Intentional Parents

Rebekah had reached that whiny stage. She whined if she didn’t want to eat what I had fixed for lunch. She whined when I told her to pick up her toys. She whined if she didn’t get to go to the park.

It wasn’t that she refused to do what I told her. She would eat what I fixed, and she would pick up her toys when I said so. I knew enough to require obedience. But I didn’t know what to do about the whining. It was really grating on my nerves.

Then — I can remember it clearly — I had my first “ah-ha!” moment about discipline. You know, those moments when into your brain pops a thought that is so clear and so relevant you wonder why it had never occurred to you before. It seems so simple, and yet so profound. You stand stock still and think, “Ah-ha! That’s it!”

Ah-ha Idea #1: “Who’s going to change it if you don’t? If you don’t like her whining, you’re the one who will have to do something about it.”

Seems simple, doesn’t it? Yet many parents complain and fret and, yes, whine about their child’s behavior as if they can do nothing about it. Well, parents, if you don’t do something to change your child’s behavior, who are you expecting to change it? No one else has that assignment from God; you do. Children will not just “grow out of” disobedience, selfishness, manipulation, and pride. God has entrusted them to us so we can train them up in His ways and His Word.

Yes, it will take some creativity and hard work, but you can do it. In fact, you must do it. If you don’t, who will?

My second ah-ha! moment about discipline occurred with my second child, Ruth. It was one of those days when I had little to no energy left. I felt like all I did was pick up toys, clean up messes, change diapers, and settle conflicts. I was sick and tired of getting up out of my comfortable chair to enforce my instructions to my little one. I wished she would just do what I told her to do so I could sit for longer than two minutes.

Once more I gave the firm but gentle command, “Leave the books on the shelf.” I saw that little hand reach out, and I knew she was going to pull every last book off if I let her. And, at that point, I was ready to let her “just this time.” I argued with myself that I was too tired to do what I knew I should do. I wanted to do what I wanted to do this time! That’s when ah-ha! number two struck.

Ah-ha Idea #2: “Don’t expect your child to be more disciplined than you are. If you cannot make yourself respond properly each time she requires help from you, don’t expect her to respond properly each time you require something from her.”

It requires self-discipline to consistently shape our children’s characters. We call that shaping “discipline” for a good reason. Our ultimate goal is that our children will embrace the discipline we impose from outside until it becomes a part of them on the inside. In other words, we want them to become self-disciplined. We want them to be strong enough to do what they know is right even when they don’t feel like doing it.

Sound familiar? At that moment in my parenting, I was struggling with self-discipline. I didn’t want to do what I knew was right because I didn’t feel like doing it. I was modeling the exact character flaw that I was trying to train out of my daughter.

It takes self-discipline to teach self-discipline. Your child will learn the most about discipline by watching how disciplined you are. Don’t expect more from your child than you’re ready to put forth yourself. It’s not just a matter of your enforcing a set of standards; it’s a matter of your modeling by example the character you’re trying to teach.

So there you have them: the two “ah-ha!” moments that continue to prod me to keep on keeping on consistently shaping our children’s characters through discipline. Simple? Yes. But they have made all the difference.

Q & A

Q: How do I deal with a strong-willed child?

A: Probably the most important thing you can do is to change your thinking: your child is not strong willed, he’s weak willed. No, it’s not just a matter of wording. This concept can change your whole perspective.

Think about a person on a diet. That person is not supposed to eat certain foods. Say you and that person go to a restaurant for a meal. As you’re sitting across from each other in the booth, she grabs some chips and starts munching on them. You know those are a forbidden food on her diet. Would you say that person is strong willed or weak willed? She is weak willed. In fact, she might even mention the need for more will “power.” She is weak willed because she gave in to what she wanted to do instead of being strong enough to do what she was supposed to do.

So why do we call a child who does what he wants to do “strong willed”? He is actually weak willed. He doesn’t have the strength of character to do what he should. Instead he gives in and takes the easiest route: doing what he wants.

Now do you understand why this concept can change your whole perspective? Thinking of your child as weak willed helps you mentally to view him as someone who needs your help instead of someone who is in a battle against you. It is your responsibility — and your desire because you love him — to help him and train him in order to strengthen his will so he will be able to do what he should instead of doing only what he wants.

This new way of thinking de-fuses the “power struggle” bomb. There is no power struggle. You are the parent; you are in charge. God says so. Period.

So, how to deal with a “strong-willed” child? Start with changing your thinking and applying the two ah-ha! ideas described above.

(Note: Actually, this “new” way of thinking is the old way of thinking. Charlotte Mason explained this difference between strong willed and weak willed in her writings in the late 1800s and early 1900s. You can find a good synopsis of The Way of the Will in Karen Andreola’s book, A Charlotte Mason Companion, available through our Web site.)

Q: How should I discipline my special needs child?

A: Oh, how I wish that question had a simple answer. I thought I had this discipline thing pretty much figured out — until God gave us Hannah. Hannah is autistic, and many of the techniques that worked so well with the other children suddenly didn’t work at all. Many autistic children have sensory issues. Hannah has a very high threshold of pain and a very low awareness of other people’s feelings. Suddenly, spanking didn’t have the same effect it had previously. Mommy’s disapproving face wasn’t even noticed by this child. I found myself second guessing every discipline issue because I wasn’t sure whether she understood my directives. The last thing I wanted to do was punish her for something she couldn’t comprehend versus something she simply refused to do. But how could I know the difference?

So, once again, Hannah’s special need nudges me closer to the Savior. I beg Him to show me how much she comprehends and where her heart is. I depend on Him for wisdom to know what circumstances might “provoke [my child] to wrath” and for creativity to find effective ways to “bring [her] up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

Through it all, one statement rings in my head. A mom on a Christian e-mail loop I subscribe to said this one day: “God did not give your child a special need as an excuse to sin.” That statement helps me know what to focus on and what to accommodate. For instance, recently we had our family picture taken at our church. To Hannah’s way of thinking, whenever she goes to the church building she sits in one of the blue chairs. When we told her to come look at the camera and the little stools by the backdrop, she started to cry. Now, technically, she was disobeying my command, but in her heart she was simply scared of the change in routine — a symptom of her disability. She was not rebellious, but afraid. I treated the situation with accommodation, trying to help her take small steps toward accepting that change in routine. This was not a discipline issue because she was not deliberately sinning.

However, a couple of days ago I asked her if she had brushed her teeth, and she said yes. I then discovered that she had lied to me. My heart’s first reaction was to wonder whether she could understand what a lie is, but immediately the Lord reassured my heart that even if she didn’t understand the concept yet, it was something she needed to learn. Lying is sin, and I couldn’t let her special need excuse it. (The Lord also reminded me of the two ah-ha! ideas listed above. So, of course, I had to deal with it!)

“God did not give your child a special need as an excuse to sin.” That statement helps to sort the wheat from the chaff. Yes, special needs may require special grace. But remember not to grant your child a license to sin. As much as possible, train your child to please God.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 1st, 2004 at 4:44 pm and is filed under Character, The Five Gifts of Intentional Parents. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.