Discipline 102
Dave and Jan are facing a challenge: their kitchen needs some major overhauling. The lights don’t turn on when they flip the switch, the water pipes under the sink leak, and the cupboards are pulling away from the wall. The flooring has holes in it, and the stove doesn’t work. Yes, Jan and Dave have a big job ahead of them. They’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to do the job with their trusty toolbox by their side.
Just one problem: the only tool in their toolbox is a hammer.
Dave and Jan are going to experience a lot of frustration and limited success because they have only one tool in their toolbox. Many parents have only one tool in their discipline toolbox. They too are going to experience a lot of frustration and limited success in the challenge they face: building character and self-discipline in their children.
The problem is that too many parents view discipline as equal to correction. They think that correction is the only tool in their discipline toolbox. They make statements like, “I caught my son hitting his sister and had to discipline him.” But discipline includes much more than just correcting. Think of your discipline toolbox as containing three effective tools: teaching, training, and correcting.
“Discipline” comes from the root word “disciple,” which means “follower.” The goal of discipline is to make your child a follower — of God, of you his parents, of what is right. Discipline is the action of making a disciple. Jesus did not make disciples by only correcting them. He taught them and trained them as well. Intentional parents would do well to use all three tools with their children.
The first tool is teaching. Teaching is telling the child what you expect from her. Teaching can be done directly and indirectly. “Use only your hands on the piano keys,” is one example of direct teaching. The directive is stated simply and positively. Notice that the parent didn’t say, “Don’t hit the piano keys with a wooden block!” Those kinds of statements can get you into trouble because, chances are, your child will think of more possibilities than you ever could. What about hitting the keys with a pencil? With a drumstick? With a sister’s head? Get in the habit of stating what you will accept rather than trying to list all the actions that are forbidden. Of course, memorizing and discussing Bible verses is another form of direct teaching.
You can also teach indirectly through stories and personal example. People’s minds are naturally drawn to stories and conversations. Good stories that teach good behavior can be quite useful. Make sure that the books, software, and TV shows that enter your child’s mind reflect the good behavior you’re trying to teach. And make sure you are demonstrating the good behavior yourself. Your example is crucial to the formation of good habits in your children.
The second tool is training. Training is setting up a controlled situation in which the child can practice meeting your expectations. You want obedience to become a habit. In the initial stages of training, make it as easy as possible for the child to obey. Remove as many obstacles to obedience that you can. In other words, don’t lead your child into temptation. As the training progresses, try to regulate the number of potential obstacles so the child is not overwhelmed. Each victory will increase your child’s habit of obedience and strengthen her ability to resist temptation or distraction.
Train a child to say “Thank you” by handing him what he requested but not letting go of it until he says, “Thank you.” Soon a thankful response will become his habit. Train a child to clean her room by doing it together, then doing most of it together but leaving a small part for her to do alone before you inspect it, then leaving a bigger part for her to do before inspection, and finally, expecting her to complete the task alone. Be sure to inspect the results and give feedback. In the initial stages of training, you will get what you inspect.
Another example of training is “do overs.” If a child slams a door, have him come back and close it correctly. If a child demands more food instead of asking politely, have her do it over, asking politely this time.
Training involves short, incremental steps. Some children will take longer at certain stages of the training process. That’s OK. Don’t expect overnight perfection, but do expect constant progress toward the goal as you lead the way and smooth the path.
The third tool is correcting. Correcting is pointing out to the child how he didn’t meet your expectations, and lovingly and faithfully administering consequences to motivate the child to obey the next time. Notice the key words “lovingly” and “faithfully.” Consequences administered without love can easily turn into abuse. Consequences administered sporadically will never develop the habit of obedience in your children. Remember the two foundational truths from Discipline 101: (1) Who’s going to change and shape your child if you don’t? and (2) Don’t expect your child to be more disciplined than you are.
Certainly, correction has an important place in discipline. But it’s not the only tool you have. Correction is a reaction, or a response, based on what the child has already done. Use teaching and training to guide what the child does ahead of time. Form positive habits in her and your times of correction will diminish. Teaching and training will require more intentional forethought on your part, but the rewards will be well worth it.
Teaching, training, and correcting. Make sure your discipline toolbox contains all three tools.
Q & A
Q: I’ve never heard of training my child; can you give me an example of how it works?
A: Sure. Let’s say you want your toddler to be able to play quietly when you go to someone’s house. Start with teaching. Lay a blanket on the floor and put some quiet toys on it. Place the child on the blanket and teach her what you expect by saying, “Stay on the blanket.” Keep your instructions short, specific, and positive. You would not, for example, say, “Don’t you get off this blanket or Mommy will have to spank you!” State your command in words that convey that you have every expectation that the child will obey you.
Now train her to stay on the blanket by sitting with her for a few minutes and playing with the toys. You might repeat that process for a few minutes each day or for a couple of times a day for two or three days. In the beginning stages of training, you want to make it as easy as possible for the child to obey. On the fourth day, intensify the training a little by removing yourself from the blanket briefly to go fetch or do something in the same room. Remind the child of your teaching before you go by saying in a pleasant voice, “Mommy needs to get something. Stay on the blanket, please,” or just, “Stay on the blanket.” You should be gone for only a minute and remain in sight. If the child stays on the blanket, convey your pleasure at her obedience when you return. Tell her, “Good job staying on the blanket! I’m glad you obeyed Mommy!”
(May I insert a side note here? Please make sure that you’re not training your child to look in your eyes only when he’s done something wrong. Many parents use the phrase “Look at me” only when they are going to correct a misbehavior. Encourage your child to look you in the eyes to receive praise. You want to train him to meet your gaze eagerly, not reluctantly. Enough said.)
If she crawls off the blanket, you will see her immediately because you are still within sight. This is the point where correction comes into play. Drop what you were doing and walk quickly toward her with a sad face, stating calmly and firmly, “No. Mommy said, ‘Stay on the blanket.’” Pick her up, administer a sorrowful spank on the back of her thigh, and put her back on the blanket. Continue the teaching and training by telling her, “Stay on the blanket,” walking a shorter distance away, and coming back sooner. You want to catch her doing it right. As she progresses successfully in her training, you should incrementally increase the time and distance that you are away from the blanket.
Once she is used to playing in a confined place without your attention, you can gradually transition from the blanket on the floor to a loveseat or a large chair then to a smaller chair (assuming the child is old enough to be up off the floor safely). You might even drape the blanket over the loveseat or chair for the first few transitions since she is used to staying within that boundary. When you go to someone’s house to visit, simply take along the blanket and some quiet toys, or take just the quiet toys if she has progressed to sitting in a chair and playing quietly.
Q: How can I use all three parts of discipline with my older children?
A: In general terms, you would (1) teach by telling them what you expect and what God’s Word says about the subject; (2) train by setting up incremental steps that will move them eventually to the goal; and (3) correct by taking away privileges.
Here’s a specific situation for an example: you want your older children to quit yelling at each other and arguing all the time.
(1) Teach
Choose a neutral time to tell them your observations and that God has laid it on your heart to help them break this bad habit. Briefly tell them what you expect in positive terms, using a kind voice. Your expectations could be as simple as, “I expect you to use kind words and kind voices.”
Every morning at breakfast read together verses from God’s Word about the power of the tongue and what kind of speech pleases and displeases God. Proverbs for Parenting would be a great resource for this study. You could also go over how to resolve conflict Biblically, using material from Peacemakers Ministries.
(2) Train
You might take steps like setting up an encouragement time at supper each night. During supper, each child must say something kind about and/or to a sibling. You might increase the requirements to three kind statements over time. Next, you might set up a temporary rule that the children must remain within your earshot during the day so you can help them form this new habit of using kind words. Listen for potential conflict situations and promptly step in to guide the children positively. Give possible suggestions if the child doesn’t know how to state his concern in a kind way. Verbally encourage any effort the children put forth to break their bad habit and start forming the new one. You might even set up a corporate goal and reward for all to work toward, such as a trip to a favorite ice cream shop once the whole family has gone for one week with no unkind words. As each child progresses in developing this new habit, allow him or her increasing time outside of your earshot.
(3) Correct
Whenever an unkind word or tone of voice is used, have that child “do it over” the correct way. If she refuses to cooperate or needs more incentive to remember to speak kindly, take away a privilege that has to do with speaking, such as talking on the telephone or even talking in general. Another built-in correction will be the penalty of having to stay within your earshot longer than those who develop the new habit readily.
