Biblical Conflict Resolution
“I want to play with it!” “No, I want it!” “I had it first!” “No, I had it first!” “MOM!”
How well I remember those words and the feelings they would stir up inside me as I heard them. Those were the opportunities for me to shine! In my imagination I could see Super Mommy whisking on the scene and, with brilliant discernment, ascertaining exactly what needed to be done to restore peace and smiling harmony to her kingdom!
Not for long.
My imagination soon met with harsh reality, and those feelings inside became closer to dread and uncertainty as I willed my leaden feet up the stairs one more time to play referee. Summoning my courage, I would ask the standard first question: “What happened?”
“She hit me!” “She took my toy away!”
“Well, if you can’t play with the toy nicely, neither of you will play with it. I will take it, thank you. Now, you girls tell each other you’re sorry, and . . . ummm, . . . hug each other . . . or something,” I would finish with a flourish.
Conflict. We all encounter it in our homes because we all have human beings living in our homes — sinful human beings. And we all have a pretty good mental picture of what conflict is and what peace should look like, but we flounder a lot in trying to coach our children from the conflict to the peace in everyday situations. It’s frustrating! We know where we want to take them, but we don’t know exactly how to get there.
Well, I’m grateful that many years ago the Lord led me to attend a workshop that gave me some practical, realistic tools to coach my children from conflict to peace. The concepts and principles are right from Scripture, and they’re presented in a way that makes it easy to understand — for children and adults. The main illustration is that of a slippery slope.
Conflict is like a slippery slope. If we can stay on top of the slope, we can resolve conflict in a Biblical and satisfactory way. But if we slide down one side or the other, we get into trouble. Imagine this slippery slope is shaped like an upside-down U. On one side are the Attack responses, like hitting the other person or yelling at him. On the other side are the Escape responses, like pretending there’s no problem, blaming someone else, or running away from the scene. Neither of those responses — attack or escape — is Biblical.
But on the top of the slippery slope are the responses of choosing to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11), discussing the problem (Matthew 18:15), and getting help in resolving the issue (Matthew 18:16, 17). These responses are what pleases God and helps us resolve conflict in a Biblical manner.
At this workshop I also learned about the five A’s of confession: Admit what you did wrong and how it affected the other person; Apologize, expressing sorrow for how you hurt the other person; Ask for forgiveness; Accept any consequences for your actions; and Alter your behavior in the future. Walking the children through these steps was so much more meaningful than just, “Say you’re sorry.”
The four promises of forgiveness helped us as well. They were easy to remember because they make a little poem:
- Good thought (I promise to think good thoughts about you.)
- Hurt you not (I promise not to hurt you.)
- Gossip never (I promise not to bring up this issue again.)
- Friends forever (I promise to be your friend again.)
All of these concepts, and many more, were tools that I could teach my children and use as I trained them in Biblical conflict resolution. And the good news is that you can learn the same things I learned in that workshop! You too can have the tools to restore Biblical peace in your home!
All of these Biblical principles and the slippery slope illustration and corresponding Scripture verses are available through Peacemaker Ministries. No, I don’t work for that ministry; it has worked for me. And I’m praying that it will equip you, as it did me, to teach and train your children how to resolve conflict Biblically.
Q & A
Q: What should I do about tattling?
A: If the child is old enough to tell you about her sibling’s offense, she’s old enough to be taught the Matthew 18 principle: First, talk to your brother or sister in a kind voice and remind him or her of what’s right. Only if that approach doesn’t work do you come ask Mommy for help.
Do you see the heart attitude you are seeking to reinforce with this approach? Tattling is usually an issue of pride: “I caught someone else doing something wrong and I want him to get in trouble for it.” The Matthew 18 principle emphasizes an attitude of love and wanting what is best for the other person: “I will kindly remind you of what is right because that is best for you and I don’t want you to get in trouble or get hurt.”
So when a child comes running to you and begins to tattle or tell you what a brother is doing wrong, the first question you ask is, “Did you remind him of what is right, using a kind voice?” If not, you have a wonderful teaching opportunity! Take the child by the hand, go to the offending brother, and walk through the steps of what to say and what tone of voice to use — both in the reminder and in the response. If the child answers your question by saying that she has already reminded her brother in a kind voice, then you have another wonderful teaching opportunity! Take her by the hand and go to the offending brother. First, confirm that she did indeed remind him of what is right, using a kind voice. Then deal with the offense in a sorrowful way. Your sorrowful manner will serve to reinforce the proper attitude of love toward the erring brother, not pride and rejoicing over someone’s sin and its consequences.
