didn’t care about that wording. Some felt insulted when a child left the table before all the other family members were done eating; others had never thought about that practice.

In many ways we were diverse in our definitions of courtesy, but on one thing we all agreed: we could tell very easily when someone was being discourteous or disrespectful. Specific actions might vary, but the underlying attitude could be clearly seen.

Courtesy

Over the years I have seen some parents work hard at teaching their children etiquette, but those same children do not exhibit courtesy. What’s the difference? Etiquette is a way of acting; true courtesy is a heart attitude.

Courtesy is being concerned with the other person’s comfort. It may take different forms in different situations, but the underlying attitude remains.

I’m a firm believer in the principle that common courtesy begins at home. There is no better place to help your children develop the habit of being courteous. Make up your mind now to be consistent: if you wouldn’t allow your child to treat a guest that way, don’t allow him to treat a sibling that way. Concern for the other person’s comfort is the key.

Here, again, the motto of “Respect the older; protect the younger” applies.

Some Personal Specifics

Do you want some specific suggestions? Okay. Here are some of the practices that I have tried to instill in my children as habits of courtesy. Please don’t limit yourself to these, but this list might at least give you a starting place.

• Please and thank you

  From the time they were babies, I have required that my children say “please” and “thank you.” When they were too young to say the words, I taught them the two sign-language signs to communicate those courteous thoughts. And I reinforced the habit by natural consequences. If they didn’t say “please,” I looked at them expectantly and waited until they remembered. When I handed them what they had asked for, I didn’t let go until they said “thank you.” And, of course, I tried to model courtesy by using “please” when I told them to do something: “Please go tell Daddy that it’s time for supper.”

• Returning a greeting

  Even shy children can be encouraged to smile and say “hello” in response to a greeting (before darting behind Mom’s leg). Especially when an older person greets a child, common courtesy dictates that the child respond in kind. We’ve worked hard on this skill with my youngest daughter who has autism. It takes some reminding and some practicing, but it can be done.

• Looking in the eyes

  Try to encourage your children to look the other person in the eye when engaged in a conversation. Looking down or letting your eyes wander around the room can be perceived as rude. One thing that can help with this practice is to make sure you look your child in the eyes when you are communicating with him. And please try to remember to make him look you in the eye when you are praising him, just as much as making him look you in the eye when you are correcting him. It’s easy to do the “Look at me when I’m talking to you” reminder for criticism but not for praise. But eye contact during praise can pave the way for confident eye contact in other conversations too.

• Thank You notes

  We all know how nice it is to receive a thank you note from someone. So let’s teach our children the fine art of encouraging one another by writing thank you notes. Start when they are young and provide personally-preferred notecards as they grow older to help make this practice a habit.

• Telephone manners

  Take some time to help your children practice good telephone courtesy. Role play how you want them to answer the phone, how to lay it down carefully and come get you (rather than drop the receiver and yell across the house), and how to deliver a message accurately. When they get older, work with them to practice writing down a message, getting all the necessary information, and placing the note somewhere prominent to make sure you see it.

Your Specifics

I’m sure you can think of other good manners that you want to instill in your children. Maybe your list would include such courtesies as

• Boys holding the door open for ladies
• Giving up your seat for an older person
• Dinner table etiquette
• Saying “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir”

Specific manners may vary from home to home, but the guiding principles of kindness and respect remain constant. Teach your children those character traits—starting with family members—and common (or perhaps, rare) courtesy will follow more easily.

The past few days I’ve been reading a book that has been hard to put down. Let me give you the background first.

Some of the most practical, common-sense parenting books I read when we had young children were written by John Rosemond. In those books he promoted a traditional style of parenting in simple terms. Even though he was a psychologist, he didn’t sound like one; he made sense. He could make a seemingly complicated situation crystal clear and produce confidence in the midst of chaos. (And his sense of humor was a lot of fun too.)

Many of the principles that he presented seemed to be in line with Scripture, but he never claimed to be a believer or referred to the Bible in his books.

Fast forward about 15 years. This past summer I was browsing in a Christian bookstore, and what should I find but a new book by John Rosemond: Parenting by the Book. The introduction is his testimony of how he came to trust Christ and how he has been excited to see parenting principles that he has believed in all these years reflected in Scripture.

The rest of the book is equally engaging as he debunks the popular parenting psychology that has saturated our society and influenced our thinking. He then urges us to return to the traditional, Biblically-based parenting that was common back in “Grandma’s day.” And, as always, he gives lots of practical scenarios and solutions along the way.

Do I agree with everything he says 100%? No. But I heartily agree with about 97%, and I think this book would help a lot of parents who are questioning current trends and wanting to return to “old-fashioned” values.

Here is a smattering of some of the key points the author addresses:

• The difference between self-esteem and Biblical self-respect, and how you use completely different approaches to build each one.
• Why it doesn’t work to try to reason with a belligerent child. (This was an “ah-ha” moment for me: you can’t reason with the sin nature.)
• The 3 R’s of building good character — respect, responsibility, and resourcefulness — and how to cultivate them.
• The importance of parents being leaders in the home, rather than slaves and buddies.
• The necessity of keeping the right goal in mind — raising the child to be a godly adult –and how many parents’ priorities in time, energy, and money undermine that goal.
• How the parent/child relationship progresses through various seasons as the child grows. The author outlines those seasons in simple, eye-opening terms and shows how a failure to transition to the next season can be the cause of many problems.
• The principle that parental leadership is first and foremost an attitude.
• The importance of setting boundaries around your marriage to protect your relationship with your spouse from becoming a “till children do us part” marriage.

Now, I’ll tell you right up front that not everyone will like this book. It’s emphasis is more on the behavior of the child, believing that bad behavior reveals a flaw in the child’s character. While it is true that we need to focus on the hearts of our children, we also cannot ignore their behavior. Both aspects — shepherding the heart and correcting the behavior — are necessary for the intentional parent.

So if you’re ready for some straight-forward, sensible, simple child-rearing advice, read Parenting by the Book. I bet you’ll find it hard to put down too.

PS: If you want to know on which points I disagree with the author, check my comment on this blog post.

Smooth and easy. Do those two words describe your home life? Would you like them to? Of course, life will always throw us some curve balls, but wouldn’t it be nice to have more smooth and easy days?

You can. But it will take some work first.

Charlotte Mason said, “The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days; while she who lets their habits take care of themselves has a weary life of endless friction with the children.”

That’s the secret to smooth and easy days: take pains now to endow your children with good habits. (Notice that word “endow.” You are making an investment in their lives that will benefit them for years to come.)

More Than Brushing Teeth

We usually think of habits in terms of our children’s brushing their teeth and making their beds. But habits can include so much more. If you think about it, character is really a collection of habits. You can teach your child to have the habit of obedience, truthfulness, or kindness just like you can teach him to have the habit of hanging up his coat. How would your home life be better if your children had the habit of obedience or of attentiveness?

Habit is a matter of doing something so often that you eventually do it almost without thinking about it. All right, here’s your science lesson for today. Your brain has neurons that talk to each other. Every time you repeat an action or repeat a thought process, certain neurons talk to other certain neurons. And every time those neurons talk to those other neurons, they lay down a path between them (to put it in layman’s terms). The more those neurons follow that same path, the more you find yourself thinking that thought or doing that action without making a conscious decision to do so. That’s when it is a habit.

Charlotte likened the process to laying down the rails of a railroad track. You have to intentionally lay down the rails correctly; then the train can roll on those tracks without even “thinking” about them. As parents, it’s our duty to lay down those rails in our children’s lives. Help them form habits that will make their lives run easily in the future, and give us smooth and easy days in the meantime!

How To Lay Down the Rails

1. Pick ONE

   Decide on just one habit to work on and devote yourself to encouraging and cultivating that habit for about six to eight weeks. One at a time will keep you focused and seeing progress without confusion. If it takes two months per habit, you can still add six new habits each year.

2. Work Together

   If your child is old enough, have a short, positive talk with him and explain the benefits of the new habit and how it will make his life easier now and in the future. Seek to come alongside him and work together as a team to lay down this new rail in his life. Pray for and with your child as you both seek to instill this good habit.

3. Motivate

   Motivate your child with living examples of other people (in books or in person) who exhibit that new habit. Also motivate with consequences — both good and bad. Remember Hebrews 10:24 and seek to encourage and spur your child on toward love and good deeds.

4. Don’t nag!

   Nagging doesn’t help form those neuron connections. The only path nagging reinforces is the “do what Mom says” path. The trick is to try to get the child to think about the new action (that you want to make a habit) himself. Make his brain trace that path between the neurons.

5. Repetition

   Seek every opportunity to help your child remember on his own to do the new habit. You can say something like, “I promised that I would help you remember something” or “Remember what we prayed about together?” This is where our vigilance and creativity may be stretched, but it is a crucial step. This is the “takes pains” part of the process (as in “the mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days”). The more times your child thinks of and repeats the action or thought with no relapse, the deeper those rails will be grounded. And don’t forget to thank the Lord for bringing the right thoughts to your child’s mind every time he does remember.

Laying Down the Rails

If you would like more details and practical suggestions for cultivating habits like truthfulness, attentiveness, and obedience, you might enjoy these two resources:

• A series of blog posts on our sister site, Simply Charlotte Mason
• Laying Down the Rails, a 240-page book that is a collection of all the habits Charlotte Mason mentioned along with tips and practical how-to’s

Good habits can be a powerful tool for any intentional parent. Let’s put forth the effort to endow our children with good habits.

“I want to play with it!” “No, I want it!” “I had it first!” “No, I had it first!” “MOM!”

How well I remember those words and the feelings they would stir up inside me as I heard them. Those were the opportunities for me to shine! In my imagination I could see Super Mommy whisking on the scene and, with brilliant discernment, ascertaining exactly what needed to be done to restore peace and smiling harmony to her kingdom!

Not for long.

My imagination soon met with harsh reality, and those feelings inside became closer to dread and uncertainty as I willed my leaden feet up the stairs one more time to play referee. Summoning my courage, I would ask the standard first question: “What happened?”

“She hit me!” “She took my toy away!”

“Well, if you can’t play with the toy nicely, neither of you will play with it. I will take it, thank you. Now, you girls tell each other you’re sorry, and . . . ummm, . . . hug each other . . . or something,” I would finish with a flourish.

Conflict. We all encounter it in our homes because we all have human beings living in our homes — sinful human beings. And we all have a pretty good mental picture of what conflict is and what peace should look like, but we flounder a lot in trying to coach our children from the conflict to the peace in everyday situations. It’s frustrating! We know where we want to take them, but we don’t know exactly how to get there.

Well, I’m grateful that many years ago the Lord led me to attend a workshop that gave me some practical, realistic tools to coach my children from conflict to peace. The concepts and principles are right from Scripture, and they’re presented in a way that makes it easy to understand — for children and adults. The main illustration is that of a slippery slope.

Conflict is like a slippery slope. If we can stay on top of the slope, we can resolve conflict in a Biblical and satisfactory way. But if we slide down one side or the other, we get into trouble. Imagine this slippery slope is shaped like an upside-down U. On one side are the Attack responses, like hitting the other person or yelling at him. On the other side are the Escape responses, like pretending there’s no problem, blaming someone else, or running away from the scene. Neither of those responses — attack or escape — is Biblical.

But on the top of the slippery slope are the responses of choosing to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11), discussing the problem (Matthew 18:15), and getting help in resolving the issue (Matthew 18:16, 17). These responses are what pleases God and helps us resolve conflict in a Biblical manner.

At this workshop I also learned about the five A’s of confession: Admit what you did wrong and how it affected the other person; Apologize, expressing sorrow for how you hurt the other person; Ask for forgiveness; Accept any consequences for your actions; and Alter your behavior in the future. Walking the children through these steps was so much more meaningful than just, “Say you’re sorry.”

The four promises of forgiveness helped us as well. They were easy to remember because they make a little poem:

1. Good thought (I promise to think good thoughts about you.)
2. Hurt you not (I promise not to hurt you.)
3. Gossip never (I promise not to bring up this issue again.)
4. Friends forever (I promise to be your friend again.)

All of these concepts, and many more, were tools that I could teach my children and use as I trained them in Biblical conflict resolution. And the good news is that you can learn the same things I learned in that workshop! You too can have the tools to restore Biblical peace in your home!

All of these Biblical principles and the slippery slope illustration and corresponding Scripture verses are available through Peacemaker Ministries. No, I don’t work for that ministry; it has worked for me. And I’m praying that it will equip you, as it did me, to teach and train your children how to resolve conflict Biblically.

Q & A

Q: What should I do about tattling?

A: If the child is old enough to tell you about her sibling’s offense, she’s old enough to be taught the Matthew 18 principle: First, talk to your brother or sister in a kind voice and remind him or her of what’s right. Only if that approach doesn’t work do you come ask Mommy for help.

Do you see the heart attitude you are seeking to reinforce with this approach? Tattling is usually an issue of pride: “I caught someone else doing something wrong and I want him to get in trouble for it.” The Matthew 18 principle emphasizes an attitude of love and wanting what is best for the other person: “I will kindly remind you of what is right because that is best for you and I don’t want you to get in trouble or get hurt.”

So when a child comes running to you and begins to tattle or tell you what a brother is doing wrong, the first question you ask is, “Did you remind him of what is right, using a kind voice?” If not, you have a wonderful teaching opportunity! Take the child by the hand, go to the offending brother, and walk through the steps of what to say and what tone of voice to use — both in the reminder and in the response. If the child answers your question by saying that she has already reminded her brother in a kind voice, then you have another wonderful teaching opportunity! Take her by the hand and go to the offending brother. First, confirm that she did indeed remind him of what is right, using a kind voice. Then deal with the offense in a sorrowful way. Your sorrowful manner will serve to reinforce the proper attitude of love toward the erring brother, not pride and rejoicing over someone’s sin and its consequences.

“What’s for supper?” You’ve probably heard that question several hundred (if not several thousand) times, and you’ve probably prepared at least that many meals. Think about how it would feel if your efforts were taken for granted and family members never commented on your meals except to complain when they didn’t like something.

It’s so easy to take good things for granted. And that oversight doesn’t happen just with cooking. With a spouse or with a child, we can easily slip into the habit of communicating only neutral or negative comments. We inform our spouses of our schedules, and we let them know when they forgot to take out the trash. We remind our children of what we expect, and we correct them when they don’t meet those expectations.

But we often forget the power of encouragement. How motivating it is when someone tells us, “You’re doing the right thing!” Somehow those encouraging words infuse us with energy and we’re eager to put forth more effort as we continue on that same path. It’s just like when we hear, “This is delicious!” after preparing a certain dish for supper; we’ll most likely cook it again — and happily!

When the children were young, I found it to be a fun personal challenge to be on the alert to “catch” them doing something right and tell them. I tried to give a smile and say things like “I’m glad you used a kind voice. Good job!” or “Thank you for obeying right away,” or just “Thank you for obeying.” It didn’t have to be a grand production. I wasn’t trying to “make them feel good about themselves”; I just wanted to reinforce a positive action or attitude so they would want to do it again . . . and again . . . and hopefully, it would eventually become a habit. (Come to think of it, why should we “catch” only our younger children doing something right? All ages like encouragement!)

And somehow that attitude of watching for something good and that action of voicing my thanks helped me too. I found myself developing more of a positive attitude toward my children. Yes, I still had to correct them, but I no longer felt like that was all I did all day long. I began to notice a thankful spirit rising up within me — and my children. They began to voice thankfulness too, and complaining seemed more out of place than ever. Along with consciously reinforcing the habit of obedience (or whatever I thanked them for), I was unconsciously also developing the habit of thankfulness within them.

Another way we put this principle of encouragement into practice was with a character chart. When the children were small and we were learning the character traits in A Child’s Book of Character Building, I made a chart of the different traits we had learned and put every family member’s name on the chart, including parents. I then explained to the children that the objective was to catch somebody else in the family exhibiting one of those good character traits. When that happened, we put a little sticker or mark beside that person’s name under that character trait. At the end of the week we counted up the marks and kept track of the total family’s effort. Then a new chart was posted for the next week. When the family reached a certain number of marks, we celebrated. One time we all got double dessert; another time we went on a family outing to an ice cream shop.

A simple idea, but a little encouragement can go a long way. I’m not advocating that you never correct or inform; I’m just reminding you to mix in a large helping of grateful encouragement whenever you can.

Thanks for caring enough about your family to be an intentional parent!

Q & A

Q: I told my two-year-old to pick up a toy in the middle of the room, and he’s been screaming for the last five or ten minutes. What do I do? He is capable of obeying; he’s done the task before.

A: The way I see it, you have basically two options:

1. Determine that this is going to be “a hill that you are willing to die on.” Lovingly dig your heels in and say to yourself, “We are not moving from this room until my child obeys me; no matter how long it takes.” Sit in the room matter-of-factly, not paying attention to the tantrum, waiting for the child to obey. If the child tries to leave or do something else, you matter-of-factly, kindly but firmly, put the child back in front of the toy and say (in a kind but firm voice), “Put away the toy.” Be prepared to “do battle” consistently for at least an hour. Hopefully, it won’t take that long, but be prepared to persevere. Once the child decides to obey and puts the toy away, praise and hug him. Then move on to something else.This option works when you don’t have an important engagement to go to. If you do have a time deadline (and you must determine in your heart whether that appointment is more important than seizing this opportunity to train your child in obedience), see option 2.
2. Gently, but firmly, take the child physically and “help” him do the task that you’ve told him to do. Pick him up and move him to the toy, extend his arm to reach it, bend his fingers inside your hand to grasp the toy, carry him to the shelf, and “help” him place it where it belongs. Look at him and say something like, “When Mommy tells you to put away your toy, you put away the toy.” Then move on to something else. I would not recommend the second option as the rule; rather it should be the exception when pressed for time.

Q: We struggle with our two-year-old son obeying us in public settings. For example, this morning at the post office, he began pushing the baby’s stroller. I told him to stop and to come here; he totally ignored me. I said it to him two or three times and then finally had to get his hands and pull him to me. (He came without a struggle.) What is going on and how do we correct it?

A: My best guess is that he’s acting like all two-year-olds I’ve known. At that age they test and push against the boundaries to see whether the boundaries will move or change. They become little scientists, trying their experiment over and over with only slight variables: how about when it’s raining? how about when it’s raining and thundering? how about when we go to the grocery store? how about when we go to the grocery store and my sister is fussing? how about when we go to the grocery store and my sister is fussing and my mommy is looking at her list? how about when we go to the grocery store and my sister is fussing and my mommy is looking at her watch? You get the idea.

As to how to correct it: stand firm. The sooner he sees no crack in the armor, the sooner he will settle in secure again within his boundaries. The moment he sees a teensy weensy movement or shift in his boundary, the more that variable will feed his little scientific experiment and he’ll want to test and retest that theory to double check his findings. You will need God’s creativity along with His grace and strength to persevere. Pray for His creativity. You will need to think of ways to enforce your boundaries in public without bringing suspicions and ignorant accusations against you from onlookers. You were right to physically “help” him obey. Next time, say it only once, wait a reasonable, heart-known amount of time to watch for compliance, then physically direct him to obey.

One strategy I used with my kids when they were testing the limits was positive reminders. Whenever we would go somewhere out of our house, I would briefly and positively remind them of what I expected from them at that location. For example, when we pulled into the Wal-mart parking lot, I would turn off the car, turn around in my seat, and smile and say, “Now when we go into Wal-mart I expect you to stay beside the cart and not touch anything unless we buy it. Do you understand?” They responded in the affirmative and I would say, “OK, let’s go!” All stated in the positive so it’s not a threat and not a bribe; it’s a gentle reminder that I expect them to behave properly. I usually did not add “and if you don’t . . .” because I didn’t want to even plant that seed in their heads that I was in any way expecting them not to obey.

This testing of the limits is not happening because of a lapse in your parenting to date; it is a natural process in their development. You will be observing and adjusting to “natural” tendencies all his life, even as you seek to direct him to “supernatural” tendencies instead. Take courage and be lovingly stubborn!

Tired from a long day, Michelle wiped her hands on the dishtowel and made her way down the hall to three-year-old Andrew’s room. She peeked her head in the door expectantly and sighed, disappointed to find Andrew sitting on the floor in the middle of a large pile of toys.

“Andrew,” Michelle began in a weary voice, “what do we do every night before you go to bed?”

“Pick up the toys,” replied Andrew cheerfully. He was getting to be a big boy, and he knew the answer.

Michelle stepped over the building blocks and the model cars, moved the stuffed frog to one side, and sank onto the bed. “Exactly,” she said. “Now, Andrew, I want you to show some initiative and start cleaning up the toys when it’s bedtime, whether I’m here to help you or not.”

Andrew sat quietly for a moment; Michelle could see that he was thinking. Finally, he looked at her with a puzzled expression.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, Andrew.”

“What’s ‘nishyativ’?”

Character is such an abstract concept. It’s hard for children, who think concretely, to comprehend all that goes into character and its various and sundry traits. It’s also hard for parents to explain character and its traits simply, yet completely, so children can understand them.

How would you have answered Andrew if you had been Michelle? You could have explained, “Initiative means cleaning up your toys when you know it’s time to, even if Mommy isn’t here.” That definition would have fit the circumstances; Andrew probably would have learned how to apply initiative in that situation. But he most likely wouldn’t have been able to generalize that character trait into a different scenario that also requires initiative — like using the bathroom on his own or making his bed in the mornings.

Every family can benefit from learning simple definitions of important character traits. As all the members of the family learn the same definitions and discuss the same traits, they find that they are all on the same page when they face opportunities to apply those traits.

For example, Scott knocked on his ten-year-old daughter’s bedroom door. When Julie called, “Come in,” he opened the door. Julie was lying on her bed, reading a book. Scott walked in and began to explain the chore he needed her to complete that day, but her eyes never moved from the page. Finally, Scott said, “Julie, I want you to pay attention to me when I’m talking to you.”

“I am paying attention, Dad,” Julie responded. And she repeated exactly what he had explained to her, all the while looking at her book.

“Well, OK,” Scott replied, hesitantly. “Uh, thanks.”

As he left the room, Scott knew something didn’t seem quite right, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. After all, Julie obviously had heard what he had said.

If Scott and Julie had both learned the same definition of “attentive,” each of them would have known what was expected in that situation. Instead of Scott’s feeling unsettled yet unable to identify exactly what was wrong, he would have been able to gently remind Julie that “attentive means listening with the ears, eyes, and heart.” And Julie would have been familiar with that expectation from the start.

All the family members’ learning simple definitions of character traits lays a solid foundation for applying those traits in everyday life. And that learning is even more powerful when you memorize Scripture verses that correspond to those traits. Remember, the Scripture passages and definitions don’t have to be long; in fact, the shorter and simpler, the better. But investing the time now will pave the way for a smoother road ahead.

Many lists of character traits are available, along with definitions and Scripture verses. I like to recommend A Child’s Book of Character Building Books 1 and 2. (The definition of “attentive” used above comes from that series.)

Q & A

Q: I caught my child playing with the remote, which he knows he’s not allowed to touch. We both knew he was going to get a spanking, but when I told him to “come here,” he threw it across the room and ran away. Now what do I do?

A: Now you’re in a tough situation. You’re going to have to deal with two issues: playing with the remote and running away when summoned. It will require two separate corrections for two separate incidents, and you’ll need to make sure your child understands both disobedient actions and their compounded consequences.

These situations can be frustrating. What could have been a focused reinforcement of your rule about the remote, turned into a confusing conglomeration of explanations.

After experiencing this type of exasperating situation a few times, I discovered a helpful tip: Don’t insert additional requirements in the midst of a correction. If at all possible, don’t create an opportunity for another conflict before you get the first one resolved. If the child disobeys, go to him and physically take him aside to correct him. You take the initiative to physically guide him through what needs to be done. Don’t make additional demands from afar that give him additional chances to disobey, thus compounding the situation; such requirements can simply add another conflict that, if disobeyed, leads to another issue with another correction that must be resolved before you can get back to the first issue and its correction. Whew!

It happens to all of us sometimes, but be aware of the potential and try not to get sucked into the “compounding conflicts syndrome.”

Q: How do I handle obedience accompanied with fussing or scowling?

A: With young children, I’ve always concentrated on requiring immediate obedient actions first, then fine-tuning their attitudes as a process along the way. Here’s my reasoning: at young ages, children don’t know what an “attitude” is. It does no good to tell them to change their attitudes. They aren’t developmentally able to step outside themselves and identify objectively what they are thinking or feeling. So I try to shape and encourage correct attitudes at this point, but I focus on enforcing obedient actions. Notice the difference between enforcing and encouraging or shaping.

Here’s a practical example. Let’s say you told your child to close the door. (And by the way, please get in the habit of kindly telling your child what you expect [“Samuel, please close the door”], rather than asking him whether he will do what you expect [not “Samuel, will you please close the door?”] A small detail that can eliminate confusion.]) As he responds to your words, make a mental note of two separate issues: his actions and his attitude.

First, his actions: Did he do what you told him to? “Close the door.” If no, he didn’t close the door, physically correct his disobedience and have him try it again until he obeys.

If yes, he closed the door, but he pitched a fit about it, thank him for closing the door, but tell him, “You may not fuss.” Put him in his crib and tell him to “do your fussing in here” or “No fussing.” Wait outside the door, out of sight, for his fussing to stop. As soon as you hear even a millisecond of silence, enter the room with an enthusiastic response and a smile: “Oh, good, you’re done fussing!” If the fussing begins again, let your face show disappointment, say sadly, “Oh, you’re not done fussing,” and go outside the door again. Make sure the fussing is completely “turned off” before you remove him from his crib and happily engage his attention elsewhere.

If yes, he closed the door, but he slammed it, enforce the correct behavior by having him do it over the correct way. You might say something like, “No, close the door gently.” Then physically guide him through the process a few times, finishing with the encouragement and smile, “Yes, close the door gently. Thank you.” Do you see how this training step would be impossible if the child were pitching a fit? You must deal with the fussing issue first, then you’ll have laid the groundwork for this step in the process.

If yes, he closed the door without slamming it, but he had a scowl on his face — fine. He obeyed; you don’t have to enforce his obedience. Now you can concentrate on encouraging and shaping his attitude. Model the happy voice and face you want him to have as you thank him enthusiastically. Then distract him to a new activity. Soon he may forget to scowl because he’s looking for your happy face.

So here’s the process in incremental steps: (1) physically enforce that he does what he’s told; (2) eliminate his fussing; (3) refine how he does what he is told; (4) refine his inner attitude. Once the child has been trained to do steps 1 and 2 by habit, you can concentrate more intensely on 3 and 4. The child will also be older at that point and better able to understand what an “attitude” is. Then as the child matures even more, you can add the final step of teaching him appropriate appeals to authority and respectful negotiation skills.

Just as God matures us and shapes us to be more and more in the image of His Son, so maturity and discipline is a process for our children. Don’t expect them to do everything exactly perfect the first time. Encourage their progress and keep moving them toward the goal of maturity.

Dave and Jan are facing a challenge: their kitchen needs some major overhauling. The lights don’t turn on when they flip the switch, the water pipes under the sink leak, and the cupboards are pulling away from the wall. The flooring has holes in it, and the stove doesn’t work. Yes, Jan and Dave have a big job ahead of them. They’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to do the job with their trusty toolbox by their side.

Just one problem: the only tool in their toolbox is a hammer.

Dave and Jan are going to experience a lot of frustration and limited success because they have only one tool in their toolbox. Many parents have only one tool in their discipline toolbox. They too are going to experience a lot of frustration and limited success in the challenge they face: building character and self-discipline in their children.

The problem is that too many parents view discipline as equal to correction. They think that correction is the only tool in their discipline toolbox. They make statements like, “I caught my son hitting his sister and had to discipline him.” But discipline includes much more than just correcting. Think of your discipline toolbox as containing three effective tools: teaching, training, and correcting.

“Discipline” comes from the root word “disciple,” which means “follower.” The goal of discipline is to make your child a follower — of God, of you his parents, of what is right. Discipline is the action of making a disciple. Jesus did not make disciples by only correcting them. He taught them and trained them as well. Intentional parents would do well to use all three tools with their children.

The first tool is teaching. Teaching is telling the child what you expect from her. Teaching can be done directly and indirectly. “Use only your hands on the piano keys,” is one example of direct teaching. The directive is stated simply and positively. Notice that the parent didn’t say, “Don’t hit the piano keys with a wooden block!” Those kinds of statements can get you into trouble because, chances are, your child will think of more possibilities than you ever could. What about hitting the keys with a pencil? With a drumstick? With a sister’s head? Get in the habit of stating what you will accept rather than trying to list all the actions that are forbidden. Of course, memorizing and discussing Bible verses is another form of direct teaching.

You can also teach indirectly through stories and personal example. People’s minds are naturally drawn to stories and conversations. Good stories that teach good behavior can be quite useful. Make sure that the books, software, and TV shows that enter your child’s mind reflect the good behavior you’re trying to teach. And make sure you are demonstrating the good behavior yourself. Your example is crucial to the formation of good habits in your children.

The second tool is training. Training is setting up a controlled situation in which the child can practice meeting your expectations. You want obedience to become a habit. In the initial stages of training, make it as easy as possible for the child to obey. Remove as many obstacles to obedience that you can. In other words, don’t lead your child into temptation. As the training progresses, try to regulate the number of potential obstacles so the child is not overwhelmed. Each victory will increase your child’s habit of obedience and strengthen her ability to resist temptation or distraction.

Train a child to say “Thank you” by handing him what he requested but not letting go of it until he says, “Thank you.” Soon a thankful response will become his habit. Train a child to clean her room by doing it together, then doing most of it together but leaving a small part for her to do alone before you inspect it, then leaving a bigger part for her to do before inspection, and finally, expecting her to complete the task alone. Be sure to inspect the results and give feedback. In the initial stages of training, you will get what you inspect.

Another example of training is “do overs.” If a child slams a door, have him come back and close it correctly. If a child demands more food instead of asking politely, have her do it over, asking politely this time.

Training involves short, incremental steps. Some children will take longer at certain stages of the training process. That’s OK. Don’t expect overnight perfection, but do expect constant progress toward the goal as you lead the way and smooth the path.

The third tool is correcting. Correcting is pointing out to the child how he didn’t meet your expectations, and lovingly and faithfully administering consequences to motivate the child to obey the next time. Notice the key words “lovingly” and “faithfully.” Consequences administered without love can easily turn into abuse. Consequences administered sporadically will never develop the habit of obedience in your children. Remember the two foundational truths from Discipline 101: (1) Who’s going to change and shape your child if you don’t? and (2) Don’t expect your child to be more disciplined than you are.

Certainly, correction has an important place in discipline. But it’s not the only tool you have. Correction is a reaction, or a response, based on what the child has already done. Use teaching and training to guide what the child does ahead of time. Form positive habits in her and your times of correction will diminish. Teaching and training will require more intentional forethought on your part, but the rewards will be well worth it.

Teaching, training, and correcting. Make sure your discipline toolbox contains all three tools.

Q & A

Q: I’ve never heard of training my child; can you give me an example of how it works?

A: Sure. Let’s say you want your toddler to be able to play quietly when you go to someone’s house. Start with teaching. Lay a blanket on the floor and put some quiet toys on it. Place the child on the blanket and teach her what you expect by saying, “Stay on the blanket.” Keep your instructions short, specific, and positive. You would not, for example, say, “Don’t you get off this blanket or Mommy will have to spank you!” State your command in words that convey that you have every expectation that the child will obey you.

Now train her to stay on the blanket by sitting with her for a few minutes and playing with the toys. You might repeat that process for a few minutes each day or for a couple of times a day for two or three days. In the beginning stages of training, you want to make it as easy as possible for the child to obey. On the fourth day, intensify the training a little by removing yourself from the blanket briefly to go fetch or do something in the same room. Remind the child of your teaching before you go by saying in a pleasant voice, “Mommy needs to get something. Stay on the blanket, please,” or just, “Stay on the blanket.” You should be gone for only a minute and remain in sight. If the child stays on the blanket, convey your pleasure at her obedience when you return. Tell her, “Good job staying on the blanket! I’m glad you obeyed Mommy!”

(May I insert a side note here? Please make sure that you’re not training your child to look in your eyes only when he’s done something wrong. Many parents use the phrase “Look at me” only when they are going to correct a misbehavior. Encourage your child to look you in the eyes to receive praise. You want to train him to meet your gaze eagerly, not reluctantly. Enough said.)

If she crawls off the blanket, you will see her immediately because you are still within sight. This is the point where correction comes into play. Drop what you were doing and walk quickly toward her with a sad face, stating calmly and firmly, “No. Mommy said, ‘Stay on the blanket.’” Pick her up, administer a sorrowful spank on the back of her thigh, and put her back on the blanket. Continue the teaching and training by telling her, “Stay on the blanket,” walking a shorter distance away, and coming back sooner. You want to catch her doing it right. As she progresses successfully in her training, you should incrementally increase the time and distance that you are away from the blanket.

Once she is used to playing in a confined place without your attention, you can gradually transition from the blanket on the floor to a loveseat or a large chair then to a smaller chair (assuming the child is old enough to be up off the floor safely). You might even drape the blanket over the loveseat or chair for the first few transitions since she is used to staying within that boundary. When you go to someone’s house to visit, simply take along the blanket and some quiet toys, or take just the quiet toys if she has progressed to sitting in a chair and playing quietly.

Q: How can I use all three parts of discipline with my older children?

A: In general terms, you would (1) teach by telling them what you expect and what God’s Word says about the subject; (2) train by setting up incremental steps that will move them eventually to the goal; and (3) correct by taking away privileges.

Here’s a specific situation for an example: you want your older children to quit yelling at each other and arguing all the time.

(1) Teach

Choose a neutral time to tell them your observations and that God has laid it on your heart to help them break this bad habit. Briefly tell them what you expect in positive terms, using a kind voice. Your expectations could be as simple as, “I expect you to use kind words and kind voices.”

Every morning at breakfast read together verses from God’s Word about the power of the tongue and what kind of speech pleases and displeases God. Proverbs for Parenting would be a great resource for this study. You could also go over how to resolve conflict Biblically, using material from Peacemakers Ministries.

(2) Train

You might take steps like setting up an encouragement time at supper each night. During supper, each child must say something kind about and/or to a sibling. You might increase the requirements to three kind statements over time. Next, you might set up a temporary rule that the children must remain within your earshot during the day so you can help them form this new habit of using kind words. Listen for potential conflict situations and promptly step in to guide the children positively. Give possible suggestions if the child doesn’t know how to state his concern in a kind way. Verbally encourage any effort the children put forth to break their bad habit and start forming the new one. You might even set up a corporate goal and reward for all to work toward, such as a trip to a favorite ice cream shop once the whole family has gone for one week with no unkind words. As each child progresses in developing this new habit, allow him or her increasing time outside of your earshot.

(3) Correct

Whenever an unkind word or tone of voice is used, have that child “do it over” the correct way. If she refuses to cooperate or needs more incentive to remember to speak kindly, take away a privilege that has to do with speaking, such as talking on the telephone or even talking in general. Another built-in correction will be the penalty of having to stay within your earshot longer than those who develop the new habit readily.

Rebekah had reached that whiny stage. She whined if she didn’t want to eat what I had fixed for lunch. She whined when I told her to pick up her toys. She whined if she didn’t get to go to the park.

It wasn’t that she refused to do what I told her. She would eat what I fixed, and she would pick up her toys when I said so. I knew enough to require obedience. But I didn’t know what to do about the whining. It was really grating on my nerves.

Then — I can remember it clearly — I had my first “ah-ha!” moment about discipline. You know, those moments when into your brain pops a thought that is so clear and so relevant you wonder why it had never occurred to you before. It seems so simple, and yet so profound. You stand stock still and think, “Ah-ha! That’s it!”

Ah-ha Idea #1: “Who’s going to change it if you don’t? If you don’t like her whining, you’re the one who will have to do something about it.”

Seems simple, doesn’t it? Yet many parents complain and fret and, yes, whine about their child’s behavior as if they can do nothing about it. Well, parents, if you don’t do something to change your child’s behavior, who are you expecting to change it? No one else has that assignment from God; you do. Children will not just “grow out of” disobedience, selfishness, manipulation, and pride. God has entrusted them to us so we can train them up in His ways and His Word.

Yes, it will take some creativity and hard work, but you can do it. In fact, you must do it. If you don’t, who will?

My second ah-ha! moment about discipline occurred with my second child, Ruth. It was one of those days when I had little to no energy left. I felt like all I did was pick up toys, clean up messes, change diapers, and settle conflicts. I was sick and tired of getting up out of my comfortable chair to enforce my instructions to my little one. I wished she would just do what I told her to do so I could sit for longer than two minutes.

Once more I gave the firm but gentle command, “Leave the books on the shelf.” I saw that little hand reach out, and I knew she was going to pull every last book off if I let her. And, at that point, I was ready to let her “just this time.” I argued with myself that I was too tired to do what I knew I should do. I wanted to do what I wanted to do this time! That’s when ah-ha! number two struck.

Ah-ha Idea #2: “Don’t expect your child to be more disciplined than you are. If you cannot make yourself respond properly each time she requires help from you, don’t expect her to respond properly each time you require something from her.”

It requires self-discipline to consistently shape our children’s characters. We call that shaping “discipline” for a good reason. Our ultimate goal is that our children will embrace the discipline we impose from outside until it becomes a part of them on the inside. In other words, we want them to become self-disciplined. We want them to be strong enough to do what they know is right even when they don’t feel like doing it.

Sound familiar? At that moment in my parenting, I was struggling with self-discipline. I didn’t want to do what I knew was right because I didn’t feel like doing it. I was modeling the exact character flaw that I was trying to train out of my daughter.

It takes self-discipline to teach self-discipline. Your child will learn the most about discipline by watching how disciplined you are. Don’t expect more from your child than you’re ready to put forth yourself. It’s not just a matter of your enforcing a set of standards; it’s a matter of your modeling by example the character you’re trying to teach.

So there you have them: the two “ah-ha!” moments that continue to prod me to keep on keeping on consistently shaping our children’s characters through discipline. Simple? Yes. But they have made all the difference.

Q & A

Q: How do I deal with a strong-willed child?

A: Probably the most important thing you can do is to change your thinking: your child is not strong willed, he’s weak willed. No, it’s not just a matter of wording. This concept can change your whole perspective.

Think about a person on a diet. That person is not supposed to eat certain foods. Say you and that person go to a restaurant for a meal. As you’re sitting across from each other in the booth, she grabs some chips and starts munching on them. You know those are a forbidden food on her diet. Would you say that person is strong willed or weak willed? She is weak willed. In fact, she might even mention the need for more will “power.” She is weak willed because she gave in to what she wanted to do instead of being strong enough to do what she was supposed to do.

So why do we call a child who does what he wants to do “strong willed”? He is actually weak willed. He doesn’t have the strength of character to do what he should. Instead he gives in and takes the easiest route: doing what he wants.

Now do you understand why this concept can change your whole perspective? Thinking of your child as weak willed helps you mentally to view him as someone who needs your help instead of someone who is in a battle against you. It is your responsibility — and your desire because you love him — to help him and train him in order to strengthen his will so he will be able to do what he should instead of doing only what he wants.

This new way of thinking de-fuses the “power struggle” bomb. There is no power struggle. You are the parent; you are in charge. God says so. Period.

So, how to deal with a “strong-willed” child? Start with changing your thinking and applying the two ah-ha! ideas described above.

(Note: Actually, this “new” way of thinking is the old way of thinking. Charlotte Mason explained this difference between strong willed and weak willed in her writings in the late 1800s and early 1900s. You can find a good synopsis of The Way of the Will in Karen Andreola’s book, A Charlotte Mason Companion, available through our Web site.)

Q: How should I discipline my special needs child?

A: Oh, how I wish that question had a simple answer. I thought I had this discipline thing pretty much figured out — until God gave us Hannah. Hannah is autistic, and many of the techniques that worked so well with the other children suddenly didn’t work at all. Many autistic children have sensory issues. Hannah has a very high threshold of pain and a very low awareness of other people’s feelings. Suddenly, spanking didn’t have the same effect it had previously. Mommy’s disapproving face wasn’t even noticed by this child. I found myself second guessing every discipline issue because I wasn’t sure whether she understood my directives. The last thing I wanted to do was punish her for something she couldn’t comprehend versus something she simply refused to do. But how could I know the difference?

So, once again, Hannah’s special need nudges me closer to the Savior. I beg Him to show me how much she comprehends and where her heart is. I depend on Him for wisdom to know what circumstances might “provoke [my child] to wrath” and for creativity to find effective ways to “bring [her] up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

Through it all, one statement rings in my head. A mom on a Christian e-mail loop I subscribe to said this one day: “God did not give your child a special need as an excuse to sin.” That statement helps me know what to focus on and what to accommodate. For instance, recently we had our family picture taken at our church. To Hannah’s way of thinking, whenever she goes to the church building she sits in one of the blue chairs. When we told her to come look at the camera and the little stools by the backdrop, she started to cry. Now, technically, she was disobeying my command, but in her heart she was simply scared of the change in routine — a symptom of her disability. She was not rebellious, but afraid. I treated the situation with accommodation, trying to help her take small steps toward accepting that change in routine. This was not a discipline issue because she was not deliberately sinning.

However, a couple of days ago I asked her if she had brushed her teeth, and she said yes. I then discovered that she had lied to me. My heart’s first reaction was to wonder whether she could understand what a lie is, but immediately the Lord reassured my heart that even if she didn’t understand the concept yet, it was something she needed to learn. Lying is sin, and I couldn’t let her special need excuse it. (The Lord also reminded me of the two ah-ha! ideas listed above. So, of course, I had to deal with it!)

“God did not give your child a special need as an excuse to sin.” That statement helps to sort the wheat from the chaff. Yes, special needs may require special grace. But remember not to grant your child a license to sin. As much as possible, train your child to please God.