Catch Them Doing What’s Right
“What’s for supper?” You’ve probably heard that question several hundred (if not several thousand) times, and you’ve probably prepared at least that many meals. Think about how it would feel if your efforts were taken for granted and family members never commented on your meals except to complain when they didn’t like something.
It’s so easy to take good things for granted. And that oversight doesn’t happen just with cooking. With a spouse or with a child, we can easily slip into the habit of communicating only neutral or negative comments. We inform our spouses of our schedules, and we let them know when they forgot to take out the trash. We remind our children of what we expect, and we correct them when they don’t meet those expectations.
But we often forget the power of encouragement. How motivating it is when someone tells us, “You’re doing the right thing!” Somehow those encouraging words infuse us with energy and we’re eager to put forth more effort as we continue on that same path. It’s just like when we hear, “This is delicious!” after preparing a certain dish for supper; we’ll most likely cook it again — and happily!
When the children were young, I found it to be a fun personal challenge to be on the alert to “catch” them doing something right and tell them. I tried to give a smile and say things like “I’m glad you used a kind voice. Good job!” or “Thank you for obeying right away,” or just “Thank you for obeying.” It didn’t have to be a grand production. I wasn’t trying to “make them feel good about themselves”; I just wanted to reinforce a positive action or attitude so they would want to do it again . . . and again . . . and hopefully, it would eventually become a habit. (Come to think of it, why should we “catch” only our younger children doing something right? All ages like encouragement!)
And somehow that attitude of watching for something good and that action of voicing my thanks helped me too. I found myself developing more of a positive attitude toward my children. Yes, I still had to correct them, but I no longer felt like that was all I did all day long. I began to notice a thankful spirit rising up within me — and my children. They began to voice thankfulness too, and complaining seemed more out of place than ever. Along with consciously reinforcing the habit of obedience (or whatever I thanked them for), I was unconsciously also developing the habit of thankfulness within them.
Another way we put this principle of encouragement into practice was with a character chart. When the children were small and we were learning the character traits in A Child’s Book of Character Building, I made a chart of the different traits we had learned and put every family member’s name on the chart, including parents. I then explained to the children that the objective was to catch somebody else in the family exhibiting one of those good character traits. When that happened, we put a little sticker or mark beside that person’s name under that character trait. At the end of the week we counted up the marks and kept track of the total family’s effort. Then a new chart was posted for the next week. When the family reached a certain number of marks, we celebrated. One time we all got double dessert; another time we went on a family outing to an ice cream shop.
A simple idea, but a little encouragement can go a long way. I’m not advocating that you never correct or inform; I’m just reminding you to mix in a large helping of grateful encouragement whenever you can.
Thanks for caring enough about your family to be an intentional parent!
Q & A
Q: I told my two-year-old to pick up a toy in the middle of the room, and he’s been screaming for the last five or ten minutes. What do I do? He is capable of obeying; he’s done the task before.
A: The way I see it, you have basically two options:
- Determine that this is going to be “a hill that you are willing to die on.” Lovingly dig your heels in and say to yourself, “We are not moving from this room until my child obeys me; no matter how long it takes.” Sit in the room matter-of-factly, not paying attention to the tantrum, waiting for the child to obey. If the child tries to leave or do something else, you matter-of-factly, kindly but firmly, put the child back in front of the toy and say (in a kind but firm voice), “Put away the toy.” Be prepared to “do battle” consistently for at least an hour. Hopefully, it won’t take that long, but be prepared to persevere. Once the child decides to obey and puts the toy away, praise and hug him. Then move on to something else.This option works when you don’t have an important engagement to go to. If you do have a time deadline (and you must determine in your heart whether that appointment is more important than seizing this opportunity to train your child in obedience), see option 2.
- Gently, but firmly, take the child physically and “help” him do the task that you’ve told him to do. Pick him up and move him to the toy, extend his arm to reach it, bend his fingers inside your hand to grasp the toy, carry him to the shelf, and “help” him place it where it belongs. Look at him and say something like, “When Mommy tells you to put away your toy, you put away the toy.” Then move on to something else. I would not recommend the second option as the rule; rather it should be the exception when pressed for time.
Q: We struggle with our two-year-old son obeying us in public settings. For example, this morning at the post office, he began pushing the baby’s stroller. I told him to stop and to come here; he totally ignored me. I said it to him two or three times and then finally had to get his hands and pull him to me. (He came without a struggle.) What is going on and how do we correct it?
A: My best guess is that he’s acting like all two-year-olds I’ve known. At that age they test and push against the boundaries to see whether the boundaries will move or change. They become little scientists, trying their experiment over and over with only slight variables: how about when it’s raining? how about when it’s raining and thundering? how about when we go to the grocery store? how about when we go to the grocery store and my sister is fussing? how about when we go to the grocery store and my sister is fussing and my mommy is looking at her list? how about when we go to the grocery store and my sister is fussing and my mommy is looking at her watch? You get the idea.
As to how to correct it: stand firm. The sooner he sees no crack in the armor, the sooner he will settle in secure again within his boundaries. The moment he sees a teensy weensy movement or shift in his boundary, the more that variable will feed his little scientific experiment and he’ll want to test and retest that theory to double check his findings. You will need God’s creativity along with His grace and strength to persevere. Pray for His creativity. You will need to think of ways to enforce your boundaries in public without bringing suspicions and ignorant accusations against you from onlookers. You were right to physically “help” him obey. Next time, say it only once, wait a reasonable, heart-known amount of time to watch for compliance, then physically direct him to obey.
One strategy I used with my kids when they were testing the limits was positive reminders. Whenever we would go somewhere out of our house, I would briefly and positively remind them of what I expected from them at that location. For example, when we pulled into the Wal-mart parking lot, I would turn off the car, turn around in my seat, and smile and say, “Now when we go into Wal-mart I expect you to stay beside the cart and not touch anything unless we buy it. Do you understand?” They responded in the affirmative and I would say, “OK, let’s go!” All stated in the positive so it’s not a threat and not a bribe; it’s a gentle reminder that I expect them to behave properly. I usually did not add “and if you don’t . . .” because I didn’t want to even plant that seed in their heads that I was in any way expecting them not to obey.
This testing of the limits is not happening because of a lapse in your parenting to date; it is a natural process in their development. You will be observing and adjusting to “natural” tendencies all his life, even as you seek to direct him to “supernatural” tendencies instead. Take courage and be lovingly stubborn!
