“What’s Nishyativ?”
Tired from a long day, Michelle wiped her hands on the dishtowel and made her way down the hall to three-year-old Andrew’s room. She peeked her head in the door expectantly and sighed, disappointed to find Andrew sitting on the floor in the middle of a large pile of toys.
“Andrew,” Michelle began in a weary voice, “what do we do every night before you go to bed?”
“Pick up the toys,” replied Andrew cheerfully. He was getting to be a big boy, and he knew the answer.
Michelle stepped over the building blocks and the model cars, moved the stuffed frog to one side, and sank onto the bed. “Exactly,” she said. “Now, Andrew, I want you to show some initiative and start cleaning up the toys when it’s bedtime, whether I’m here to help you or not.”
Andrew sat quietly for a moment; Michelle could see that he was thinking. Finally, he looked at her with a puzzled expression.
“Mommy?”
“Yes, Andrew.”
“What’s ‘nishyativ’?”
Character is such an abstract concept. It’s hard for children, who think concretely, to comprehend all that goes into character and its various and sundry traits. It’s also hard for parents to explain character and its traits simply, yet completely, so children can understand them.
How would you have answered Andrew if you had been Michelle? You could have explained, “Initiative means cleaning up your toys when you know it’s time to, even if Mommy isn’t here.” That definition would have fit the circumstances; Andrew probably would have learned how to apply initiative in that situation. But he most likely wouldn’t have been able to generalize that character trait into a different scenario that also requires initiative — like using the bathroom on his own or making his bed in the mornings.
Every family can benefit from learning simple definitions of important character traits. As all the members of the family learn the same definitions and discuss the same traits, they find that they are all on the same page when they face opportunities to apply those traits.
For example, Scott knocked on his ten-year-old daughter’s bedroom door. When Julie called, “Come in,” he opened the door. Julie was lying on her bed, reading a book. Scott walked in and began to explain the chore he needed her to complete that day, but her eyes never moved from the page. Finally, Scott said, “Julie, I want you to pay attention to me when I’m talking to you.”
“I am paying attention, Dad,” Julie responded. And she repeated exactly what he had explained to her, all the while looking at her book.
“Well, OK,” Scott replied, hesitantly. “Uh, thanks.”
As he left the room, Scott knew something didn’t seem quite right, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. After all, Julie obviously had heard what he had said.
If Scott and Julie had both learned the same definition of “attentive,” each of them would have known what was expected in that situation. Instead of Scott’s feeling unsettled yet unable to identify exactly what was wrong, he would have been able to gently remind Julie that “attentive means listening with the ears, eyes, and heart.” And Julie would have been familiar with that expectation from the start.
All the family members’ learning simple definitions of character traits lays a solid foundation for applying those traits in everyday life. And that learning is even more powerful when you memorize Scripture verses that correspond to those traits. Remember, the Scripture passages and definitions don’t have to be long; in fact, the shorter and simpler, the better. But investing the time now will pave the way for a smoother road ahead.
Many lists of character traits are available, along with definitions and Scripture verses. I like to recommend A Child’s Book of Character Building Books 1 and 2. (The definition of “attentive” used above comes from that series.)
Q & A
Q: I caught my child playing with the remote, which he knows he’s not allowed to touch. We both knew he was going to get a spanking, but when I told him to “come here,” he threw it across the room and ran away. Now what do I do?
A: Now you’re in a tough situation. You’re going to have to deal with two issues: playing with the remote and running away when summoned. It will require two separate corrections for two separate incidents, and you’ll need to make sure your child understands both disobedient actions and their compounded consequences.
These situations can be frustrating. What could have been a focused reinforcement of your rule about the remote, turned into a confusing conglomeration of explanations.
After experiencing this type of exasperating situation a few times, I discovered a helpful tip: Don’t insert additional requirements in the midst of a correction. If at all possible, don’t create an opportunity for another conflict before you get the first one resolved. If the child disobeys, go to him and physically take him aside to correct him. You take the initiative to physically guide him through what needs to be done. Don’t make additional demands from afar that give him additional chances to disobey, thus compounding the situation; such requirements can simply add another conflict that, if disobeyed, leads to another issue with another correction that must be resolved before you can get back to the first issue and its correction. Whew!
It happens to all of us sometimes, but be aware of the potential and try not to get sucked into the “compounding conflicts syndrome.”
Q: How do I handle obedience accompanied with fussing or scowling?
A: With young children, I’ve always concentrated on requiring immediate obedient actions first, then fine-tuning their attitudes as a process along the way. Here’s my reasoning: at young ages, children don’t know what an “attitude” is. It does no good to tell them to change their attitudes. They aren’t developmentally able to step outside themselves and identify objectively what they are thinking or feeling. So I try to shape and encourage correct attitudes at this point, but I focus on enforcing obedient actions. Notice the difference between enforcing and encouraging or shaping.
Here’s a practical example. Let’s say you told your child to close the door. (And by the way, please get in the habit of kindly telling your child what you expect [“Samuel, please close the door”], rather than asking him whether he will do what you expect [not “Samuel, will you please close the door?”] A small detail that can eliminate confusion.]) As he responds to your words, make a mental note of two separate issues: his actions and his attitude.
First, his actions: Did he do what you told him to? “Close the door.” If no, he didn’t close the door, physically correct his disobedience and have him try it again until he obeys.
If yes, he closed the door, but he pitched a fit about it, thank him for closing the door, but tell him, “You may not fuss.” Put him in his crib and tell him to “do your fussing in here” or “No fussing.” Wait outside the door, out of sight, for his fussing to stop. As soon as you hear even a millisecond of silence, enter the room with an enthusiastic response and a smile: “Oh, good, you’re done fussing!” If the fussing begins again, let your face show disappointment, say sadly, “Oh, you’re not done fussing,” and go outside the door again. Make sure the fussing is completely “turned off” before you remove him from his crib and happily engage his attention elsewhere.
If yes, he closed the door, but he slammed it, enforce the correct behavior by having him do it over the correct way. You might say something like, “No, close the door gently.” Then physically guide him through the process a few times, finishing with the encouragement and smile, “Yes, close the door gently. Thank you.” Do you see how this training step would be impossible if the child were pitching a fit? You must deal with the fussing issue first, then you’ll have laid the groundwork for this step in the process.
If yes, he closed the door without slamming it, but he had a scowl on his face — fine. He obeyed; you don’t have to enforce his obedience. Now you can concentrate on encouraging and shaping his attitude. Model the happy voice and face you want him to have as you thank him enthusiastically. Then distract him to a new activity. Soon he may forget to scowl because he’s looking for your happy face.
So here’s the process in incremental steps: (1) physically enforce that he does what he’s told; (2) eliminate his fussing; (3) refine how he does what he is told; (4) refine his inner attitude. Once the child has been trained to do steps 1 and 2 by habit, you can concentrate more intensely on 3 and 4. The child will also be older at that point and better able to understand what an “attitude” is. Then as the child matures even more, you can add the final step of teaching him appropriate appeals to authority and respectful negotiation skills.
Just as God matures us and shapes us to be more and more in the image of His Son, so maturity and discipline is a process for our children. Don’t expect them to do everything exactly perfect the first time. Encourage their progress and keep moving them toward the goal of maturity.
