Just Between Us Girls
Daughter’s First Entry, June 4: “Dear Mom, I love you. Will you give me a hug?”
Mom’s Reply: “Dear [Daughter], I’m proud of the way you are growing up. I hope you never lose your desire to do what is right. You are a good big sister and a wonderful daughter.”
Mom’s Entry, January 1: “Dear [Daughter], Thanks so much for the lovely New Year’s Day party. It was a very thoughtful thing to do. I hope you had fun planning it! I’m glad that you didn’t get mad about the fan. You showed me how much you are growing up inside by keeping a good attitude and coming up with a new idea for your decorations. (I especially liked the confetti!) Have a wonderful year!”
Daughter’s Reply: “Dear Mom, I had fun making New Year’s Day special. It was fun to have more than one snack, was it not?”
And so the journal goes. Nothing earth shattering or profound. Just a few entries over the next months. But those entries represent a special pipeline to my daughter’s heart in the midst of all the activity and divided attention that comes with having several children — four girls, in our family.
Oh, how we need to keep our children’s hearts! Here are just a couple of practical ideas that I have implemented over the years to try to strengthen that mother-daughter bond.
Mother-Daughter Journals
As each girl turns seven, I give her a pretty little journal and explain that this is a mother-daughter journal. Any time she wants to tell me something or has a question she wants to ask me, she can write it in this journal and leave it on my pillow or on my desk for me to see. I will write a reply and put it back on her pillow or some other place where she will find it.
These journals give the girls and me a private means of communication that isn’t always available in a household of many. The journals aren’t on any set schedule. We use them when we think of it. But we always know they are there if we need them.
In looking back over one of the journals (the one quoted above), I noticed that often I initiated the entry as a means of encouraging the daughter in some attitude or character trait; she didn’t always start the conversation. And I also noticed that some of her questions didn’t have written responses. Those are the questions that required some discussion in person, not a quick answer in ink.
The final entry in the journal is an explanation that we were about to begin having Girls’ Nights. Once we started that tradition, we didn’t seem to need the journal anymore.
Girls’ Nights
We start Girls’ Nights as each daughter reaches ten years old. One night a week we meet together, just Mom and daughter. It is a time to be alone and give undivided attention. Sometimes we read a book of my own choosing, sometimes one that she wants to read. Sometimes we go out for ice cream or watch a video. Sometimes we work on a special project together.
When we’re crunched for time, we spend thirty minutes together; other evenings we might spend two hours. The activity isn’t as important as the time together. Questions can be asked in private, and specific encouragement doled out. Physical and emotional changes can be discussed candidly, and future hopes and dreams can be shared.
I’m sure there are other great ideas that families have used, but these two have worked well for our schedules and lifestyle. One-on-one time. Don’t rely on a half-hour a week to keep your heart knit together with your daughter’s. Obviously, we need to be cultivating that relationship throughout every day. But there’s no substitute for one-on-one time to give a sense of having a special place in Mom’s heart.
Q & A
Q: How can I adapt your “Just Between Us Girls” ideas for my sons?
A: You could encourage your husband to have boys’ nights or camping trips or other times for just father and son to be together. And please do all you can to make that event easy for your husband to keep. Don’t pester him, but do try to smooth the way by eliminating as many potential obstacles as possible.
You might do a mother-son breakfast once a month and cook a great big breakfast of his favorite foods or take him to his favorite restaurant and sit in an out-of-the-way booth that will encourage talking.
Sally Clarkson talks about taking time to sit with her son in his room before bedtime and listen. One son just seemed to open up at that time of day.
I hope these possibilities help generate some great ideas that will work well for your family and your situation.
Q: How long do you continue the girls’ nights?
A: As long as the child wants to. As of the writing of this e-letter, my oldest is sixteen. We aren’t keeping to a rigid weekly schedule during this season, but we still enjoy spending frequent Girls’ Nights together. My ten-year-old just started entering into the tradition, so we’re careful to keep our weekly appointments as we get our one-on-one times established.
Be flexible. The goal is to get to know your child, and part of that relationship is learning what she likes and doesn’t like as she grows and develops. Preferences change through the years, so be ready to respect those changes. The main point is to keep your child’s heart by whatever means works best for you two.
